New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

Things get better every day, but we're by no means out of the woods.

My W seems more convinced of this than I am at this point. She seems more confident and optimistic about the future than I'd ever have expected. Ever.

I must confess, it makes me suspicious. The kind of patience and control she exhibited while she was cheating and fooling everyone by severely limiting her contact with OM so that "they could be together in the future" is still kinda scary for someone like me...I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. Have no interest in living secret lives. I'm not smart enough and intuitively know how bad I'd suffer, not to mention everyone else. I like things to be simple...that's why this kind of sitch throws me for a loop.

Maybe it's because that, although we're only 4 months into recovery, her A lasted 3 years so she's been living all these lies for so long that a big part of it is just her being relieved she doesn't have to live the lies anymore.

We've been praying together every day for our kids, each other, friends and family. We've been specifically praying for a few marriages we suspected could use it.

Interestingly enough, we got a call on Halloween night from a member of our extended family, someone who's much wilder than us and who recently got married just a few weeks before my W dropped the B back in the summer. This is someone who never asks us for advice about anything, someone we've been praying for for four months.

She told us that she wants to divorce her husband. Feels nothing for him. They're both miserable. No hope. Huge sense of relief from walking away.

My W and I made a commitment that if we learned anything from this we would share it with anyone who came to us needing help. Looks like we've got our first customer. Everyone she knows tells her, "Yeah, if you're not in love anymore, you might as well bail."

My W stayed on the phone with her an hour or so the first night telling her it could be better than she ever imagined if she gives it her best shot. My W said, You know, if you had come to me about this 5 months ago I would've probably agreed with you. Now I don't.

5 months ago my W was ready to divorce me. Had already seen a lawyer. Even as she told me about her A, she was hoping I'd call it quits, rip our family apart. Now she's the one going against the grain and telling people to stay together and work things out.

These days I manage to confine my frustration to this message board, though. My W treats me better every day. Better, I think, than she's probably ever treated me, even when she was more "in love" with me than she is now.

Not sure what to make of that...although I'm trying to take the advice of some of you wonderful folks out there in DB land and not make anything of it, just enjoy it.

I'm getting there

[believing_isaiah43]

TL, dude, you are inspiring! Thank you. you also have some parallels to my own life (i wish there were more, but I'll take the ones I have!)

My W treats me better every day. Better, I think, than she's probably ever treated me, even when she was more "in love" with me than she is now.

I have to reluctantly agree with this for me as well, probably not to the degree of your situation, but pretty much this is the case. He's more involved with the family than ever before and does do his best to communicate his thoughts to me more than he used to. He has no great 'in love' feelings for me, which makes my inner romantic want to curl up and die, but he treats our R better now than when he did. Thanks for the reminder.

I think your W is fabulous, I'm so impressed with her. I do understand your inner fears, though. I think we'll all be struggling with that for a some time to come.

[Gwyn]

TL - I know the feelings you are having so well. You want so much to go back to he innocence of your marriage, and you can't. It has been stripped away and boy does that hurt. BUT, I am reminded that God will never give me more than I can handle, so not to disappoint my God, I handle it. My suffering pales into comparison of Jesus's suffering so I remind myself of this. I do know how you feel, my H is doing everything right. He is more attentive, loving, etc., yet.......I still watch him because frankly I still think he lies way too much. Little, insignificant lies, nonetheless, lies. He lies to other people, not necessarily to me. He really has a character flaw, he tries hard to make himself something he's not. A little advise that has helped me along the way and hope that it too will help you. I pray everyday that if God wants me out of my M, he'll reveal that to me. So far, He hasn't which is why I stay - it is exactly where I'm suppose to be. I have to ask, because I struggle with this and you sound like you are going through some of the same struggles. Do you think sometimes that God would show you a different path that leads you down a different road than being with your wife? Only because it's easier and that's what your wife deserves? I know I have those thoughts a lot, but then again, I do test the spirit and those thoughts aren't from God. I'm just asking as this is such a struggle and I wanted to know if we all have the same type of struggles.

TL, you and your wife can make this work. I've been recovering for a year and a half. It does become easier to block it out, but you have to continue to work at it! You sound like a doer.

[toughlover]

Hey, good to hear from y'all again.

bi43,

I think your W is fabulous, I'm so impressed with her

Yeah, thanks, I'm becoming pretty impressed with her as well. As much as I'm repulsed by who she was, I'm ecstatic over who she's becoming. We would certainly not be as far along as we are now without her commitment. I really admire her alot and can now see how much more important that is.

Gwyn,

Do you think sometimes that God would show you a different path that leads you down a different road than being with your wife?

Absolutely not. I'm a Christian and I truly believe God designed marriage to, as Gary Thomas writes, "make us holy rather than happy"...although happiness may be a part of it. I believe he hates divorce and don't believe that's ever His will.

I don't believe I have the right in God's eyes to cease being responsible for my wife and our relationship. When I committed to "for better or for worse," that wasn't just reciting some flowery language. Of course, I'm also partially responsbile for making things worse, so I'm obligated to do my best to make things better now.

