New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

Today is our official 4 month commemoration of our marriage's d-day.

I feel like I'm well on my way to being truly over the past. I'm no longer the problem. My wife also seems to be beginning to realize what a true scumbag the OM really was, how he was charming and talked a good game, saw her coming a mile away and pushed all the right buttons all the time, but a scumbag nonethless.

Mostly good times now. Surprisingly good. Things are smooth and secure and settled. Never thought we'd ever be here at all in our lives, much less now.

We're great friends who work together extremely well, have a great time together, ML 3-4 days a week, enjoy our kids, and actively pray together, are involved in church stuff together. I even taught Sunday School last weekend (to adults, no less!).

We don't talk about the R much now. Last convo W said if it never gets better than this, she's happy with it, better than most people have.

No interest in passion or romance from her side, no attraction or any real wifely affection. She does "service me" sexually but doesn't seem to get anything out of it. I quit pushing a while back and don't complain. For a long time I was courting her...maybe too soon, but she said she liked it and it was helping. And I wanted to.

I have to admit...I no longer want to and don't really care anymore whether she wants me to or not.

I've been startled to wake up the past several mornings and find that I no longer cared if she was snuggled up to me or not anymore, barely noticed the "good morning" peck, returned to my days of detachment when I slept totally on my side of the bed and didn't expect anything...except I still knew what I was missing, and cared.

I don't know what's going to happen with that. I don't see that changing at all. Everything else has changed dramatically and I feel like I've been instrumental in that, and so has she.

I know I'm a catch. Sorry for the arrogance. I'm no super stud, just a decent enough guy in pretty great shape for 40The GAL, 180, PMA new me is getting more attention from females than I've gotten in years. Unsolicited, mind you. I have to confess, it's a huge charge to get a little ego boost and admiration from the opposite sex. But I will not cheat on my God, my W, my M, my kids, or myself. Ever. Besides, my W gave me genital H and it would be immoral of me to inflict that upon someone else.

I'm pretty OK with it all heading into the holidays. My life and my marriage is not exactly what I want, but it's much better than it's been in years, and, more importantly, my kids are really thriving now. That has been a tremendous blessing.

And I've been through the wringer, been really tested, had some bad moments, but remained honorable, truly corrected my mistakes. I have to give glory to God for that, but I have deep satisfaction over having made the right choices. I wouldn't have done it differently...just maybe with a better attitude sometimes.

But I must confess a deep sadness and loneliness. While my W and I are together and have clearly given our sons a tremendous amount of peace and comfort and security, it still feels like we're holding hands across a ditch or fence.

In short, we both are happy with our marriage, believe it's been saved and we're in the clear.

But I'm dead inside. I always wanted to quit feeling hurt and angry, but I never imagined I'd feel nothing. My fire's gone out.