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#824486 10/18/06 05:48 PM
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Wow, it's been a while since I've posted - almost 2 months. My old thread is locked or something. Sorry for the length on this one, but catchup is hell...

I would have to say things have gone quite badly for our M since I last posted (so much for PMA). It looks like I last posted right after our first MC session. We've had 6 sessions total, with one being individual (the one before today). W seemed to have been distancing herself more and more over this time, at about the same rate as before MC. We were talking in MC about just improving our relationship, but not the marriage. I think the marriage is a foregone conclusion in W's mind. I have to say I was probably reacting to W's distancing by doing my own. But, in the last week or two, we've been chatting more. According to W it's been almost entirely about the kids, but we've actually been chatting the same there, and more in other areas. We've also been letting down our guard with each other. But, while this goes toward improving our relationship, none of this seems to have been helping with the marriage, as W brought up the idea of separation in MC today. Having a hard time dealing with that fact, hence posting here. I've kind of shied away from posting here lately for a number of reasons - I'm not entirely sure of them, myself. I haven't necessarily stayed "bought in" to the whole DB concept, but I have been keeping up what are otherwise DB actions - hooking up with friends, going to the gym, getting back into hobbies. While I know doing these things are supposed to be for me, there is always this underlying reason that they should have an impact on the situation... and they just haven't seemed to have done so.

In MC we discussed how we've come to somewhat of a silent agreement that we will be together indefinitely with this status quo, but that this is very detrimental to our girls. (The MC pointed out the silent agreement part - I don't accept that it exists, as I do know I can't live like this foerver.) W brought up that we should start talking separation. I asked "where would you go?" She tried to tell me it would be me that goes somewhere. She can kiss my lily white a$$ if she thinks I'm leaving my home because of all this. I noticed the other day she hadn't been wearing her wedding ring, so I asked how long she'd not been wearing it - she says since July. It's possible, but I don't think it's been that long. It's been long enough, though. These things truly lead me to believe she's beyond simply having given up - she's ready to leave. I'm not.

As the session was ending, the MC asked us both a question. W answered. I couldn't - I said "I'm incredibly angry and frustrated right now, so much that I can't think straight, and I can't answer that question." I don't even remember what it was. W suggested I stay for a few minutes and talk to the MC alone. MC went to see if her next appointment was there, leaving W and me alone. I couldn't stand the silence and said "I don't like where we are and I can't accept where this is leading." We had a few okay words, but very quickly got into upset words, and W brought up a point she'd brought up in an earlier session. When she left for the long trip with the girls back in May (where she met up with OM, btw), I snuck a card into her carryon bag. It was a card I found at the airport shop and it said something about how I'd fight for her/us. Her point is that I gave her that card, it gave her some hope, nothing happens for months, and the next thing that happens is I blow up at her on 4th of July. She doesn't think I fought for her at all. I argue that I have no idea what she expects as fighting, and that I was fighting by trying to improve myself etc etc. That's what I said last time. But, today, I said I don't know how the hell to fight this - she says I've had months to figure it out. I really don't know what she expects. Like someone on here once said (and I said in MC when it came up before), I'll go kick OM's a$$ if that's what you want. I think she's just using this as a justification and excuse. She doesn't see or acknowledge any of the improvements I've made, or blows them off with (as she said right before leaving MC today) "You still just don't get it." If I don't get it, the f'ing explain it to me.

I know there are many of you out there with a true WAS, who has already left, and you're still working on it. But, I know my W enough that once she gives up and literally walks away, she's done. She doesn't turn back. I'm even worried that she'll do the same to our girls, some day.

I've been going to IC every other week, because it's getting hard to afford (she's helping me find someone on my insurance). I just went on Monday, but I called an "emergency" session for later today. I have half a feeling she's going to help me accept it's over. I'm not ready for that.

This comes on the eve of one of our daughters going into surgery (minor surgery, but surgery all the same). I have no support from my wife. I don't get the impression she'll accept support from me... but, she has it elsewhere. I want to just hold her hand in the waiting room, and tell her it will be okay, but really telling myself it will be okay. I may just try.


My sitch - RC

"You met me at a very strange point in my life."
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Hey RC ! Good to hear from you but sorry that things have not improved with your sitch. I had wondered how things were for you the last six weeks or so.

Tom

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Quote:

...She doesn't think I fought for her at all...




A warning, my experience with this was a double edge sword:

I didn't fight -> so I'm not 'into' her' (even though she asked for space and time)

I fight -> I am accused of being 'controlling' and 'manipulative'. (even though I tried to 'win' her back)

Watch yourself. Whatever is 'good' is discounted, whatever is 'bad' is exaggerated.

Keep up the good, always, the PMA and GAL.

From what I've read over the years, be supportive of any decision she makes, be a true friend and listen. Don't try and 'fix' what's wrong, it's not you.

God bless.


Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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