hey, TL, don't say that , you are a great person, and empty dead person doesn't give to others the way you give to us, the hope you have given me.
Though I see where you are coming from, it took me months to have my H reciprocate affection, not that he innitiates as much as I do, but little by little it has gotten better, it's taken almost 6mths. I pray that in 6 more months your W lifts whatever wall she has inside her so she can decide love & to give w/joy.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I hear you, cat, but I'm not sure I even care any more about that. I did for a long time...then when I got the first ILY a few weeks back, I ended up realizing that, just like my W, I really don't feel much at all anymore.
First I was numb, then I was hurt, then I was briefly passionate about her again, but now...nothin'.
And it ain't about getting or not getting anything from her. It never really was. I see that now.
I hate to say this but aside from the effect on the kids, at this point I don't think I'd really care if she did leave for good. I know I never will; I do believe God blesses obedience. I've experienced it.
Reminds me of a joke our preacher told one Sunday about two guys on a plane talking about religion, one starts talking about how the devil can lead you astray. The other asks, "You really believe there's a devil?" To which the first replies, "I know there is. I've done business with him."
Well, along those lines, I've seen prayers answered through all of this and things happen that just would never have happened otherwise. And I have been richly blessed. But the thing I've learned is that God blesses us with, well, what he blesses us with, not necessarily what we want but what we need.
I do have all I need. I just don't have the wife I want. But I do have a good one who I'm beginning to admire and respect, and trust, again. She has demonstrated a tremendous amount of character in the last few months and, while I do remain cautious about her continuing in that, I am hopeful, for her sake and the sake of our sons.
I do take pride in the kind of husband and father I am now. Of course, as the saying goes, I ain't perfect, but I am forgiven, and I do seek to live out of that every day in appreciation, obedience, and love for God for what I DO have.
Sometimes I just think we want too much, that I want and expect too much. I'm the kind of guy who either gives 110% or nothing, I'm either hot or cold.
I was so hot for her for so long I think I may have just burned out, snuffed out the pilot light so to speak.
I'm still doing all the good things for her, don't get me wrong. She deserves it, and at the very least, after the way I treated her for years, I owe her for that if nothing else, and for really being a great mom here lately. I want the boys to see that, how a husband ought to treat his wife. But the truth is, husbands and wives should have expectations of each other.
I truly expect nothing now, and it's pretty damn liberating.
She's still gettin' the royal treatment, but my heart ain't in it. I'm not sure that's a bad thing anymore. I'm just tired of the drama, the silliness, the way people screw up their lives over stupidity...or worse, their children's lives. Just since we agreed that MC had taken us as far as it could, we've had two couples, one family, one friends, who are both dealing with WAW in various stages. Of course, we see it all unfolding in a way that the participants do not. We've tried to gently intervene, offer an ear to talk to, a little common sense. People don't listen til they're ready.
There's too much that's truly good out there. Too much I want to do for myself and with my sons while I've still got them at home. I've been giving my W my best these last several months, and she didn't even really deserve it, but it's what I'm called to do. But I feel like I've taken a little from my boys to do that, so now they're going to get more.
Started today...took a late lunch at work just so I could go home, shoot baskets and drink kool-aid with my 5th grader when he got home from school.
Now that's living
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
The one thing I'm learning about this process is that what I thought I'd feel and what I actually feel are not the same thing. Hang in there. God will provide a way where there is no way.
I've watched your threads from the beginning. I admire your posts on this and others' threads.
I understand how you are feeling right now about your wife. I go there frequently with my H. At first it is a scary feeling, but I've learned that it stems from the normal ebb and flow of marriage, my emotions and just the experiences life deals us. When I get like that, I start praying for God to help me love my H. I mean really love him. I never feel like praying it but I do it anyway. Usually pretty soon I have that overwhelming loving feeling again. Of course the cycle repeats and I couldn't care less. But I have realized this is probably normal and is also probably how my H feels about me at times. As a Christian, I know you understand that we are all fallen and will never experience true happiness on this side. Contentment, yes, but lasting happiness, something to look forward to one day in His presence.
