New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

You haven't been around in a while, sure hope all is well.

Hey mama. Things have been fine...just a little hectic. Holiday traveling, kids out of school, all that stuff.

Best way I can sum things up right now is that it's going pretty good as long as I let it.

I noticed we tend to go through a cycle of three good days together, then I start getting concerned about all the usual stuff, and the memories/pain comes flooding in, and we have a rocky conversation, recover, three pretty good days, and so it goes.

Except I think we're finally breaking the cycle.

We had a conversation last Tuesday that was rockier than usual. She told me that 99% of the time I was great, but that 1% was killing it for her, that she couldn't just understand why I couldn't accept that things were fine. That it was the "same old me" who couldn't let go of something and had to clamp on and not let go, and she was tired of it.

We had just got back from working out...she was in the shower, and I was waiting for her to finish, while we're having this heated discussion. Her telling me "it was the same old me" just made me see red, but instead of yelling, I realized I'd had enough of this, and all along I kind of figured she was just sort of holding me on the edge, keeping things fair and moving along without really trying to connect or anything, so that I would file for divorce and be the bad guy. That's what I thought, anyway.

So when it was my turn for the shower I just calmly told her she was right, she and I obviously didn't seem to get it, and this would probably never work the way either of us want it to. And I took my shower.

I used every drop of hot water there was. Stayed in as long as I could. Best shower of my life. I just figured I was the kind of person who couldn't get over this crap and she was the kind of person who in the end was too self-centered to understand, so I decided to punt.

So when I go back to the bedroom to get dressed, I tell her that I'll go ahead and file, that I'll cut her loose, that I won't even use her adultery and subsequent STD as a reason, that she can go be with her a-hole OM or whoever she wanted. That we could sort out the details quietly over the holidays, and then get this done as quickly as possible come January...basically, I'd be as generous as possible, give her full custody, everything. I said I wanted to be as nice as possible over all this and maybe the real reason things worked out so good between us but then we hit a wall is because we can now at least divorce on civil terms and I'm not boiling with destructive anger, can handle this as constructively as possible and just move on down the road. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it at this point.

That's when it gets weird. She gets all weepy looking and says, "but you promised you'd never divorce me."

And I say yeah you promised you'd forsake all others but that's just the way the dice tumble at this point. I been busting my tail over this stuff for four months and I'm just tired. Got nothing left. Dead inside when it comes to her. I told her I'd move out whenever she wanted me to but I'd prefer to wait til after Christmas so we don't ruin it for the kids...try and wait as long as possible into 2007.

And I said something like, "Do you think your parents are going to be really mad at me for this?" when our younger son walks in out of the blue, gives me a hug, thanks me for something I did earlier (don't remember what it was now) and tells me he loves me. And it feels like someone hit me in the head with a pan as I'm realizing how that kind of thing can't happen if I'm no longer at home, and I just about lose it.

So he walks out and my wife says, Please don't quit. I don't want a divorce. We can do this but not if you quit. I need you to keep leading. I suck at being a leader.

She's not the most demonstrably emotional woman around, but she seems really upset. I really don't know what to do so I shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. She's got to go to choir rehearsal and I'm taking the boys to the movies, but she says she won't leave with everything up in the air like that, and I say we'll just need to talk about it later but I'm just thinking about how I can't stand the idea of not waking up with my kids every day and wondering how we ever got in this mess to begin with.

So I take the boys to the movies and she goes to choir. When I get home we just lay down in bed and she tells me she loves me and doesn't want a divorce and we're pretty bushed so we fall asleep.

I spent the day before Thanksgiving with the boys while she worked. We picked her up from work and drove to her parents house for Thanksgiving (2 hours away...through OM territory). Neither of us mentions the divorce conversation again.

We have a real good time at the in-laws. She and I got along great and I think her parents were real happy to see us getting along so well. We even stole a few moments when everyone was out of the house for a little

Then the weekend after thanksgiving picked up. We left the boys up there to visit while we drove home alone since she had to work the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to dinner that night, then went home for some quiet time and a little more . Then more Saturday morning, which surprised me. So I cooked her breakfast and then we spent Saturday going shopping and fixing up the house for the holidays and the usual stuff.

Saturday evening, I made a candlelight dinner for her and we ate and sat around and talked a while, listening to music. Then I took her out to shoot some pool (she's never really done that, and I always did but either did it alone or not at all)...luckily, the pool hall wasn't crowded or rowdy (still pretty early) so we shot 8-ball for a couple hours and just had a nice time. Then we stopped by our neighborhood cafe on the way home for an appetizer, went home and more . Then more on Sunday morning!!

And now things seem to be great and I'm figuring she was trying to me out of all that divorce talk. Now I wish I'd never said it, and I'm afraid of what's going to come of it because if things can be this good I don't want a divorce and I certainly don't want my kids to lose their family.

We're all pretty upbeat this week...wife and I are working out together every day and playing some tennis, going to thrift stores (she likes to fix up old furniture) and all the other stuff we've been doing.

My inner numbness continues but I'm beginning to think I'm just worn out from the stress of the last few months and processing everything that's been happening. It's sort of a re-entry problem now that things are really getting to be mainly normal and good.