This is my first time posting, although I've been at this site for a couple of months now.n My H of 18 years told me 3 months ago that he had an affair which ended 3 months prior to that. He said he told me because he felt such guilt, remorse, shame, and that he felt if he told me he would never do it again. We started seeing a great therapist 4 days later. The therapist told him to tell me everything I wanted to know because if I found out something he had withheld from me, the we would be starting over from ground zero on the trust issue. A couple of days later he told me he had an affair much earlier in our marrige, about 13-14 years ago - not emotional, just physical. The latest one was both emotional and physical. He says he felt I didn't love me. He felt alone, unwanted, etc. I have to admit that was proably the case for the last few years. However, at the time he started this recent affair we had started a real reconnection in our marriage. I won't go in to all the details, but it was really wonderful. Then to find out that during this time he was having a relationship with the OW was totally devastating. The OW apparently said all the right things that made him feel like a man! Wow, what was I doing and saying? At that very time he told me I had saved his life and that he had fallen in love with me all over again. How do I ever believe anything he says again? There is no question that he wants our M to work. There is no question that he feels horrible about what he's done. What finally brought everything to a head was that he was getting up every morning throwing up and then having severe headaches. I asked him what was wrong, he finally told me. Said he knew for 2 months he had to tell me, and that every day he felt was his last day to be with me, to live in our house, etc. Anyway, the story is very long and complicated. There is no question in my mind that I want to stay with him. The question is, how can I? The depth of hurt and pain and betrayal is incredible. So deep that the anger can only surface occasionally. I never, ever, ever thought he would do this to me. Truely. I trusted him so much. Now, I wonder, can I respect myself for trying to work on staying together when H has hurt me so deeply? Can I truely ever trust him again? Can I respect him? He does all the right things, and did right from the beginning before seeing the counselor or reading Divorce Remedy: keeps me informed of his whereabouts, going to therapist, tells me he loves me, asks my forgiveness, says he doesn't want to lose me, spends all his time with me. I can see the hurt, humiliation, shame, love, need, and want in his eyes. It's just so hard to stop obsessing about the details of the affair. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do. He told me everything, answered all my questions. He gave up all the information I wanted on the OW. That was one thing I couldn't stand, the OW knowing things about me and me not knowing her. He told me everything: phone numbers, where she works, lives, what she looks like!! Apparently he didn't tell her much about me. That's good, I think. I felt like he was trying to protect me from her, but he wasn't protecting her from me. I called her three times, just left messages. I wanted her to know that he wasn't protecting her. He had already told her to leave him alone and not call him anymore. <p>Sorry. I know I'm rambling. It's taken me awhile to get the courage to write this, and now that I've started I can't stop. It is a very long story. I have no doubt that my marriage can survive, but I need help to stop obsessing. Thanks
Yes. You needed to stop obsessing. Didn’t we all? Don’t we all?