GodBless, BethJ
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
Remember love is a choice. You can choose to feel nothing, or you can choose to feel it all. What is that YOU want? The way I see it is that God hates divorce, but he also gave us a way of escape because immorality is a reason for divorce. I struggled with this and actually, I still do. I prayed over and over, Lord, is this your way of telling me leave this man? Then my MC said that it was my choice and God would bless me either way. So I'm staying with my H because I think that it's a noble work. To leave is the easier way.
I, like you, really feel that I would have no problem in "catching" someone. I'm self sufficient, in good shape, blonde, green eyes, petite and look pretty good(at least for my age). But so what?! Hypothetically speaking, let's say that I decided that I can't live with someone who mistreated my vows the way he did. So I get a divorce without being held accountable by my Lord, and I fall for someone else. All it would be is another person with different issues and given the statistics on cheating spouses, I could go through all of this again. I'll take my chances with a remorseful spouse who is willing to do what it takes to put the M back together.
TL, I can relate to the "dead" feeling. I feel that quite a bit with my H. It sometimes sickens me that I'm still with him because I really don't have to be. What I do, and what may work for you is to change my "self-talk". I tell myself I love my H and I'm grateful for him wanting to stay with me and face me everyday. It's got to be hard for him. I tell myself that I love him and I want our M. In time, I'm hoping that the "disdain" that I have for him will eventually fade away for good. BTW, you are not very far in your recovery so give it time. I'm a year and half into this recovery. Yes, I still battle with staying or leaving. I haven't left yet (and by the way, no kids to make me stay) and I take one day at a time. The good days really are starting to outweigh the bad.
Hang in there. Trust God. Stay in prayer and let God show you His plan.
Gwyn...you're wonderful. Thank you. A lot has happened since last post.
Fact of the matter is, I've had trouble because being on this board, experiencing the betrayal I've experienced, and hearing from so many great women out there who'd be very appreciative of someone like me has been hard because when I meet people in "real life" who've gone through some stuff and would clearly love to be with someone who they could really trust and who, in turn, knowing the pain and hurt, would be very trustworthy...well, the temptation for me is to just think, "Why not wipe the slate clean instead of stay in a M that, at best, may just be mediocre."
Of course, that's a lie I won't buy into. I do remind myself I'm here because of who God is, not really because of who my W is or even who I am right now. I guess my greatest concern right now is that things will never be great...they'll just sort of drizzle on.
Today is the day my wife travels upstate for a wedding...alone. This is the first time she's been off on her own since we moved and she dropped the bomb. And she has to travel through the OM's county to get there. Even though just last week she told me that now that some time and distance have let her see things a little differently, she sees that the OM is a "sad, sorry individual", it still doesn't sit well with me because, as we know, she has been a terrific liar.
As it turned out, our kids have no school today, and I had scheduled a vacation day today to do some freelance work and work around the house. So, theoretically, we all could have gone with her.
Well, I bit the bullet and told her I would be fine with her going alone. I know my sons don't want to spend their day off school at a wedding , and had originally planned to be here to pick them up from school and stuff anyhow, so now we're going to spend the day doing guy stuff.
The way I figured it, and I still do, is that this is an opportunity for growth and progress by letting her go and not worrying about it. Still, it's hard...not even so much that it would hurt me...more that I'm to the point where I don't think she could now but I don't like being jerked around.
It seems like it's my turn to just go through the motions for a while.
It's just really odd to me because from the time I met my wife I've never had eyes for anyone else. I still don't but some days I just see her as someone very far away even though we're getting closer than we've been in years.
I guess I'm too much of a typical guy. Dealing with feelings isn't a strong suit of mine...whether they're my feelings or someone elses. It's not something I've ever thought about much before and know it seems like a code I can't crack. Wierd.
She left a few minutes ago dressed up for work and then the wedding. She looked stunning. Asked me to walk her out to the car after she said goodbye to the kids. She looked me in the eye and told me she loved me, that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and all I could think was, "There is no way to know if that's a lie or not because all she's done for years is lie to me."
