Well - that is certainly growth. I note especially the "several" times a week. Just because he doesn't show his "passion" may not necessarily indicate that he doesn't feel it. Kinda the way that some people groan loudly during sex and others barely make a peep. Kinda like the way some people prefer a quiet wedding and others a loud celebration. Just assume that he does actually feel passion and not just responsibility.
Thanks Karen, it does help to focus on the positives. The thing is, I am not really feeling red hot passion either. It's like I am detaching from this whole issue.
I think I may have been projecting my passion issue onto my H. It bothers me that I get LD when we have a consistent sex life. I believe I need an element of insecurity to get my libido going, that this love and commmitment stuff doesn't do it for me. I want to change this. I am being receptive and open to my H's initiations, and I have been more connected, as has he, but this doesn't give me those passionate feelings I want. But I am thinking this is health and I will be patient and work on it.
For me, passion is sometimes situational, sometimes hormonal, sometimes a choice.
Choosing to be passionate can result in some really hot playful sex, even if it was initially contrived.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOPkins... I feel that something is very wrong with me. As my marriage improves, my sexual feelings go down. I am now wondering how much of our marital problems were my fault; my desire for sex pretty much went down right after we married, but I put the blame on H for not being open or sexy enough. He wasn't confident and I was rejecting. His disconnection led to my HDness, and now that we're getting back on track, I remember how I felt years and years ago. I think something is seriously wrong with my sexuality; the tingles get activated by insecurity instead of love.
There is a book that addresses this very issue. Sexuality can be tied to lots of things - danger, insecurity... I believe the book that addressed this is called - the Erotic Mind (Jack Morin) - a very, very interesting read. Journey - don't be discouraged, no one's sexuality is a pure interaction, there are lots of odd things that get tied into it. One of my first serious boyfriends drank Pepsi, smoked cigarettes and obsessively used breath fresheners - I have a really odd reaction to a kiss that involves the mint/Pepsi combo. H has sometimes unwittingly had this combo. H uses a particular soap and has his own smell - I am often turned on to him merely by his smell. I have also noticed that I am often indecently turned on to him in situations where there is absolutely no possibility in sex - church, business dinners, places like that. My point? Insecurity is no doubt ONE thing that turns you on for some reason - I'll bet there are others. Also, you can create conditions of "insecurity" sometimes just for fun - what about some sexy role plays that involve something like that? You could actually play with the idea - what if you pretended that H was packing his suitcase to leave you and you are trying to seduce him into staying? See what I mean? Check out the book - VERY interesting stuff.
Another good one is Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Bader.
It is interesting to think of the non-sexual things that, if not actually turning us on, at least turn our minds in the direction of sex. When I was married the first time, I invariably started feeling frisky when we would pull up to the grocery store. I think it had something to do with the fact that we were soooo broke (I was a graduate teaching assistant, he worked in a body shop, AND we had a 60-mile motor newspaper route every day-- total combined take-home pay was about $300/month-- this was 1971)... anyway, we were so broke that when we went to the grocery store, we gave ourselves permission to be a bit looser in the financial department. It was a mutual caretaking, giving, nurturing, nesting thing-- or something like that. It created a fun, affectionate, playful, relaxed vibe between us, that I interpreted as arousal.
That rather old book "Nice Girls Do" that was so ground-breaking when it came out would be worth dusting off for some insight into this sitch, IHJ. It addresses how early events in life-- as early as in the crib-- and specifically NON-SEXUAL things-- can prime us for certain turn-ons.
And then there's one of my favs: "Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy."
Quote: ------------------------------- I feel that something is very wrong with me. -------------------------------
I don't think so. I think that you have just progressed to the next mile marker in your journey. Now you face a new set of challenges.
It is a process IHJ. MrsNOP and I didn't reach nirvana in a day, or a week or a year. We still work on our relationship daily.
Don't discount all you have conquered just because a new challenge arises. I think you have come a tremendous distance, just like me and MrsNOP.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thank you guys for the suggestions and for validating the healthy part of me. A few days ago I posted here that I am detaching from this issue, but now I am not...I am going to continue on with patience and hopefully growth. I am not going to make any waves in the current pattern, which feels healthy and healing, even if it's not producing passionate feelings. I will somehow figure out the passion part, but I am going with the flow for now. This is the first time in our marriage that we have had a steady sex life without major issues and tension. There is also so much less fighting in general here; I feel burned out from drama have little tolerance for it.
I see changes in my H...he has gone from being this pushed around guy going through the motions of life but feeling resentful, both at home at work, to becoming more animated from within and taking charge. The healthy part of me has always wanted this, so I have to monitor myself to make sure I am encouraging, rather than sabotaging this, because of my own need to compete and be in control.
D14 is going through midterms in school and actually prepared for it, instead of having a cavalier attitude. S12 actually asked for my help ( with no suggestion from me)in reorganizing his binders. I feel I am focusing better on them as well.
Getting back on track and concentrating on positives... thank you all so very much.