She of course is free to reject it and walk away from it, me, and our marriage, and if she ever chooses to do that, well, that'd be her choice but it'd be the wrong one. I sure hope she doesn't, though.

Only because it's easier and that's what your wife deserves?

Well, actually, there have been times I wanted her to experience exactly what she deserves, but God slapped my upside my head and reminded me that if we all simply got what we deserved, we'd be in serious trouble. I'm obligated to forgive because of the forgiveness I've received, and God blesses obedience. I'm fortunate in that my W seeks to be obedient as well. For now. But I've made enough progress on my own that even if she bails now or in the future, I sure would be hurt and saddened by it, but it wouldn't devastate me I don't think.

[Gwyn]

Good to hear that you have this attitude. It's funny though in my sitch. I keep praying that God will reveal to me what I need to know rather than to bless my marriage. Any opinion on that? Sorry to hi-jack your thread.

You're an inspiration to me and it sounds like your wife is in inspiration to you. It's amazing how God works.

[toughlover]

Hijack away. The more discussion, the better IMO.

I keep praying that God will reveal to me what I need to know rather than to bless my marriage. Any opinion on that?

I don't think we ever go wrong in praying. Ultimately, whatever you're praying for, just keep on with a mind and heart open to God. That's what works for me. I think no matter what the prayer is always "thy will be done." So we pray to discover his will, to be changed to do his will, and to hear his voice. I think God blesses obedience, it's up to us to have Him show us what those blessings are. Sometimes he blesses us with something other than what we want.

You're an inspiration to me and it sounds like your wife is in inspiration to you.

She is, truly, now and in a way I never imagined. However, it's still too soon for me to be comfortable saying we've made it. It would appear that it's our game to lose, however.

It's amazing how God works.

No doubt!

[cat03]

it's still too soon for me to be comfortable saying we've made it.

how about "we are making it?" it's a work in progress

[toughlover]

how about "we are making it?" it's a work in progress

True! Thanks. I guess that's the way it is no matter what, eh? We're all either progressing or digressing.

[runningoutoftime]

Well... sometimes it can be three steps forward and two steps back. Without challenges and difficulties how would we ever be able to truly appreciate the good?

I can understand the feelings you've described. I think it takes time to rebuild trust. Also, I think when we forgive them, and give love, support and care without blame or anger, they appreciate us much more than they ever would have.

[toughlover]

Today is our official 4 month commemoration of our marriage's d-day.

I feel like I'm well on my way to being truly over the past. I'm no longer the problem. My wife also seems to be beginning to realize what a true scumbag the OM really was, how he was charming and talked a good game, saw her coming a mile away and pushed all the right buttons all the time, but a scumbag nonethless.

Mostly good times now. Surprisingly good. Things are smooth and secure and settled. Never thought we'd ever be here at all in our lives, much less now.

We're great friends who work together extremely well, have a great time together, ML 3-4 days a week, enjoy our kids, and actively pray together, are involved in church stuff together. I even taught Sunday School last weekend (to adults, no less!).

We don't talk about the R much now. Last convo W said if it never gets better than this, she's happy with it, better than most people have.

No interest in passion or romance from her side, no attraction or any real wifely affection. She does "service me" sexually but doesn't seem to get anything out of it. I quit pushing a while back and don't complain. For a long time I was courting her...maybe too soon, but she said she liked it and it was helping. And I wanted to.

I have to admit...I no longer want to and don't really care anymore whether she wants me to or not.

I've been startled to wake up the past several mornings and find that I no longer cared if she was snuggled up to me or not anymore, barely noticed the "good morning" peck, returned to my days of detachment when I slept totally on my side of the bed and didn't expect anything...except I still knew what I was missing, and cared.

I don't know what's going to happen with that. I don't see that changing at all. Everything else has changed dramatically and I feel like I've been instrumental in that, and so has she.

I know I'm a catch. Sorry for the arrogance. I'm no super stud, just a decent enough guy in pretty great shape for 40The GAL, 180, PMA new me is getting more attention from females than I've gotten in years. Unsolicited, mind you. I have to confess, it's a huge charge to get a little ego boost and admiration from the opposite sex. But I will not cheat on my God, my W, my M, my kids, or myself. Ever. Besides, my W gave me genital H and it would be immoral of me to inflict that upon someone else.

I'm pretty OK with it all heading into the holidays. My life and my marriage is not exactly what I want, but it's much better than it's been in years, and, more importantly, my kids are really thriving now. That has been a tremendous blessing.

And I've been through the wringer, been really tested, had some bad moments, but remained honorable, truly corrected my mistakes. I have to give glory to God for that, but I have deep satisfaction over having made the right choices. I wouldn't have done it differently...just maybe with a better attitude sometimes.

But I must confess a deep sadness and loneliness. While my W and I are together and have clearly given our sons a tremendous amount of peace and comfort and security, it still feels like we're holding hands across a ditch or fence.

In short, we both are happy with our marriage, believe it's been saved and we're in the clear.

But I'm dead inside. I always wanted to quit feeling hurt and angry, but I never imagined I'd feel nothing. My fire's gone out.