I just talked to H on the phone and he's still coming home tonight, but he's obviously really angry about the whole situation. I felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me. I'm being as patient as I can and just listening - part of my 180 - but this is really hard. Even though he's making the choice to come home (and I have honestly not pressured him), he still feels torn and is taking his anger out on me. I need a crash course in how to deal with this. Or maybe I should tell him he should wait to come home? I didn't expect him to run to me with open arms, but I didn't expect hostility.
I also looked at his MySpace again because he told me he was updating it. All the good stuff about me is gone off the site (there was a lot there about how much he loved me and I was one of his heroes..that kind of thing). He's got a whole entry about how money destroys lives and he doesn't want rich man's worries, just poor man's problems. This is the exact same speech he gave me when he told me he was leaving me for OW. I'm more sure than ever that he's coming home out of a sense of duty, and that he's not really committed to this. Frankly, I just want to cut and run at this point because I'm so scared that I'm going to let him back in my life only to have him run right back out again. It seems like he's just as ambivalent as he was a week ago, even though he's been telling me all week how committed he is.
I guess I have to just wait and see what he does, not what he says?
Sorry you find yourself here. I just read your sitch but I was wondering: Do you have any children ? What are your and H ages ( and kids if any). Also, assuming you are an atty.. I think that it does make a big difference on how "we" think or process this stuff even though it is personal to us.
Hi LG - Your thread caught my eye as I am also an attorney (commercial litigation). I am afraid that I am pretty new to DBing, too, so I don't have any fabulous advice. It does sound like your H is very confused and probably depressed. It is good that he wants to do counseling -- some individual counseling might be helpful for him, too. I also think that you need to remind yourself that there is no need to make any big decision now (re cut-and-run v. commit to the M) -- just see how things go for a while instead of worrying right now about "what if" scenarios. I know it's hard to keep your mind from racing, though. Hang in there!
As much as you want a quick solution, take the time as needed. Unless you truly make the changes, it wont be permanent. Don't questioning his reasoning now, just work with what you've got.
The thing that I think makes it a little more difficult for attys in this sitch is that we do want a quick fix. Why not ? That is what we do for a living. We solve or attempt to solve the problems (whether they be emotional, financial, ethical, moral etc...) of others.
So why not our own the same way ? Unfortunately it does not work like that as we have no magic wand to waive for ourselves.
This also makes it harder for us to detach from the S. We tend to immediately confront things head on with often poor initial results. Hang in there LG !
Yeah, Tom, I'm finding that my need to fix everything all at once is going to be my downfall and I need to knock.it.off.
Hubby came home on Friday and we had a fabulous weekend - so fabulous that I played hooky on Monday and we stayed home together. Yeah, the honeymoon period is wonderful. Tuesday night we had a bit of a disconnect. We went to see my IC Tuesday afternoon so that she could get a bigger idea of what's going on in our marriage and so we could get a recommendation on a MC. It was a really good session - H did most of the talking. At one point, IC asked him if he would be contacting OW and he said he would not. She asked if he had removed her number from his phone and he said no, but took it out and did it then. We went out to dinner after the appointment and had a really nice night. When we got home, he told me he needed to let her know he wouldn't be contacting her anymore - he composed an email to her, asked me to look it over, and sent it off. Awesome. Except afterwards, he felt terrible. He started getting pretty depressed and began lashing out at me. I stayed calm, but I was just dying inside when he told me he wasn't sure he really did love me or wanted to be with me, and that he may have been just telling my IC what she wanted to hear WRT our marriage. Ouch. Just before bed, he apologized and told me not to pay attention to him, he didn't meant what he had said but was just feeling guilty about having to hurt OW, and yesterday morning he was fine.
Unfortunately yesterday evening was my turn to have a meltdown. Thinking about the women H has been with and the reasons why he was unhappy with our SL just kind of got to me. I didn't want to start a fight so I didn't say anything to H, just tried to act normally and work around the house. He noticed I was quiet and kept pushing at me, so finally I gave in and told him what was bothering me. I guess I was expecting a sympathetic response - reassurances - but I didn't get them at all. I was unable to keep from crying, so I just had to walk away for awhile. Once we had both calmed down, we held each other and he gave me those reassurances that I needed, but I hated that I had ruined our evening.
So this morning I told H that I wasn't sure if we should talk about these issues outside of MC, at least until we've learned a better communication style. He agreed. I'm just so focused on fixing everything now now now that I'm not being patient and just allowing us to reconnect. H confessed to me this morning that he felt like we were back where we started before he left in the first place and I just smacked myself on the head. What is the freakin' rush anyway? I think part of it is I know OW is still in the background. I want things to be better between H and me so I don't feel so threatened about her being there. I know she's not the real issue, but I feel like she's a distraction. One we don't need right now.
H called and set up our first MC appointment tomorrow. I'm worried that deep down, this is just H's way of getting away with less guilt - he confessed to me a couple of years ago that the first time we went to counseling, about a year before we got married, he did so because he wanted to break up with me in a supportive atmosphere. I can't shake the feeling that that's what he's got in mind for these "MC" sessions as well. I guess my trust is way more broken than I thought.
Quote: what was bothering me. I guess I was expecting a sympathetic response - reassurances - but I didn't get them at all. I was unable to keep from crying, so I just had to walk away for awhile. Once we had both calmed down, we held each other and he gave me those reassurances that I needed,
oh boy! that was me last weekend, about the SAME subject, and the same thing happened. I actually pushed H to tell me that I was better than the other or at least that he was happy in that are w/me (at the same time asking VERY specific questions ) And i also got nothing, not then not later, well, not much.
So you are lucky that he later did reasure you, I know it is so painful to think of our H's w/others, but it is something we must TRAIN our brains to do, to push it to the back of our thoughts, to label it "old news" and MAKE ourselves focus on something positive, I keep telling people to fill their minds w/positive reads. Get "healing the hurt in your M", excellent when you dont' think you can get past that.
I also think that by over reacting the way I did pushes us back, and even though my H didnt' say it I know each time I have a tantrum we regress. But one time he did agree that this piecing business is "one step forward, two steps back".
Quote: that I'm not being patient and just allowing us to reconnect.
Yup, that's also what my H said, tells me to relax and that we have time.
And it's a good thing- he's been supportive, remember-that he made the appt. Funny you mentioned why you guys went at the beginning, that's why we had our first one too when he left, the MC saw right through him.
He's left her and he's w/you, fear will destroy your peace, then you'll project your uneasyness onto him and how is he supposed to open up to you nor feel safe? OK, so I also have to follow my advice, but recognice that fear is not going 2 help.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
) And i also got nothing, not then not later, well, not much.