Remember love is a choice. You can choose to feel nothing, or you can choose to feel it all. What is that YOU want? The way I see it is that God hates divorce, but he also gave us a way of escape because immorality is a reason for divorce. I struggled with this and actually, I still do. I prayed over and over, Lord, is this your way of telling me leave this man? Then my MC said that it was my choice and God would bless me either way. So I'm staying with my H because I think that it's a noble work. To leave is the easier way.
I, like you, really feel that I would have no problem in "catching" someone. I'm self sufficient, in good shape, blonde, green eyes, petite and look pretty good(at least for my age). But so what?! Hypothetically speaking, let's say that I decided that I can't live with someone who mistreated my vows the way he did. So I get a divorce without being held accountable by my Lord, and I fall for someone else. All it would be is another person with different issues and given the statistics on cheating spouses, I could go through all of this again. I'll take my chances with a remorseful spouse who is willing to do what it takes to put the M back together.
TL, I can relate to the "dead" feeling. I feel that quite a bit with my H. It sometimes sickens me that I'm still with him because I really don't have to be. What I do, and what may work for you is to change my "self-talk". I tell myself I love my H and I'm grateful for him wanting to stay with me and face me everyday. It's got to be hard for him. I tell myself that I love him and I want our M. In time, I'm hoping that the "disdain" that I have for him will eventually fade away for good. BTW, you are not very far in your recovery so give it time. I'm a year and half into this recovery. Yes, I still battle with staying or leaving. I haven't left yet (and by the way, no kids to make me stay) and I take one day at a time. The good days really are starting to outweigh the bad.
Hang in there. Trust God. Stay in prayer and let God show you His plan.
