H had his session with the C last night. He said they didn't talk about depression any more -- the C forgot he wanted H to fill out a questionaire!! They will do it next week.
H said the topic of conversation was really all over the board -- said he was having a hard time following. For what he told me, it sounded like more fact-gathering and the C trying to get an idea where H stands emotionally.
I asked if they talked about his feelings for the EA at all. H said no, that was never brought up. He wonders if the C just discounts that part of the equation as part of H's "illness." I told him that I doubted that very much. I said I felt that maybe the C was just trying to find out what was "real" to H. They did talk about setting goals for therapy, too.
I told H I needed to know where he stood as far as the EA. Again, he said he hasn't really thought about her. When he thinks about stuff that hurts it's usually about the PA and how sick it makes him to think about what he did. He can't understand why he did it and he can't understand why he told me about it. I reminded him that he told me a couple of weeks ago that one of the reasons he told me was because he feels he wanted me to kick him out so he'd be free to pursue the EA. He told me last night that that was just supposition on his part. He really doesn't have a clue. He said the EA hadn't really gotten very far at that point. So, I'm really confused, but then so is he!!
I thank him again for telling me there had been no contact with the EA. He said he felt bad that he hadn't said something before. He knows I don't want to ask and he doesn't want me thinking about it. He said, "I told you I'd tell you if there was contact, so you can imply if I don't say anything that there has been no contact." Interesting. I suppose I could imply that if I could trust him. Maybe he's forgotten that little tidbit, huh?
Somehow the conversation got around to him saying she (the EA) doesn't want anything to do with him. I don't him I couldn't care less what she wanted -- it's what he wants that concerns me. He said that obviously if he wanted anything more to do with her, he could contact her, couldn't he? He didn't want to contact her, therefore, he wants nothing more to do with her. Then I asked him, "If it's true that the EA doesn't want anything to do with you any more, how do you feel about that?" I forget the exact word he used, but basically he said he felt dispassionate about it -- it didn't make any difference to him.
I'd love to believe all that, but it's really hard to.
This weekend we're going to the beach for the weekend -- the same beach community that the XPA lives in!! H keeps asking me if I'm looking forward to going. It's like he's completely blocked it from his mind that I will ALWAYS have a problem going back there. It is getting better each time we go, I have to admit, but it will be a reminder to me forever. At least this time I will have the support of our best friends who now know the situation. They'll help keep things on track.
