I can't remember if your H was on any anti-depressants or anything but Nop's analysis of those or drugs like neurontnin is right on the $$. My friend's H was taking a cocktail of anti-depressants, pain killers and muscle relaxants due to back issues and "oing" was a huge issue. It got where he really couldn't o without a whole lot of extra friction, extra visual stimuli, lots of position changes and that type of thing. She had a hard time with it because she felt a little prostitute-ish but I'm sure you can handle the challenge. You just need to be sure you take care of your own anxieties about it so that doesn't create a weird vibe.
Hang in there. If it isn't one thing it is another.
Ditto on the a-d's. The popular idea is that the SSRI's inhibit desire. That was not my experience (nor the experienced of a therapist girlfriend of mine). When I was on paxil, I felt plenty of desire; I just could not O. A friend who was on zoloft confirmed the same effect on her. She said it's like you just keep climbing that mountain but you never get there. Supposedly Wellbutrin does not have this effect but all of the SSRI's do. Is he on a-d's?
The only med he's on is Lipitor, so we're back to psych-land ( seems I can never leave this place).
Lil, I had the same experience with you on the SSRI's...it was enough for me to discontinue them. Wellbutrin caused my O's to intensify. I don't feel it helped for depression, though. No magic pill out there for me. H, too, is not big on medication. He tried an SSRI once for a few days...made him even that much more detached. He tried Wellbutrin for a week...completely lost his appetite, which for him is bad ( he's thin to begin with).
The C has been the best thing for him, and this BB has been great for me. I am home now with a baaaad ankle and really appreciate this site, except for the fac that I have now become computer addicted!
Quote: He tried an SSRI once for a few days...made him even that much more detached.
I tried zoloft for a while and it made me feel like a blank sheet of paper. While I was on paxil after my H died, I remember saying to my therapist that I couldn't imagine ever falling in love while on this drug because I couldn't seem to feel strongly about anything.
Quote: I tried zoloft for a while and it made me feel like a blank sheet of paper.
yeah, good description. I was only on it for a few months, and during that time, I didn't give a crap about anything. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be any more of a couch-potatoe than I am in my "normal" state...I was wrong. this was a whole new level of spud-dome. Its hard to draw too many conclusions on the sexual side effects, as during this time, we were having so little... It didn't "eliminate" desire, but it did knock it back a good deal. like I said, I just didn't give a crap. When we DID do it, it slowed me down a bit at first...which is actually a good thing. But then it seemed to progress quickly to full-blown ED. anyway, I decided that it was not doing me any good, and got off of it.
Welbutrin doesn't work the same way. it does tend to quell any kind of compulsive behavior..."nervous habit" kind of thing. so people who eat when they're stressed tend to lose weight. When they were testing this stuff, they found that many testers who smoked just spontaneously stopped. its really a "side effect". and for some people, smoking is more of a nervous habit than an addiction...or at least, thats a big portion of it. anyhoo... I don't know how anyone can stand those ssri's. their lives must be seriously fouled up for them to accept those side effects and still feel that they have a net gain from these drugs.
Quote: I don't know how anyone can stand those ssri's.
I agree but I do know that they help a lot of people. I'm still waiting for the magic pill!
You know, I am beginning to see that my quest right now isn't about accepting H ( which is what this thread is about), or even H accepting me ( which I remarked upon previously)...it's more about self acceptance. More on that later....
I've been thinking that I have been too focused on positive validation. I've self validated when I've had to, I've done 180's to receive more validation, set boundaries on bad behavior, and I've given H validation. All of this creates, eventually, the feel-good stuff of relationships--when mutual positive validation is high, it's like new love, and it feels great. It why we say " love is blind " during the infatuation stage...we only see the positives, we and we deny the negatives.
I think I have been trying too hard, at this point, to increase the positivity. Maybe I have to learn how to deal better with the negativity, not just try to erase it or problem-solve it away, because the yuck stuff is inevitable.
Problems will always arise. I want to improve upon my "positive negative validation," meaning, embracing/accepting of bad qualities within myself and within H. Just like regular positive validation, this would involve better accepting my own negative stuff ( self pnv), hoping to receive my H's pnv ( his acceptance of my negative stuff), as well as my giving pnv (by trying to accept/embrace my H's negative traits).
The old song my dad used to sing: Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Don't mess with Mr. In Between,
now becomes:
Validate the positive, Validate the negative, Mess with Mr. In Between,
or simply put, enjoy/embrace the the messiness of life!
Quote: "Irwin Kula shows us how to to live our humanness -- the pleasures and the challenges, the messiness and the triumphs -- with a profound acceptance of our desires and foibles and a joy that can only come from understanding." --Deepak Chopra
"Yearning. After twenty-three years as a rabbi, I can think of no more defining human experience."
Life can be messy and imperfect. We’re all looking for answers. And yet, as renowned rabbi Irwin Kula points out, the yearning for answers is no different now than it was in the times that gave rise to Moses, Buddha, and Jesus. Far from being a burden, however, these yearnings can themselves become a path to blessing, prompting questions and insights, resulting in new ways of being and believing. In this, his first book, Rabbi Kula takes us on an excursion into the depths of our desires, applying ancient Jewish tradition to seven of our most wonderful yearnings. Merging ancient wisdom with contemporary insights, Rabbi Kula shows how traditional practices can inform and enrich our own search for meaning. More importantly, he invites us to embrace the messiness and complexities of the human experience in order to fully embrace the endless and glorious project of life.
It's true that we can place too high an importance on positive validation from outside of ourselves. We actually become miserable without it and even think we cannot live without it. In the Schnarch interview I referred to on another thread, he talks about "using sex to feel good about yourself." I believe that is what I have always done. Sex hasn't been about expressing affection and "giving," as much as it has been about proving to me and to others that I'm desirable and okay. Sex has been all about validation of me as normal, attractive, skilled in bed, etc.
anyway, I decided that it was not doing me any good, and got off of it.
Great minds, eh?