Hi, Pat. You're sounding great!! Sounds like Florida was wonderful. I'm so happy to hear that things are continuing to go well with you and your H. You are both still in my prayers, also. I will never let up on praying for all of the wonderful people here who have helped me through the worst year of my life.
Speaking of which, on October 1st (very late into the evening and into Oct. 2nd) it will be one year since the bomb. I'm not sure how to handle it -- if, in fact, it needs to be handled. Do I just let it go and not say anything? I was thinking about asking H to stay home that day and do something special together. I'd like to try to overlay that date with something positive. I know my H won't remember the significance of that day, and he'd probably just as soon forget it. But I'm not inclined to do so. Like I said, I'd like to spend the day making happy memories to try to overlay the painful ones that are associated with that date. I've haven't mentioned it to H yet. I'm still trying to decide what to do.
Things here have been remarkably good lately. It seems like the more I DON"T do anything, the more my H DOES!!
Example: I love to dance. H doesn't -- says it's because he doesn't know how. I've mentioned we could take lessons. No, he didn't want to. The other night after he C session H said, "Hey, I see there's a new place down the street that gives dancing lessons. Maybe we should look into it." Huh? Did I hear you correctly? I just said, "Yeah, that would be fun." Didn't expect he really meant it. Yesterday he mentioned the place again, said when we drove by it Friday night it looked closed. I told him maybe at 10 p.m. on Friday night the people who would be taking lessons were out putting what they learned into practice. Then he mentioned it again on Saturday. Wow, after 20+ years of trying to get him to at least try to learn to dance he's mentioned it 3 times in a matter of days.
I know that probably doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but if you only knew how much he really hasn't wanted to do this in the past then you'd realize what a big deal this is to me!!
And, you know what, all the little things that I've been complaining about not being there are starting to come back slowly. Like, he'll walk up to me and give me a quick kiss for no reason. Very natural -- not premeditated. He's starting to "play" again. While watching our favorite college football team on t.v. yesterday, he started throwing little things at me and making faces at me. He was just trying to get my attention and have a little fun trying to annoy me. It WAS fun. It was my REAL H shining through. Boy, have I missed that man.
So for now things seem to be continuing to get better. Since he sent the email to the EA last week I've found myself to be very much at peace. Maybe some will say it's because I was controlling and I WON that battle, but I don't think so. Over the last year if I've learned anything at all it's that I MUST listen to that little voice inside of me when it speaks. When I chose to ignore that voice is when things started to go wrong. I have reflected back over the past year and each time I felt really aggitated, angry, resentful, etc., I realize I was not listening to what was being said inside me. I was being told what to do, and I was choosing to not listen. When I did what I was supposed to do, what I was told to do, I felt at peace. And, of course, there was a reason for that. I was being given step-by-step instructions on how to save my M and my H. I was not to deviate from the plan by trying to foster my own wishes and desires.
