MAttie-I am so where you are with the trust issue. It's the worst thing in the world to have been betrayed like we have.I can identify with every single thing you said. I have been contemplating asking to see the cell phone records since they go to his office. Most people say don't do it. I say why? Don't they owe us a little peace of mind after the hell they put us through? My H says its over and there has been abslutely NO contact since he broke it off with her. I do know he did not want her life or baggage and would never have married her but she was good enough to keep around for 2 1/2 yrs for some reason. He says he wanted all the things he had with her to be with me. I am trying to be everything to him. His attitude has changed alot towards me-he does not have the anger, but he's picked up some bad habits like smoking, not wearing his safety belt-all things that would indicate guilt. At least in the mindset I'm in. OThers say its normal. I don't even begin to know what's normal. My life has been a total disaster since this happened. I don't even feel like I have one. The panic and anxiety are so bad I have to be on medication and had to take a leave of absence from work. I'm no where ready to go back. I feel safest at home, and not until I get some level of trust back will I feel like I can function like a normal human being again. Our hearts were ripped out of us. I, like you have wondered if I can live this way-not being able to trust him, and like you I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this and I can't imagine living it without him. I don't have one single answer-I wish he would offer me the assurance your H offered you without asking for it. I asked him to do that for me and he said he would but he has not done it yet on his own. I'm not sure why. When I ask him he is very reassuring and does not get upset that I ask-he has told me to ask him. Well... I have asked him to tell me without having to ask and he has not. I told him I needed that. He still has not. I don't know if its becasue he is trying to avoid the pain of the subject or because he does not want to willingly lie to me. He does tell me he loves me and never stopped. SOmehow that does not make the pain go away. I know there are alot of people on this board that are waiting to hear ILY from thier S. I'm just taking it one painful day to another right now not knowing how it will end up. He does not see all this insecurity in me. I hide it well from him so he does not get overwhelmed with it but he knows I have it anad the panic and anxiety are linked directly to him. I just want to TRUST again. I know you do too, an dI know there is no easy way to do it. My H says it will just take time. It's been 5 months since he broke it off with her and I still feel horrible. I don't like living like this but I don't know what to do except take it a day at a time and look at how he treats me and maybe bring up the cell phone thing in C. I feel for ya, because I'm right there too! Rachael M.
