I think you need to look at it as a challenge and figure out how to become amazing in the sack. Start reading some books about women and sex (maybe even get some toys!!! ).
Root, question for ya. My H has also expressed a lack of attraction/desire for me. I have starting reading and learning different things about men/women and sex but how do I implement these new things if H has no desire to be with me?
take the initiative, heaven knows that if I had left the birth of our SL to my H I'd be in the SSM board a while ago.
He'd just lay there at the beginning, and even now, he doesn't reach out to hug me and stuff, he does initiate but isn't pawing me and suggesting stuff the way he used to.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
1) The results of the D talk are not at all confusing -- you finally gave W enough space to start considering what she really wants. It is better if you cann continue to do this without continuing to threaten D, though. Perhaps you can offer to put the question of a D on hold for awhile, but still give yourselves both space to figure out what you want.
2) Your surety about your sexual prowess is probably not well-grounded. Talk to GH about this. Indeed, I remember GH telling me how their SL was the one part of his old M that really did work. Trust me, if your W were happy in the sack with you, well, then, she'd be happy to be in the sack with you. I have posted and posted about male denial on this issue and don't have the energy to do it again, but if you look over GH's old threads, you will probably see most of what I have to say.
Quote: Root, question for ya. My H has also expressed a lack of attraction/desire for me. I have starting reading and learning different things about men/women and sex but how do I implement these new things if H has no desire to be with me?
So.... if you happened to walk past your husband in the bedroom or through the house (while no kids are around!) dressed in some kinky sexy thing from Victoria's Secret (or Fredrick's of Hollywood!!! Yeeeah!) and had on high heeled stilletos your husband would have no desire????
I don't think you need to look like a Playboy Bunny to pull this off... but if you flashed him your chest, or wore something with a plunging neckline and showed lots of cleavage (think lacy red push up bra and red thong underware) would he still be disinterested?
Think feminine, think sexy, think Marilyn Monroe...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: Your surety about your sexual prowess is probably not well-grounded
I promise you this is not the case. I realize how it sounds. I have talked with my W about this so much that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. From her lips, she says the sex is good, I do what she wants, she has orgasms (most of the time). We ML 4 times/week, and she's usually the one who usually points out "it's time".
Her issue is a lack of attraction, not a lack of willingness. She doesn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore (though she used to). I promise you, I'm not building myself up in my own mind. I don't mean to imply that I'm a super stud...just that with her own lips my wife tells me everything's good in that area...she just doesn't feel like having sex right now, though she does it anyway.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Ok, I called the W and just asked her point blank about the possibility of me being in "male denial" and she gave me an emphatic, "no." I mean, I offered to read whatever she wanted, watch whatever she wanted, go to a sex therapist, anything if I were doing something wrong.
Her verbatim response was, "Everything you do is good, I just never feel horny or attracted to you right now."
So, that's either just how it is and there doesn't seem to really be anything we can do about it, or she's lying. I don't think she's lying.
When we ML, it's usually initiated by her saying something like, "Ok, let's go be happy" or something like that. But she doesn't come on to me, doesn't kiss me or respond to my kissing her (I mean, she kisses me back, but she's clearly not into it the way she'd be if she wanted it).
We ML regularly, and started off scheduling it, but have sort of graduated (?) up to doing it on those nights/times when we're just having a good time together, hoping that will be more natural.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: Her verbatim response was, "Everything you do is good, I just never feel horny or attracted to you right now."
Wow, TL, I know how much this hurts. My H has pretty much said the same thing. Now, how do we turn this sitch around? I personally don't know. If someone is just not into you, then they're just not into you. I sure hope to get some good advice from your thread.
To be honest, I think my W lived such a huge lie for so long that she's often on another planet, mentally. Not that she's nuts...but I think her perspective is much different now, much healthier, but at the same time, seeing and feeling the full impact of what she did and who she did it with, and seeing the OM more clearly now that some things have come out about him and I've done a fairly decent job of showing her how good things can be...well, I think it's a lot for her to swallow.
She has talked with me about how good she feels now for living right, so that's good. And, well, she contracted genital herpes from the OM and it's been pretty unrelenting for months now, which has a lot to do with how she's feeling about things.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
