New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

First, I appreciate all the 2x4s wrapped in velvet I've received here. Needed em. Got my head back after a couple days of I don't know what.

Second, new development. A tough one.

Things're moving along alright. W calls me yesterday at work to say that a good friend of hers she used to work with is getting married in two weeks. It's on a Fri at 4pm and is a good 2 hour drive, max, so she'd be leaving around 1pm.

The dilemma is that we've been living in a new city (same state) since July when bomb was dropped. NC between W and OM in that time (4 months). OM lives 70 miles away, smack dab in between our new city and the city where the wedding is.

So, unless we take the kids out of school and drag them with us or arrange for them to be with friends (we could prob do this), she will have to go by herself if she goes. There are two routes she can take to get there. One goes right through the town OM lives in. The other, an interstate, cuts through the same county, but fairly far from OM. Still, if she wanted to meet up w/him, it would be easy for him to meet her along the interstate anywhere.

I don't know how vulnerable she is to this guy, or if she's even tempted to call him. I also know based on his previous behavior that it wouldn't be out of the question if he got word she was going to be at the wedding to go "stake out" the place and see if she showed up alone, then try and contact her. He probably won't find out, as there's no real connection between my W's former place of work and him, but still, you never know.

So, while logically I think I'm in control here, I'm still getting real uneasy about this. But I don't want to blow the progress we've made.

Here's what I did when my wife told me she wanted to go, and suggested the possibilities with the kids, getting my mother to drive down and watch them so we could go together, etc.

I said that I was uncomfortable with her going, to be honest, but I was more uncomfortable with the idea that we would start having to move heaven and earth to make arrangements for the kids every time something made me a little uneasy. It would satisfy me for that incident, but there would be no way to make progress on myself in that area.

I said I hoped that the progress we made was real and that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that, and that I wanted her to go. I'd just stay here, mind the kids, and hope she enjoys the wedding.

I feel pretty good about it, and have decided, after much prayer and giving this to God, that it's the best response for the following reasons:

1. Most opportunity for personal progress for me. Her willingness to arrange things so I can go, or even her willingness to NOT go at all if I'm too uncomfortable (she said she's willing to not go if I ask, are nice but I feel like if I take her up on that, I'm just treading water, whereas doing it my way helps me get over things. If she fails, I still win because I couldn't let her go if I weren't capable of dealing with all possible outcomes...so if she fails, I just continue detaching even though it sets us back to square 0. If she maintains NC during the trip, that will help us as a couple, I'm sure.

2. I'm just not going to live my life in bondage to fear of any kind. Not worth it. Doesn't help me or my kids. Doesn't help my M if it continues to improve. I don't want to be the problem or the weak link here.

So, I'm a little shaky but mainly peaceful about this.

My question is...am I looking at this right? Or am I setting her and us up for failure since NC has only been going on for 4 months and it would just be too big of a temptation for her.