New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[Mamabear]

TL,
You haven't been around in a while, sure hope all is well.

[toughlover]

You haven't been around in a while, sure hope all is well.

Hey mama. Things have been fine...just a little hectic. Holiday traveling, kids out of school, all that stuff.

Best way I can sum things up right now is that it's going pretty good as long as I let it.

I noticed we tend to go through a cycle of three good days together, then I start getting concerned about all the usual stuff, and the memories/pain comes flooding in, and we have a rocky conversation, recover, three pretty good days, and so it goes.

Except I think we're finally breaking the cycle.

We had a conversation last Tuesday that was rockier than usual. She told me that 99% of the time I was great, but that 1% was killing it for her, that she couldn't just understand why I couldn't accept that things were fine. That it was the "same old me" who couldn't let go of something and had to clamp on and not let go, and she was tired of it.

We had just got back from working out...she was in the shower, and I was waiting for her to finish, while we're having this heated discussion. Her telling me "it was the same old me" just made me see red, but instead of yelling, I realized I'd had enough of this, and all along I kind of figured she was just sort of holding me on the edge, keeping things fair and moving along without really trying to connect or anything, so that I would file for divorce and be the bad guy. That's what I thought, anyway.

So when it was my turn for the shower I just calmly told her she was right, she and I obviously didn't seem to get it, and this would probably never work the way either of us want it to. And I took my shower.

I used every drop of hot water there was. Stayed in as long as I could. Best shower of my life. I just figured I was the kind of person who couldn't get over this crap and she was the kind of person who in the end was too self-centered to understand, so I decided to punt.

So when I go back to the bedroom to get dressed, I tell her that I'll go ahead and file, that I'll cut her loose, that I won't even use her adultery and subsequent STD as a reason, that she can go be with her a-hole OM or whoever she wanted. That we could sort out the details quietly over the holidays, and then get this done as quickly as possible come January...basically, I'd be as generous as possible, give her full custody, everything. I said I wanted to be as nice as possible over all this and maybe the real reason things worked out so good between us but then we hit a wall is because we can now at least divorce on civil terms and I'm not boiling with destructive anger, can handle this as constructively as possible and just move on down the road. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it at this point.

That's when it gets weird. She gets all weepy looking and says, "but you promised you'd never divorce me."

And I say yeah you promised you'd forsake all others but that's just the way the dice tumble at this point. I been busting my tail over this stuff for four months and I'm just tired. Got nothing left. Dead inside when it comes to her. I told her I'd move out whenever she wanted me to but I'd prefer to wait til after Christmas so we don't ruin it for the kids...try and wait as long as possible into 2007.

And I said something like, "Do you think your parents are going to be really mad at me for this?" when our younger son walks in out of the blue, gives me a hug, thanks me for something I did earlier (don't remember what it was now) and tells me he loves me. And it feels like someone hit me in the head with a pan as I'm realizing how that kind of thing can't happen if I'm no longer at home, and I just about lose it.

So he walks out and my wife says, Please don't quit. I don't want a divorce. We can do this but not if you quit. I need you to keep leading. I suck at being a leader.

She's not the most demonstrably emotional woman around, but she seems really upset. I really don't know what to do so I shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. She's got to go to choir rehearsal and I'm taking the boys to the movies, but she says she won't leave with everything up in the air like that, and I say we'll just need to talk about it later but I'm just thinking about how I can't stand the idea of not waking up with my kids every day and wondering how we ever got in this mess to begin with.

So I take the boys to the movies and she goes to choir. When I get home we just lay down in bed and she tells me she loves me and doesn't want a divorce and we're pretty bushed so we fall asleep.

I spent the day before Thanksgiving with the boys while she worked. We picked her up from work and drove to her parents house for Thanksgiving (2 hours away...through OM territory). Neither of us mentions the divorce conversation again.

We have a real good time at the in-laws. She and I got along great and I think her parents were real happy to see us getting along so well. We even stole a few moments when everyone was out of the house for a little

Then the weekend after thanksgiving picked up. We left the boys up there to visit while we drove home alone since she had to work the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to dinner that night, then went home for some quiet time and a little more . Then more Saturday morning, which surprised me. So I cooked her breakfast and then we spent Saturday going shopping and fixing up the house for the holidays and the usual stuff.

Saturday evening, I made a candlelight dinner for her and we ate and sat around and talked a while, listening to music. Then I took her out to shoot some pool (she's never really done that, and I always did but either did it alone or not at all)...luckily, the pool hall wasn't crowded or rowdy (still pretty early) so we shot 8-ball for a couple hours and just had a nice time. Then we stopped by our neighborhood cafe on the way home for an appetizer, went home and more . Then more on Sunday morning!!

And now things seem to be great and I'm figuring she was trying to me out of all that divorce talk. Now I wish I'd never said it, and I'm afraid of what's going to come of it because if things can be this good I don't want a divorce and I certainly don't want my kids to lose their family.

We're all pretty upbeat this week...wife and I are working out together every day and playing some tennis, going to thrift stores (she likes to fix up old furniture) and all the other stuff we've been doing.

My inner numbness continues but I'm beginning to think I'm just worn out from the stress of the last few months and processing everything that's been happening. It's sort of a re-entry problem now that things are really getting to be mainly normal and good.

[Mamabear]

TL,
It appears like things are really turning around for you. Piecing is really, really hard. It is a time for us to stand back and let things happen. We need to step into our S's head for a minute and try to see things from their perspective; it's pretty humbling. They are not bad people, they just needed to do something to shake things up (I personally could have thought of other things besides an A...) but in any case it has caused us LBS to look deep within ourselves, to fix what wasn't right and to stop taking things/people for granted. Make a point to think about all the good in your life, every day, do not focus or spend too much time on the negative things.

