My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I began a new job about a year ago and our marriage became a lesser priority for both of us - we were busy settling into a new city, a new house, and new routines. I sometimes feel like I was more at fault because it was my career, my move. But I don't know if that's the point at this stage of the game.
My husband asked me for a divorce two weeks ago. He had met someone new - someone he had only known a short time (less than a month) - and he believed himself in love. He wanted to move in with her and her two children and "finally be happy." I was absolutely devastated. I knew things had not been great between us, but I truly didn't realize how far gone he was. Of course, I asked him to stay and we could work things out, but he just said no.
He left last Monday to spend the night at her place (she lives 1-1/2 hours away), but returned the next evening and then spent two days with me as we began to close accounts and untangle our lives. We talked the whole time. It felt like the first open and honest conversation we had had in months, if not years. We understood each other better, but he made it clear that our discussion wouldn't change the outcome. He left Thursday morning to be with her, with the promise that he would return to get his things. Again, I was devastated.
I worked by myself on packing his things, getting my finances in order for the separation, and tried not to contact him because I knew from reading the stories on this site that giving him space was what I really needed to do. After 2 days of no contact, he called Saturday morning and told me he wanted to reconcile. However, he wanted to spend the week with his girlfriend first...even introducing her to some of his friends. I resisted, mortified at the idea that he would introduce her around and then come back to me. I really felt like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. We ended the day Saturday no closer to reconciliation and probably even further apart emotionally.
I told myself I was stupid for letting him get to me and again did not contact him. We talked on Tuesday regarding some separation issues - information needed for the separation agreement, when he was coming to get his things, what would happen with the mortgage. He was angry that I was moving forward. He couldn't believe I would "want" to end our marriage. Even though I told myself not to, I felt a little bit of hope. I wanted him to leave so that I could get on and grieve, but my heart wasn't letting me let go of him. (Not surprising, since this was all happening in such a short period of time. I didn't know which way was up at that point.)
Last night he told me he wants to return to stay. He's packing his things and will be home tomorrow. He says he wants to give our marriage every shot that it has, that he realizes that in terms of working on our marriage, we've been talking the talk but not walking the walk for months. I have no idea what his return will bring...all that we've discussed is that we both need individual counseling (I've actually already started) and that we need to find a good marriage counselor that we can see together. I don't even know if this marriage can be saved...but I'm willing to try.
I've been directed to this site through another message board. It seemed to be a good place to start. I was looking at getting a copy of DB, but I wondered if it was directed more toward people trying to get their spouses to return home? I need concrete advice on how to resolve our marriage issues now that he's back and willing to work. Book recommendations, advice on how to find a good marriage counselor (one that can help us move FORWARD not focus solely on the past), or just general comments are welcome.
Is this marriage salvageable? I want that crystal ball. As I said in the other thread, I'm a little nervous at how quickly he came home - wondering if since he did not take the time to learn that the grass is not greener on the other side, he will run back to OW at the first sign of trouble. It is hard to trust him but I am trying.
