Well, today is THE day. The bomb was dropped on me at 11:20 p.m. one year ago tonight. Ironically, I just spent 1/2 hour making reservations to spend a week in the beach town where my H's "friend" lives. Couldn't help it. It's tradition to spend spring break at that location with all our family and friends and their friends.
So far I haven't said a word about the "anniversary." I know my H certainly won't. First of all, he won't remember. Second, it's the LAST thing he'd want to bring up!! I'm not really sure yet if I'm going to mention it. Things have going so well that I'd hate to bring up all that garbage again with my H. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get it out of my head.
This past year has been a nightmare that I'm just beginning to awaken from. The things my H said and did during that time -- and the year before that -- I never thought him capable of. It's hard to imagine such a short phrase, "I've been unfaithful to you," could have the power to change lives forever. No matter how good it gets between my H and I in the future, the potential for greatness is lost. That still makes me very sad -- and sometimes angry.
So, okay, the good news is that it's been a year since the bomb and we are making it. We're still together after all the horrible things that have been said and done. But, not JUST together. We're rebuilding a much better, much more solid R than the old one. My H is getting the help he needs to understand what happened to him. We are getting taking care of each other so much better these days. We are starting to feel bits and pieces of that elusive "peace" we've both been looking for.
Come to think about it, I'm wondering if maybe my H does remember the significance of this date, or at least around this time of year. I have noticed for the last 3-4 days he's been especially loving towards me and has wanted me close by all the time. Maybe it's in his subconscious.
I thought today would be a day of turmoil for me. It's not (so far ). I'm reflecting on the fact that we must really and truely love each other very much in order to have been able to survive this catastrophy. My H still has a long way to go. He still struggles with humiliation and self-hatred. I think there's a part of him that can't believe I'd stay with him after all he's done. I think he's still a little afraid. Well, actually, he did say the other day that he was afraid of me. I asked him why. He said he wasn't sure why. I suspect he's still afraid I'll leave him.
We spent an hour with my mom on Saturday morning. That was really hard for H to do. He loves my parents almost as much as he loves his own. My mom handled herself well. She told him how angry she had been in the beginning, but she's had a couple of months to cool off. She told him she expected to see a monster walk through the door that morning and, yet, it was only her beloved SIL. He didn't LOOK any different. She told him she would support me (Mattie) in any decision I made. My H appologized to her several times. Told her it was never going to happen again; that he was going to continue in counseling to try to figure out why he did those things. When we left, they hugged.
I spoke to my mom the next day. She thought he seemed really humbled and, indeed, very sorry for the pain he's caused so many people.
She also told my H that she felt he had gotten off too easy; that I should've kicked him out and made him earn his way back home. I've wondered about that myself sometimes -- especially after the second bomb this past summer. I asked my H what he thought about that. He said that, of course, he was happy that I hadn't kicked him out, but he also wonders if it wouldn't have been a good idea -- but, for me, for my sense of pride or whatever. He wasn't even sure how to put it. He wonders if somewhere down the road I'll resent the fact that I didn't make it harder on him. Interesting, huh? I've wondered that myself sometimes. Oh, well. Too late for that. I did what I thought was right for my family at the time. And, by the way, I did tell him to leave that day -- many times. He stayed.
I'll keep you posted on how the day ultimately turns out.
). I'm reflecting on the fact that we must really and truely love each other very much in order to have been able to survive this catastrophy. My H still has a long way to go. He still struggles with humiliation and self-hatred. I think there's a part of him that can't believe I'd stay with him after all he's done. I think he's still a little afraid. Well, actually, he did say the other day that he was afraid of me. I asked him why. He said he wasn't sure why. I suspect he's still afraid I'll leave him. 
