Thanks, y'all. Yes, Alimari, I am overwhelmed by it.

This has really messed me up in a way I never expected it to.

Some of you know I struggled with detachment early on, finally made it to that "detached, quiet place" where I could love her out of my strength and participate in things without too much expectation at all. That along with my relationship with God brought much peace and quiet to my heart and mind.

I know this is irrational and stupid, but I can't seem to get back to that detached space in my mind. Every time she tells me she loves me (did it on the phone a little while ago) everything spins and I wonder if she means all the feelings are back as well as the commitment, if she says that but it still means the "I love you but am not in love with you" garbage, if she's just saying it for other manipulative reasons.

I'm afraid to say anything about it or talk with her now because if she is truly sincere then I'll just ruin it by questioning her.

However, taking her at her word, not to mention just believing she could care about me that much, this soon, after all that's gone on, fries my brain. Yes, I'm very analytical about everything. Just how my brain works.

I guess I really don't trust her, and maybe that's my problem alone now. I can't believe she's not just biding her time until, wham, I get hit with another brick one day.

We've got our monthly MC appt. a week from today. Man I hope this week goes by fast...and uneventful.

How do I keep my cool and not blow this? I just didn't expect to be here now.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'