But you're right Gwyn...I tend to be very driven these days and go full speed ahead when I need something done, and want it done yesterday...don't like loose ends, and this whole sitch to me is like the mother of all loose ends, but it's only been 4 months, and I realize this isn't like a project at work or home. Maybe someday things will really be great. It's just kind of wierd to be here and not seem to really care much one way or another.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Trust me, you care. Let me share something with you. When I found out about my H A, I did all the wrong things, yelled, cried a lot, cut my H to the core. Now remember, from the day I found out he wanted us to work things out. I was way too angry and I left him. For 10 months. We dated, I still vented, I hated him, I loved him, he never gave up, until one day, I started fussing about his A, he listened for a while and then finally said, you know what? I've had enough. I want a divorse. I was thinking when he said this, now isn't this ironic. He cheated, had an A and he's going to divorce me? Well, the heck he is! That's when things started to turn around for me. It became clear that I may actually loose him. He may actually walk, not me, him! And, I'll tell you right now, if your W walked - you would care!!!
The one thing we on this board knows is that we cannot control what our spouses do. We are not in control of them and they make their own choices. Guess what? So do we! That power has not been lost and you have to realize that your W has those same fears- that you maybe the one to walk. She knows that you have every right to and that's why she's trying so hard!!! She doesn't want to lose you. Now ask yourself this. Do you want to lose her? I hear you, "you would be sad" yada, yada, yada. You will be more than sad!! Think about it. Visualize it.
Look, I'm tempted every day. Why? Because I'm vulnerable right now. I'm an easy target and I'm more aware of people looking at me, smiling at me etc. I think I'm more aware of this because I'm not as committed to my M as I once was. Here's how I overcome the temptations, prayer is without saying, so here's another. I stay away from places that I should not be!!! I stay away from single people, unhappy people and negative people. I have actually cut off contact with a girl friend of mine that has been my friend for 20+ years but I can't take the nagative, doom and gloom talk. I don't know why I'm going off on this but I can almost sense that you don't want to find someone else but you're keeping your options open.
Stay up-beat. Beat the odds. You're doing great, much better than most 4 months into recovery.
Quote: "There is no way to know if that's a lie or not because all she's done for years is lie to me."
well, it's been 8mths since H's been back, and only until this past month that I'm able to trust him, to stop looking into his car for "signs", don't look at his phone any more. My H is a compulsive liar, so it has been extra hard, but trust me, eventually, all those crazy thoughts will go away too, trust crawled back to me, but it did... it's almost there, but it sure took its sweet time!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, the wedding thing went off without a hitch. I never really worried (aside from the usual stuff...car dying on the side of the road 'tween here and there, etc.).
My day with the boys ended up being messed up since the 14 year old's girlfriend invited him over to watch movies with her parents, and my 10 year old got invited to spend the night at a friend's house, so I ended up being home alone friday night.
My W called me several times "just to chat" but I think she was trying to reassure me...even though I don't think I really needed it.
I called her later to see if the wedding was going okay and she said yeah but she was heading home early...the food wasn't good and everyone was going bar-hopping and she wasn't interested in that.
So I got the house cleaned up, whipped up some munchies in the kitchen (a new hobby), filled the den with candles and had some soft music going for her when she got home. We relaxed on the love seat, talked about the wedding and stuff until it was time to go pick up my son.
When I got back, of course, she was exhausted and half-asleep, so I tucked her in and watched war movies on AMC.
Over the weekend I found out I scored points ( x 3 ) for the "atmosphere", the food, and not trying to get in her pants when she was so tired after all that driving.
She seems a little more open to me but I think I'm doing too much for her...makes me think she sees me as a wuss.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
, you are a great person, and empty dead person doesn't give to others the way you give to us, the hope you have given me.
, and had originally planned to be here to pick them up from school and stuff anyhow, so now we're going to spend the day doing guy stuff.
x 3 ) for the "atmosphere", the food, and not trying to get in her pants when she was so tired after all that driving.