I also read what Lisa wrote about her feelings now. I feel the very same way. I've been saying it for a long time. Yes, I love my H, but it will never be the same. That is a great loss of both of us.
Last night at C session, the C gave my H a "depression quesntionaire." A score of 16 or above indicates depression. My H scored a 43!!! The C was very concerned, to put it mildly. However, he says he wants to wait a couple more weeks before sending him to a psychiatrist for medication. I don't know why the wait. H doesn't think to ask those questions!!
The C did give H the name of a couple books re depression that he wants him to read between sessions. H asked me to pick them up for him today.
Apparently they talked a little about his other "relationships." The C said he sees a pattern of unfulfillment in these relationships. Meaning, my H picked (probably unconsciously) women who could not possibly fulfill whatever it was that he was searching for. All they did was create more guilt and deepen his depression as he lost more and more of his integrity and self-respect. The C wants to explore what it was the my H was looking for and why he felt he'd find it outside of his M. Both my H and I would like to know that also.
Looking back now, my H feels he's been depressed -- to some extent -- for a very long time. About 5 years ago he was diagnosed with depression and put on medication for a while. This was due to a work-related incident. He didn't get much counseling at that time and as soon as he started feeling better he stopped the medication. He realizes now that he probably stopped too soon because ever since then he's felt he hasn't had much to look forward to in life. Nothing really excited him. I made the statement that maybe that was why he had the PA and the EA, because at least for a few moments here and there he had something to look forward to, something to "excite him."
At first he said that, yes, maybe that could be one answer. However, as he thought about it he wasn't at all sure that was the case because he said those relationships tended to make him feel worse and he kept looking for ways to break them off. He is also one of those guys who "hates to hurt." I guess he hates to hurt everyone except me!!
So, it sounds like my H's journey has started in earnest now. This is scary stuff -- for both of us.
