Maybe I wasn't being very clear but I think we’re saying the same thing. IHJ can stop reacting in a controlling way (mothering, rescuing) regardless of what her H does (whether he becomes more or less mature and confident), just as everyone keeps telling me to do. Actually, I do think there could be causality between her stopping her reactivity, prompting/forcing/encouraging/allowing him to acceptance of his responsibilities, though I don’t know how you would prove that. The mix is changing. I personally don’t think it is coincidence, but that’s JMO.
