New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[Praying4aMiracle]

Patience! All positive, but even if everything is perfect it will take time for your W to get those feelings back.

How long? Who knows, but another six months to a year seems to be pretty common based upon what I have read.

Fortunately, it appears that you are already doing all of the right stuff, so it really should be only a matter of time.

[toughlover]

Well it almost seems like we resemble the sex-starved marriage camp more than the affair recovery camp at this point. OM seems to be permanently out of the picture with NC for 4 months.

In every other respect our life together with our children is wonderful. I don't see any way it could be better in all those areas.

I DO get the impression she's holding back, but I don't know what...whether it's just general talking and intimacy stuff (this doesn't seem to be a problem unless she's having thoughts/feelings about OM she doesn't want to discuss). Otherwise, we talk a lot and work well together solving problems, mainly with handling the kids and a hectic schedule. I make a decent living and while we don't have piles of disposable cash we do okay as long as we work together on the budgeting, which we do pretty good on as well. Better, in fact, than ever before.

I mean, compared to a lot of the couples we know, we actually seem happier and more content and together than most of our friends do...except for the mutual attraction and emotional closeness part.

[brandnewday]

Let me just add some food for thought....

It takes months for the affair to be truly over in their heads.
4 months n/c in good.
But it takes time.
It is not a contest, don't dwell on it.
She wants to be with YOU.
She is with YOU.
She M/L to you.
She says she loves YOU.
You are so far ahead in this game but you can not see the forest for the trees.
One step at a time, take a deep breath.
Maybe she really needs to feel sure about what she is feeling and right now she is still trying to find her place.
My word of advice to you is to be patient, don't play games, love her and let her set the pace.
Your anxiety about the situation will push her away.
Just be yourself, and let her warm up to things.

[toughlover]

Good food, good thoughts. Will do.

Thanks, I needed that.

[toughlover]

First, I appreciate all the 2x4s wrapped in velvet I've received here. Needed em. Got my head back after a couple days of I don't know what.

Second, new development. A tough one.

Things're moving along alright. W calls me yesterday at work to say that a good friend of hers she used to work with is getting married in two weeks. It's on a Fri at 4pm and is a good 2 hour drive, max, so she'd be leaving around 1pm.

The dilemma is that we've been living in a new city (same state) since July when bomb was dropped. NC between W and OM in that time (4 months). OM lives 70 miles away, smack dab in between our new city and the city where the wedding is.

So, unless we take the kids out of school and drag them with us or arrange for them to be with friends (we could prob do this), she will have to go by herself if she goes. There are two routes she can take to get there. One goes right through the town OM lives in. The other, an interstate, cuts through the same county, but fairly far from OM. Still, if she wanted to meet up w/him, it would be easy for him to meet her along the interstate anywhere.

I don't know how vulnerable she is to this guy, or if she's even tempted to call him. I also know based on his previous behavior that it wouldn't be out of the question if he got word she was going to be at the wedding to go "stake out" the place and see if she showed up alone, then try and contact her. He probably won't find out, as there's no real connection between my W's former place of work and him, but still, you never know.

So, while logically I think I'm in control here, I'm still getting real uneasy about this. But I don't want to blow the progress we've made.

Here's what I did when my wife told me she wanted to go, and suggested the possibilities with the kids, getting my mother to drive down and watch them so we could go together, etc.

I said that I was uncomfortable with her going, to be honest, but I was more uncomfortable with the idea that we would start having to move heaven and earth to make arrangements for the kids every time something made me a little uneasy. It would satisfy me for that incident, but there would be no way to make progress on myself in that area.

I said I hoped that the progress we made was real and that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that, and that I wanted her to go. I'd just stay here, mind the kids, and hope she enjoys the wedding.

I feel pretty good about it, and have decided, after much prayer and giving this to God, that it's the best response for the following reasons:

1. Most opportunity for personal progress for me. Her willingness to arrange things so I can go, or even her willingness to NOT go at all if I'm too uncomfortable (she said she's willing to not go if I ask, are nice but I feel like if I take her up on that, I'm just treading water, whereas doing it my way helps me get over things. If she fails, I still win because I couldn't let her go if I weren't capable of dealing with all possible outcomes...so if she fails, I just continue detaching even though it sets us back to square 0. If she maintains NC during the trip, that will help us as a couple, I'm sure.

