New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

I hear you, cat, but I'm not sure I even care any more about that. I did for a long time...then when I got the first ILY a few weeks back, I ended up realizing that, just like my W, I really don't feel much at all anymore.

First I was numb, then I was hurt, then I was briefly passionate about her again, but now...nothin'.

And it ain't about getting or not getting anything from her. It never really was. I see that now.

I hate to say this but aside from the effect on the kids, at this point I don't think I'd really care if she did leave for good. I know I never will; I do believe God blesses obedience. I've experienced it.

Reminds me of a joke our preacher told one Sunday about two guys on a plane talking about religion, one starts talking about how the devil can lead you astray. The other asks, "You really believe there's a devil?" To which the first replies, "I know there is. I've done business with him."

Well, along those lines, I've seen prayers answered through all of this and things happen that just would never have happened otherwise. And I have been richly blessed. But the thing I've learned is that God blesses us with, well, what he blesses us with, not necessarily what we want but what we need.

I do have all I need. I just don't have the wife I want. But I do have a good one who I'm beginning to admire and respect, and trust, again. She has demonstrated a tremendous amount of character in the last few months and, while I do remain cautious about her continuing in that, I am hopeful, for her sake and the sake of our sons.

I do take pride in the kind of husband and father I am now. Of course, as the saying goes, I ain't perfect, but I am forgiven, and I do seek to live out of that every day in appreciation, obedience, and love for God for what I DO have.

Sometimes I just think we want too much, that I want and expect too much. I'm the kind of guy who either gives 110% or nothing, I'm either hot or cold.

I was so hot for her for so long I think I may have just burned out, snuffed out the pilot light so to speak.

I'm still doing all the good things for her, don't get me wrong. She deserves it, and at the very least, after the way I treated her for years, I owe her for that if nothing else, and for really being a great mom here lately. I want the boys to see that, how a husband ought to treat his wife. But the truth is, husbands and wives should have expectations of each other.

I truly expect nothing now, and it's pretty damn liberating.

She's still gettin' the royal treatment, but my heart ain't in it. I'm not sure that's a bad thing anymore. I'm just tired of the drama, the silliness, the way people screw up their lives over stupidity...or worse, their children's lives. Just since we agreed that MC had taken us as far as it could, we've had two couples, one family, one friends, who are both dealing with WAW in various stages. Of course, we see it all unfolding in a way that the participants do not. We've tried to gently intervene, offer an ear to talk to, a little common sense. People don't listen til they're ready.

There's too much that's truly good out there. Too much I want to do for myself and with my sons while I've still got them at home. I've been giving my W my best these last several months, and she didn't even really deserve it, but it's what I'm called to do. But I feel like I've taken a little from my boys to do that, so now they're going to get more.

Started today...took a late lunch at work just so I could go home, shoot baskets and drink kool-aid with my 5th grader when he got home from school.

Now that's living