I don't know if you saw my post of last week, but W and I had a big break in our piecing the week before. One hold out for her was a fear of not getting our SL back or that she could not, would not, or might not like it. We were able to dispell that (FORTUNATELY) and had I not been sidetracked with the surgery of two weeks ago, Lord knows where it might have gone....
So patience I think.
It was killing me too. Leading up to, and through our separation - I was hearing a lot about how our SL sucked - never worked, blah, blah. It simply wasn't true and W finally admitted that to me and our mutual friend that it wasn't ALL bad - but more that it wasn't frequent enough. I don't know about your W, but mine shut down of sorts - very early in our R because of something I said during a ML session - and she punished me ever since. Much of that incident came from almost a sense of shame on MY part of all things.
I've come to realize that there is no reason for me to be ashamed of my desires for my W and to try and translate those things into actions that make it clear to her. The hope (and often it works) is that it will ignite attraction in her leading a stronger bond between us. But, it IS maddening - and slow (which in the end is probably better) - I too have been given a cheek when I want lips or a little linger - for me it ebbs and flows...but through DB/DR, I've learned to WANT this and not NEED it if that makes any sense. One thing that clearly was broken in our R is how little attention I gave my W. She was last in the pecking order. So, if for now, I need to give a little more, so be it.
Quote: It doesn't really bother me anymore so much. Aside from what's important to me as an individual and as a Christian, I could take this marriage or leave it right now
Two good points here. First, moving from need to wants - a position of strength and because of your individual traits, also integrity and honor.
Second however, is I'm not sure I agree with if it bothers you any more. A couple great books - if you want to put that analytical brain to work I would suggest is For Men Only and For Women Only - both by Feldhahn (FMO by Jeff and FWO by Shaunti). Its a spin off of Mars/Venus but supported by surveys etc.
What I found hit the nail on the head was that men need for feel they are significant to their significant other, particularly in the bedroom. I certainly know this was true for me. I was crushed at the notion that I wasn't "satisfying" her which spiraled downward and really hurt my self esteem - pushing me futher away.
On the flip side, women need to feel connected, according to FMO. Speaking first hand, I can tell you when the big "break" happened a couple weeks back - I could FEEL that connection - and it was backed up with what she was saying to me during our ML.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this, but only to get you thinking. And to share some comradery.
What I would suggest is to keep looking for the things that work - and then push them a little bit - but don't be totally bummed out if it backfires from time to time - that is part of the healing - and your W might just be distracted at the moment or whatever.
FMO and FWO I thought were great resources as well - suggested reading - and a quick read. Start with For Men Only - I read in about two nights.
Hope that helps somehow.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
