Last nite H and I were going to sleep and I was bummed bc he didn't initiate anything ( but was staying neutral, or so I thought). He picked up on something and asked me what was wrong, and I fessed up that I was hoping to ML. He then said that if I am interested I should initiate, that he doesn't have to be the only one.
Huh??? I was playing by his rules, what makes him feel comfortable.
So we had a discussion about frequency and both agreed that 2-3x a week was best, but then he added that anytime (!) I want something more, I should just let him know.
Sounds downright flexible to me...maybe he is loosening some of the control.
We went on to have some blandish type sex, which is really not the point ( got that, self)? I felt really happy about the communication and the possibility of more give n take here.
Quote: So over the weekend I took one of Mojo's suggestions to Lil and pretended to myself that I was a hooker ( but not the jolly type...instead I was the poor girl who had to earn a living this way) and revved up my passionate side, and it was omg fun! I remembered not to stay in fantasy and connect to H as a real person. I have decided there's nothing wrong with a little mind play as long as it's not blocking out relationship problems too much.
LOL. Leave it to a Type 4 to drag my jolly hooker down into the abyss. Interestingly, I tried to cater a bit more to Type 4 style eroticism in my last encounter and my H was rather appreciative though it did leave him with a serious nipple hickey-LOL.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, it could have been worse...my hooker could have been tied up in chains and forced to deletedeletedelete, lol.
You know, there really is something to this enneagram stuff; when my type 4 imagination is interpreted by my H as type 3 admiring validation a nice spark is created.
Quote: You know, there really is something to this enneagram stuff; when my type 4 imagination is interpreted by my H as type 3 admiring validation a nice spark is created.
Well, as I have said in the past, my Type 7 on his Type 4 means that when we do have sex it is usually pretty hot. The problem (besides the fact that he is totally un-f*cking-reliable as a lover) is that I feel like when I try to "spice" things up I am limited to the few "dark" spices a Type 4 might like. I can't try to make the sex more "sweet" or "saucy" or "organic" or "melt in your mouthy" or etc. etc. or it's not to his taste and Type 7 me likes the variety pack.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm not sure why this is the case but I usually end up with reliable bland sex and you end up with unpredictable hot sex. I'd say let's work together and figure this out, but I think we'd both end up with unpredictable bland sex ( spoken like a true 4).
H doesn't O both times...... is something wrong? IHJ, I am on the other end of this problem. Not that I have PE or shoot too fast but have never not had an "O" except fore one time just before my back surgery. Everything hurt too much that time.
Will your H tell you what feels better/not as good when doing different things. More importantly, would you ask him?
If I were in his situation, BB asking me what is wrong would not be the way to go. Asking if "A" was better than "B" might work or asking what was more exciting during a time when he did "O".
The thing that concerns me is how does he feel without an "O"? There are his feelings about himself and his feelings about how you feel or what you think of him.
If he is OK for himself, then not much to worry about in the short term but if he feels like he has to "O" for you or has to "O" to look good, then be there to reassure him he is taking care of your needs and you want to do "AS MUCH" as you can for him.
This doesn't mean fixing him. It is more along the lines of moral support and some physical helps he might make himself available to.
I can imagine being in your H's shoes and thinking it still feels good having sex. Having an erection feels good. What I call slipping and sliding in the warm box (vagina) feels good. Touching the female body of someone who I love and have an intimate connection with feels good. Making out feels good.
I better quit.
The other avenue is, what would a urology appointment uncover? I don't know if something is wrong. Does this happen often. Is this something new?
If there isn't a medical reason, then one of the following may be the issue (assuming there is NOT an erection problem).
- He masturbated beforehand.
- He needs more friction. In that case, you can finish him off by hand. If you want to be super sexy doing that, you can use your own fluids for what lubrication you need. The sight of that alone will probably do him in :-).
- He is doing some psychoactive meds that interfere with his ejaculation. Neurontin and other similar anti-siezure drugs can do this. So can some off-the-shelf drugs, primarily cold and flu remedies.
- It just happened for unknown reasons. I have had it happen a few times to me. After 20+ minutes, most women begin to get a bit sore, so I normally limit actual intercourse to 20 minutes or less (I can normally orgasm when I decide to). Let him know that it is okay for him to stop before he gets frustrated.
I wouldn't worry about it unless it becomes chronic.
All the best,
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Lou and NOP... Thank you for your replies. Seems one issue is solved only for another to appear. Well, such is my life. H has been connected and loving and I am thankful for that. He does seem stressed out, though. He is not one to really be in touch with his emotions...tends to suck things up...so I often don't know what's really going on for him.
I am not going to have a discussion about the lack of O'ing ( it's been an on/off thing in the last few weeks). This weekend concerned me because it was twice in a row. I will continue to keep loving ( and hopefully exciting) experiences going.
My personal feeling is that it does bother him ( I don't think this is projection on my part). That's why he went for seconds on Sun morning. I know he would say he is getting a lot from feeling close and intimate with me, but from the past, I know that O'ing is impt to him. We tried the PBTS exercises ( where O'ing is actually discouraged so that "bonding" can occur) and that ended up becoming a rather short lived activity.
Knowing something of my H's oppositional nature, I should tell him I don't want him O'ing...that would do the trick! Maybe something more over the top on my part would work too...I do tend to be reserved even though my mind kind of works overtime.
I don't think anything medically related is going on...my guess is that it's a psych thing, as usual.