2. I'm just not going to live my life in bondage to fear of any kind. Not worth it. Doesn't help me or my kids. Doesn't help my M if it continues to improve. I don't want to be the problem or the weak link here.

So, I'm a little shaky but mainly peaceful about this.

My question is...am I looking at this right? Or am I setting her and us up for failure since NC has only been going on for 4 months and it would just be too big of a temptation for her.

[siren_tears]

TL, It is going to take years and many opportunities for her to prove herself before you are going to develop trust again. Also it isn't your responsibility to build that trust it is hers. Either she is going to have the strength of character to regain your trust or she isn't. That is completely in her hands not yours. The stories that I have come across where the couple successfully survived an affair are the ones where they are both willing to be an open book to each other. She needs to understand that she betrayed your trust and she has to prove herself trustworthy. You cannot give her integrity only she can develop that in herself.

Also I don't know your whole story but it seems to me that your are going way over the edge with gifts and trying to win her affection. You are going to drive her away because you are acting like a desperate man. Step back. Be kind. but meet her half way. You are not going to be able to keep up the pace that you are setting.

It has only been a week. It is going to take many months possibly even years to get back the trust and love that you had before. Let her set the pace for now. Go with the flow. I understand from the things that I have read and seen that this is by far the hardest part of the journey.

All that patience that you have learned about up to this point, this is when you get to really learn how to apply it. I am not trying to put a damper on things but if you don't slow things way down you are going to crash and burn.

We would all really hate to see that.

ST

[toughlover]

siren

You're right, it does take a long time. We've been at this longer than a week, however. 4 months as of next week, to be precise. So far, so good. We're at a stage where we're having fun together again, dating, and other stuff, and the gifts are part of that...and part of some "special activities" we have scheduled on those days. Believe me, I'm not pursuing her out of desperation. She has asked me for it, and I'm happy to oblige...and our MC blesses it as well, so I've got some checks and balances here.

Your concern and sobering thoughts, however, are appreciated. Which is why this short little wedding day trip is such an important test of both my detachment, my ability to trust, and her desire to be trustworthy.

[toughlover]

Well, this is it. We go to MC in about an hour and we've decided that this is going to be our last scheduled MC session. We started in July going weekly, then eased into bi-weekly by the end of August. Went once in Sept, have this one today, and now we've decided not to schedule any more for the near future.

We think we're ready to fly on our own, in God's hands of course.

And, of course, if anything comes up, we can always go back.

But at this point we both feel like we are where we need to be right now, we've got the skills and the plan to make it happen, we have faith in God, and we are starting to trust each other and truly love each other again. Starting to.

That said, we don't want or plan to stay here forever. While we both think we're where we need to be right now, we don't want to stagnate (nobody should). But we are getting more comfortable with each other.

We still have issues to work out. But we are getting so good at recognizing that and working together like we haven't in over 10 years that I can't see this not working as long as we continue to choose to make it work.

And my wife told me she's happy and excited about our future together and with our children. That was even better than hearing her say ILY.

[twist_of_fate]

wow, i'm very glad to hear that it's nice to get there.

Must thank you again for your great post that have made me see more clearly.

[runningoutoftime]

We haven't started any MC yet, but once we do I'd like to go once every 1-3 months just to help ensure communication is going well and neither my husband and I are ignoring concerns or getting sidetracked. I figure it's a lot cheaper than a divorce and worth the time.

I can understand your concern about this wedding. I've had a similar situation with my husband. He is out of town right now and in the same area where OW lives. Even worse he may have to run into her (she works for the same company, but in another state).

To help me feel more comfortable about this my husband has been calling and texting me a lot, and has said he's going to keep in contact with me throughout and he is coming home as quickly as possible.

Interestingly, the thing that's helping me most with all of this is pulling myself (my ego, my pain) out of this whole thing and trusting him to make the best decision for himself. I believe being with me and the kids is the best thing and I believe he'd be happiest with us, but I have to trust him to make whatever decisions are best for himself (whatever they may be!).

Another thing, the affair did cost him a lot emotionally. I don't think he'd want to go through that again anytime soon. Of course, there are no guarentees, but I can't live my life worrying about every little thing. He could always have an affair at any time with anyone, I don't want to be his parole officer.