New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

I'm wondering if guilt and depression may be fueling your wife's lack of desire.

I think that's probably a factor.

Prior to the A was there a problem with desire for you?

Well, there wasn't when we first got married. Then there was when the kids were born, of course. Then later there wasn't. Then, when things started getting bad (as I described a few posts up), then, yes, I was so hard to get along with that she just built a wall.

If I'm remembering correctly, you've described her as enjoying more "sedate sex" that's more conservative and traditional.

Yes, but she's not prudish...just not interested in toys and trapezes

And yet, this is a woman who did go out and have a PA....

Yes but according to my W, she fell for the OM because he was nice and kind to her at a time when I was mean, critical, and belittling. She was extremely vulnerable and felt lousy about herself and her life. And we had money trouble, so the OM came along and played her like a violin.

I could be wrong but if it had anything to do with sex it seems to me it would be from her wanting to ML with someone who was kind and loving toward her. I wasn't. Plus, this guy was her parents' age, and I'm not so convinced she doesn't get something out of that that me, being just a few years older, obviously can't do anything about.

If that's the case, you might as well stick a fork in us, we're done.

Hummmm.... I could be wrong. But could it be that there is a part of her that really desires excitement and nautiness, but just has such guilt with it, or associates marriage with the need to be a "good girl" in the bedroom with the H?

I don't think so, not like that. We've gone through that phase, and it really didn't do much for her. In fact, she didn't care for it. She's much more into more romantic stuff. She does like for sex to be, er, vigorous, and she doesn't like indecisive men who lack confidence or power. Basically, in all aspects, she likes someone who's confident, in control, and decisive, who knows her well enough to know what she likes and give it to her, but who is always willing to defer to her if she has a strong preference. Otherwise, she wants to be led (in everything) by someone she trusts.

I do think it's possible she's just too much of a risk-taker at heart and can only get excited, really, when she's pushing the envelope. In her, though, I see it as immaturity even at her age (early 30s).

Hey I can buy sex toys, talk dirty, or spank her all she wants. She's not into that. We've been there before.

If she needs to go out and take risks to get off then I'm just going to send her on to the OM and let her screw the rest of her life up if that's what she wants.

As time goes on I'm not so sure she doesn't just have a thing for much older men. In which case, I may just have to develop a thing for much younger women.