God Bless, Mama

[toughlover]

mama

I agree wholeheartedly. I'm very fortunate...at least, I think I am. No matter how much I want things to be better right now, I'm really beginning to see that even two people wanting them to be better doesn't make it happen overnight.

My kids are doing great right now, I know that, and that is getting to be enough.

My W and I...well, it is what it is. I certainly am beginning to believe we have the potential for things to really be terrific and not be dogged by this stuff forever.

Mainly, I'm just tired of being tired. This stuff wears on you for so long that when you finally get to the point where you can relax...you don't know how, and it's even a little scary.

It's much harder for me to relax than it is to fight.

This stuff is all so draining, but I didn't realize how much energy it took until I started relaxing this past weekend with my wife.

I think things are great. I don't think I'll really be happy until I hear or see the right things from my wife, and I don't even know what those are. I know things get better every day but there's a corner we need to turn and we haven't done that yet.

I don't know if we will or not. Sometimes I believe we will, sometimes I believe we have, and sometimes I have some pretty strong doubts. I'm trying to keep them to myself though.

Things were going great this weekend but we happened to plop down on the couch to eat some lunch and watch tv...Big Daddy with Adam Sandler happened to be on, it was funny enough, but when he meets the old man who's been sleeping with his girlfriend, I had to leave the house. Sent me into a hole, so I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner. Didn't make a big deal out of it, but it was one of those moments that just come up out of nowhere and make me want to open a can of whup @ss.

[cat03]

hey you, I was wondering when that unhappiness you were feeling was going to come out, and it did in the shape of the D word. She obviously doesn't want to D, I think the tables have turned and she is now in your shoes, she doesnt' want to loose you, think of that.

I'm sure she understands that now and then we, LBS, say things we dont' really mean out of hurt, if she was so into you all those days she prob has no intentions of bringing up D again, unless you loose your marbles again.

Four months is still a short time to totally hear, so give yourself permission to feel miserable... for a little while at least. Then remember that it wasn't all about the A and that you've come a long way, that the alien who took over your W is gone.

[toughlover]

hey cat! I've missed you and those velvet-covered 2x4s!! I'm trying to keep my miserable to myself. Been doing good for almost a week now.

I swear if things hadn't happened the way they did I'd be neck deep in a MLC of my own by now. Kind of feel like I've been fighting for my M with one hand and fighting off MLC with the other, if ya know what I mean.

Just got back from a lunchtime run to the gym with the W. We have such a great time together these days and it doesn't matter what we're doing.

Truth is, for the first time really since we've been married I was kind of bummed when my folks brought the kids back yesterday...told my wife I felt like a lousy dad and she said it was normal, that's how married people who actually DO things together and ENJOY each other's company feel when they get some time just for themselves.

Truth is, we've rarely done anything together for years.

It's funny, but part of my plan for moving back in June/July was to give us a new start and saving our marriage. It's what I prayed for in early June. I never knew about her A so I never thought things would happen the way they did...wasn't convinced it would happen at all. But I think it has, or will, even if we're not all the way home yet. I definitely feel like we've rounded third.

[cat03]

we do can we can

Don't you MLC on me mister, enjoy your victory for a bit at least!

Truth is, we've rarely done anything together for years.

You are preaching to the choir, it's a shame how I put my M in the back seat for so long, my C had to remind me that before I had the kids I had married my H.

You have a big meltdown and I have tiny little ones, specially when my H has to go back to training, as long as we dont' wallow in our sadness I think it is healthy we let our blues out for a bit toots.

I couldve' had a better Thanksgiving, but I have been coughing my lungs out, all 4 days my H was off !! grrrrrrr, I was so planning on a busy week, and I'm not talking daytime Oh well, I'll get my change soon, H's training is taking a break on Dec, oh baby!

[runningoutoftime]

Naw.... you can MLC... but yours is going to be a HEALTHY ONE!!!

That is you're going to start playing guitar, working on a hot rod or go white river rafting every weekend!!!

P.s. I have trouble with those stupid movies and songs about affairs. I like the country song where she's destroying his truck and carving her name in the leather seats, but I hate the one about the "honey" calling at night with her "lips like an angel." BARF!!!!!

[cat03]

oh running, I change the station when that song comes up, it makes me SICK

When it comes up I put on a song I deemed "our" song when he came back, the one from nickelback "Far Away"

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

[toughlover]

..I suffer from this anxiety over either reading too much into insignificant things, or categorize something as insignificant when it's really not.

I posted this over in SSM but I was hoping y'all could just tell me what to think about this

One of the things that has plagued me/us is my W's confessed lack of attraction and desire for me. In other words, mainly when we have sex, for her, it's much like how I feel when I play Monopoly...I do it because she likes it, but I don't care much for the game although I have a reasonably fun time playing it just because I choose to get out of it what I can. But it's not like the enjoyment I'd get out of playing a game I really enjoy.

Well, I don't know if things are better in that area or not. I have noticed that when we "quick kiss" goodbye/hello she seems (I think) to be lingering more after I pull away, sort of seeming to want more. And when she kisses me hello/goodbye, very often it lasts much longer than before, which was a quick peck.

Is that significant or am I probably just imagining things?

I know I sound like a greenhorn, but it's been many, many years since I've had to start from scratch, which is what this seems like, that I seem to have lost my knack for picking up on this stuff...