Gwyn...you're wonderful. Thank you. A lot has happened since last post.
Fact of the matter is, I've had trouble because being on this board, experiencing the betrayal I've experienced, and hearing from so many great women out there who'd be very appreciative of someone like me has been hard because when I meet people in "real life" who've gone through some stuff and would clearly love to be with someone who they could really trust and who, in turn, knowing the pain and hurt, would be very trustworthy...well, the temptation for me is to just think, "Why not wipe the slate clean instead of stay in a M that, at best, may just be mediocre."
Of course, that's a lie I won't buy into. I do remind myself I'm here because of who God is, not really because of who my W is or even who I am right now. I guess my greatest concern right now is that things will never be great...they'll just sort of drizzle on.
Today is the day my wife travels upstate for a wedding...alone. This is the first time she's been off on her own since we moved and she dropped the bomb. And she has to travel through the OM's county to get there. Even though just last week she told me that now that some time and distance have let her see things a little differently, she sees that the OM is a "sad, sorry individual", it still doesn't sit well with me because, as we know, she has been a terrific liar.
As it turned out, our kids have no school today, and I had scheduled a vacation day today to do some freelance work and work around the house. So, theoretically, we all could have gone with her.
Well, I bit the bullet and told her I would be fine with her going alone. I know my sons don't want to spend their day off school at a wedding , and had originally planned to be here to pick them up from school and stuff anyhow, so now we're going to spend the day doing guy stuff.
The way I figured it, and I still do, is that this is an opportunity for growth and progress by letting her go and not worrying about it. Still, it's hard...not even so much that it would hurt me...more that I'm to the point where I don't think she could now but I don't like being jerked around.
It seems like it's my turn to just go through the motions for a while.
It's just really odd to me because from the time I met my wife I've never had eyes for anyone else. I still don't but some days I just see her as someone very far away even though we're getting closer than we've been in years.
I guess I'm too much of a typical guy. Dealing with feelings isn't a strong suit of mine...whether they're my feelings or someone elses. It's not something I've ever thought about much before and know it seems like a code I can't crack. Wierd.
She left a few minutes ago dressed up for work and then the wedding. She looked stunning. Asked me to walk her out to the car after she said goodbye to the kids. She looked me in the eye and told me she loved me, that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and all I could think was, "There is no way to know if that's a lie or not because all she's done for years is lie to me."
But you're right Gwyn...I tend to be very driven these days and go full speed ahead when I need something done, and want it done yesterday...don't like loose ends, and this whole sitch to me is like the mother of all loose ends, but it's only been 4 months, and I realize this isn't like a project at work or home. Maybe someday things will really be great. It's just kind of wierd to be here and not seem to really care much one way or another.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
, and had originally planned to be here to pick them up from school and stuff anyhow, so now we're going to spend the day doing guy stuff.