So much happening so fast...

[toughlover]

I just am feeling so apprehensive about the whole thing.

Been there...AM there! It ain't fun, I know.

I love H with all my heart, but I have panic attacks when I think about what the coming months will bring.

It gets better. Trust me. Not perfect, but better.

Is he coming back to go through the motions so that he can say he tried, but still leave anyway?

That's always a possibility. But even if he THINKS that's why he's coming back, neither he nor you can predict how things will change. My W wasn't real gung-ho when she came back, but she thought I'd always be who I had been, which wasn't very good on my part. However, when she experienced my changes and saw they were the real deal (over time), she had a different attitude about it, one she didn't expect she'd have. Once they start experiencing that, it helps them realize the future is not the past written in stone!

See, they believe they know you, know how they'll always feel about you, etc. There's no way to know that. So even if he comes back telling himself that, many things can change based on how you act. I've seen this happen firsthand. No guarantees, but having your S in your home and committed to doing their best is a great position to be in, with many good opportunities for success. Again, that doesn't guarantee anything, but gives you a great place to work from/in. Y'all have a lot ahead of you.

How long will he keep OW in the background, waiting for him to leave me?

Well, if he's 100% committed, he'll send her an email you approve of telling her he's committing to his marriage, telling her it's over, and asking her not to contact him anymore. However, even if he's not 100% committed now, that doesn't mean he won't get there at some point. Don't worry about OW right now. Your H needs to experience how good it can be with you, and that won't happen if you're freaking out over her. Trust me, again, I've been there.

Can people really fall out of love with one person and back in love with someone else just by trying? (While I can see that H is addicted to those first fleeting feeling of new love, he truly believes himself in love with her. He wants to try to "learn" to fall in love with me again - he doesn't even entertain the idea that he's still in love with me but the newness has worn off. Is this situation impossible??)

"In love" is a fairly empty phrase intended to cover whatever an individual's feelings are at any given moment in time. However, cheaters place a higher value on their own personal feelings than they do on their character and their commitments. However, the fact that your H has communicated a willingness to live up to his commitments indicates his character is important, and he recognizes the deficiencies. This could be an important process for him to not only find some feelings for you again, but also to grow to the point where he recognizes that there needs to be a balance, that commitment and character are as much a part of love as feelings are. People who are driven by feelings alone are never truly happy. However, they are important, but the mistake is thinking they only arise under one set of circumstances, only have one chance to flame up and last.

You might check out what Harley says about the "in love" feelings stuff on marriagebuilders.com as well. A good behavioral approach.

How damaging is he going to be in the coming months?

He's not really a factor. OW is not really a factor. It's your H's choice, and if he's weak enough to be swayed by them, then, I'm sorry, but you're probably better off without him if he chooses to leave. We are always faced with temptation in life...he's faced it and you already know he's given in. Despite that, despite having someplace to go now, he's choosing you. Work with that.

I had to come to the same conclusions about my W in our sitch. I give her my best but if she still chooses the other way then at least I can say I truly did my best, gave her my best, and it helped me get in some really good practice for someone new if my W leaves me for good.

You've got your work cut out for you. This stuff ain't easy, but it CAN work. It doesn't end up happening like you think it should, it would, or as fast as you'd like.

Good luck, and use this board for support!