Today is my 20th anniversary! I was going to start a new thread, but since I tend to get overly sentimental and optimistic, I thought it best to stay grounded in the "Acceptance" thread. I came to SSM after a re-awakening of my sex drive, only to discover that not only was my H not excited by my discovery, he was downright rejecting. I had a lot of exuberance and was hurt by my H's reaction; I then began to understand the extent of emotional distance between us, a distance that couldn't be bridged by my newfound sensuality.

It's hard to summarize 20 yrs of marital dysfunction; I've tried hard to figure out the dynamics that led us here, but the main thing is that we were both at fault, and we both had a lot of learning to do. Suffice to say we had major issues communicating with one another ( his defensiveness, my shutting off), immaturity, poor role models, lack of boundaries, and too high expectations, leading to disappointment.

I found my sensuality first, and then saw that I became the Parent figure and my H the rebellious teen. I was in full working/mommy mode, and although H did his adult part as well, he was distant and sullen at home, while in the outside world projected the image of fun and success. I wasn't happy in the marriage and couldn't tolerate it any longer.

I found it frustrating that I couldn't find validation in my new sensuality. I wanted to explore this part of myself, and the lesson I learned over and over again is that I wanted to do this with my H. I realized I did love him, didn't want to lose him, and went to bat for my marriage. I bought books, made it here to SSM, got a MC, went on date nights...and the rest is chronicled here. There was a time that I seriously considered leaving, but along the way, H had the epiphany that he didn't want to lose me either, and began to reconnect.

We're at a good place now...I feel older, wiser, and truthfully, a little drained from it all. I think I was hoping for a second honeymoon feeling, but it's really not like that. But I'm getting to acceptance. And in time I hope we'll grow further. We have moments of recapturing what was lost, we have a man/woman thing going on, and I am so happy we are on the journey together now. I forsee a lot of stress up the road and hope we can walk the walk of that difficult path, remembering to have fun along the way. I have also learned to stay true to myself, to set my boundaries in place, and continue developing as an individual.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing this ride with me...I so appreciate being here. And happy holidays!

H and I celebrated last night by taking a limo to see a show in NYC, and he left this morning saying tonight will be even better!