Yeah, that feeling comes and goes...mostly when I go out of my way and do something nice for her that I know she likes. Man I don't want to have to be dealing with that the rest of my life. Makes me want to avoid doing anything extra for her...confusing.
Oh, man, if I'm an inspiration then we're all in trouble. I feel like despite the difficulty I've had this too easy since she's handled this so well. Makes me kinda suspicious...either that she hasn't handled it as well as I thought, she's just an even BETTER liar, or she's trying to control this somehow in a way I don't see yet.
Or maybe I'm just making this more difficult than it needs to be. I'm telling you, when you have a step-through-the-lookinglass experience, it makes it really hard to believe what you see...doubly for me, since I'm analytical and question everything anyway.
We have actually talked about a renewal of our vows ceremony at our church for our anniversary next summer, but I can't commit to that until I believe everything is like it should be. She's still too passive when it comes to affection and there still seems to be little desire on her part to be close physically, although she does do it anyway, and is more relaxed during it than she was a few months back.
But, there's still something not quite right there so I can't go through with something like that until we've got the passion and desire going again. To be honest, I don't see that happening at any time in the near or distant future.
I'm concerned that she may be a little warped in the sense that she can't seem to get really jazzed over someone unless there's an element of risk, danger, being bad.
I don't know if I've mentioned this or not before, but she ran off with a married man when she was 15 (he was mid-twenties), then when she came home, still 15-16, she started sleeping with another married man in her neighborhood (who must've been in his late 30s, early 40s at the time).
She went to counseling, got pregnant, got married, then divorced, ex-husband died. I met and married her later, adopted her child with XH, we had one, and life went on from there, and now I'm here. So, there's issues there.
So, I don't know if she's resolved everything or not. I've talked with her several times about whether she's got a thing about only being attracted to what is forbidden or something spooky like that, if she's capable of having a normal, mature, real relationship that isn't under the pressure cooker of something illicit. She says there's nothing to work out, she just has made poor choices. But I'm not convinced.
Not much I can really do about it, though.
She recently made the statement to me that, "If things never get any better than they are right now, would that be so bad?"
My answer was, "Yes, it would. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but it would mean our relationship hadn't fully matured and become everything it should be."
So, until something happens in terms of her attraction/passion/desire issues, I don't see things getting better than they are now. Maybe I'm dense.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Curious, what is your definition of a "mature" relationship?
I've posted on the board before about me & husband renewing our vows. It's been quite sometime since I found out my H's A and we still haven't renewed our vows. It was so important to me in the beginning but now it isn't. I thought that would be quick fix but as I go through each day I realize there isn't a "quick" fix.
Do me a favor. Stop thinking negatively, instead of telling yourself "I don't see things getting better" tell yourself "things are getting better." Look, she's trying and it appears that you want your M to work, so make it work!
Remember, everyday is a gift that why it's called the "present".
Ouch, Gwyn, that stung a little. Guess I needed that
You're right...I've been doing a lousy job of taking my own advice 100% of the time. I do good 90% though...
We're not pursuing the renewal of vows thing as a quick fix...honestly. We see it as important as a commemoration of our commitment to centering our marriage on God, and simply want our family and friends to be in on it and celebrate it with us because, frankly, it's the best thing we've done.
I agree that things are getting better, generally. It's just that as time goes on I feel more and more dead inside. In a way it kind of helps me understand how she must have felt/must feel...but it kind of freaks me out because while I'm still doing everything I'm supposed to, I usually don't care whether it works or not these days. I know I'm supposed to care, and I want to care, I just don't. I try not to let that affect my behavior and actions though.
I'm kind of hoping things will pick up for both of us again next year. We have a nice time together, but it's sort of like just being best friends. The affection feels forced not only from her side now, but I'm having to force mine a little too, or stop altogether.
I'm trying to keep posting about it here to keep a record and maybe if things get better it will encourage someone else with the same or similar problem.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: We have a nice time together, but it's sort of like just being best friends. The affection feels forced
This is exactly how I feel and frankly it is not what I want for my M. Yes, I want us to be best friends but I also want more. I know you get what you give but it is hard to give affection when the recipient acts cold and rigid.
I know you and your wife have discussed this, and as you know from my thread that I am contemplating this same conversation; I just don't know how.
More = * H calls me during the day for no reason other than to say he was thinking of me (Like pre-A) * H gives me a hug and kiss when either of us leaves the house or returns home. * H shows affection towards me i.e. holding my hand during walks, putting his arm around me while watch TV and this is the big one, we ML at the very least once a week.
I just feel like he stayed in the M for all the wrong reasons; for the sake of our kids (ages 5,9 & 11) and because financially he cannot afford to leave. I want to feel like he stayed because he realized what a wonderful life we have TOGETHER, that deep down he really does love me, and only me, with all his heart. Is that asking too much? Are my expectations too unrealistic?
Thanks. I too am a "touchy/feely" kind of person. I guess my sitch is a little different. My H and I are very accustomed to holding hands, cuddling, and frankly still do,even post affair, but the REASON I stayed was because I didn't want to loose my bestfriend. His friendship means the world to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think there's a person out there that doesn't like affection, be it men or women, but with a "mature" relationship, that can play second fiddle to a relationship that is deeper and more meaningful, the kind of relationship that you can share your biggest secret, share your joys, share your ups and downs. I also often talk to him like I would a woman bestfriend, I'm not afraid to tell him anything. With that type of openess, we've grown closer. He trusts me (no, I don't completely trust him, but I'm working on it)and he also knows that he now can tell me anything. I guess what I'm trying to say, I treat him like my friend, he treats me like his friend, we share our emotions, our dreams, etc. which makes us closer, which leads to intimacy. It's the cause and affect rule. I hope this makes sense. You asked if you are you asking for too much? That is a question that only you can answer. I've answered that question and I'm content with my answer.
I agree that things are getting better, generally. It's just that as time goes on I feel more and more dead inside. In a way it kind of helps me understand how she must have felt/must feel...
Hummmm.... I wonder if that's detachment or even a little depression???
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
