Gosh, it seems like a long time since I posted on my own thread. I've been so busy lately, and things are going so well on the home front that I just haven't gotten around to it.
Re: the "anniversary," it was pretty much a non-event. I did bring it up. As expected, H would have never thought about the significance of that day. He just "wants to forget it ever happened." We did talk a little. There were a few things that were troubling me re the EA. So, we did talk a little about that, and now I can put that episode to rest. The only time it will ever be mentioned again will be in counseling.
Speaking of counseling, the C thinks my H may be bipolar (mild form), which would account for his distorted thought processes. He referred H to a psychiatrist for more evaluation and medication. H went there today. The doctor started him on Wellbutrin -- said he needs to see him a few more times before he can accurately diagnosis him, but did say H definiately has ADD! Now, THAT explains a lot of things (he can't ever sit still and he's always interrupting people).
My healing has been rather miraculous, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm not completely out of the woods, yet, but the progress I've made in the past 2 months compared to the entire preceeding 10 months is amazing.
I think it's partly due to the fact that my H is finally "coming home," so to speak. The awful fog of confusion that he has lived in for the past 2 years has lifted and he is make headway in his own healing process. He is so much more available to me now. He is totally committed to me and our M. I know he is still afraid of the future, still afraid that I will come to my senses and throw him out, but I see that fear lessen each day. He still says that HE will never get over what he's done, and I imagine that is probably true to a certain extent. But, in reality, he is getting over it. I can see it even if he can't. Of course, I don't know what he's feeling inside, but his actions are so completely different now than they were two months ago. Yes, I think he's really starting to get a grip on things (and hopefully the medication and the C'ing will help also).
I think it's also partly due to the fact that after discovering the EA I KNEW I could let him go if I had to. I think he understood that, also. I think that scared the hell out of him.
An interesting thing happened the other day. We were in the car heading to our S's football game. My GF called and wanted to know where we were -- they were already at the game waiting for us. Later I told my H I had been tempted to tell GF that we were seeing our divorce lawyer just to get a reaction out of her (she's the one GF who knows of our sitch). I laughed. I thought it would have been funny. Then I asked H if he'd ever really thought about divorcing me. Well, you should've seen the look on his face! His reply was, "Absolutely not. I couldn't stand the thought of divorce. It was never an option for me."
So I asked him, "Well, then how did you expect to be free of me in order to have a future with **** (the EA)? Were you planning to knock me off?" (LOL). He said, "That's why it's all so stupid and embarassing. I don't have a clue what I was thinking." And, you know what, I think I'm beginning to believe that. It was all borne out of distorted thinking patterns from whatever mood disorder they finally decide to tag him with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not totally letting him off the hook. After all, he did still have reasoning powers to discern between right and wrong, but from what I've read about these mood disorders his thinking process may have been really inappropriate.
So, that's where things are at this point in time. I've made leaps and bounds in my healing process. My H is just beginning his, but at least he's finally beginning it!! We are closer and more affectionate with each other than we have been in many years. I think we are more in the process of rebuilding than piecing. I'm feeling in-love again. I'm seeing the signs of my H being "in-love" with me again. There was a time, just a very short while ago, when I never thought I'd be saying these things.
A friend (who doesn't know my sitch) said to me the other day, "The harder the fall, the higher the bounce back up." Something for us all to keep in mind.
