MATTIE...SORRY I haven't been in touch. For a couple of days I had trouble posting. Got that straightened out and just now found your new thread!! You sounded so upbeat the last time we "talked" so it was hard reading that you are having all these doubts and fears!! I so wish I had the words that would comfort you and help you somehow. Just remember that I am here for you..to listen,support,console,sympathize and give any advice I possibly can!!

I remember when I went through the ordeal of having H emailing the XOW after he told me she was out of his life and that he would let me know if he heard from her and that he wouldn't respond to her if she did contact him. I was so hurt and angry that he could betray me once again! He didn't see it as betrayal and he really didn't feel he was being unfaithful!! Sometimes I wonder where his head is!! Anyway,that was a big set back and I told him that it further hindered my ability to trust. I heard Dr. Phil say on a talk show one time that if your mate breaks off an A but stays in contact with the OP,it means they have unresolved issues with that person and with their feelings toward them. Now,my H claimed that he never told her he loved her and even later down the road claimed that he really had no "real" feelings for her. But it seemed to me that his actions told a different story. Somehow it was hard to make him see that. My H is a very intelligent man and usually has a lot of common sense but I was amazed at his inability to grasp the things I was saying!! I truly felt that he emailed her ocassionally after ending the "fling" because he did have some sort of feelings for her. I also feel like now those feelings no longer exist. I think part of what he told me was true however,he felt guilty that he had used her and hurt her and that was part of the reason he felt he "needed" to try and stay friendly.

My H has this uncanny ability to put things away in his mind and move on. Oh,I believe he does think about them from time to time but he wouldn't admit it !! It has been a long time since I have even mentioned anything about the past events. I know he likes that and I am sure he is feeling that I too have finally "put it behind" like he has. But that is a long way from being the way it is. I hate to admit it but there are still times when I find myself wondering if I can really and truly trust him!! I don't feel that way very often and I hate it when I do but feel helpless to stop it!! Is this the price we are going to have to pay for the rest of our lives because our H's betrayed us? I feel like sometimes,he feels that because I forgave him and made all the changes,everything is totally back to normal and perfect!! He really doesn't "get it"!! Things will NEVER EVER be totally normal again!! I love this man with all my heart and soul and I always will but that doesn't change the fact that he betrayed that love and even though I forgave I will never ever forget!!

Maybe I'm a fool to let him go on thinking that everything is perfect just because I never mention it and that it is out of my mind. But I honestly feel that if I do bring it up it only makes him think about "her" and believe me the less he thinks about "her" the better!!!! I am honestly doing ok though!!I feel good about me and I feel that I am really loved and appreciated! Anytime I need to talk about what happened,I come here and feel better!! I need to learn to curb my "over active" imagination and I'll do even better!! My H often tell me that can really come up with some weird thoughts !!

I know I haven't given you any advice Mattie but to be perfectly honest I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is that you have worked so hard and you have been patient,understanding and loving toward your H even when he probably didn't deserve it!! It's an old cliche and I know you get tired of hearing it but.....TIME DOES HEAL!! Hopefully in time your H will get to the root of his problems. It does sound like he is trying!! There really isn't a "time frame" to go by. People move at their own speed. All I can say is "hang in there!!" If you love this man (and I know you really really do) and you feel your R is worth saving (and I think you do)then you'll do whatever you have to in order to make things right. Remember that it's your H with the major problems,it's your H who has messed up the R and it is your H that has to make things right!! It's a good sign that he is volunteering the info about not hearing from the OW. Sometimes I wish my H had done more of that!! Just continue to show him love and support but at the same time do things that make you feel good,do things for Mattie and do whatever you feel necessary to make things bearable!! (If you feel like kicking OW butt...if it'll make you feel better...GO FOR IT!!!!!! !!!!)It may be against DB principles but hey,every now and then "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do" !!

Just remember that I am here (I may not post immediately but I will get back to you)and if you need to email me or send me a PM!! I think about you and you are in my prayers every single night!!

Your Friend,PAT