Well, I decided the name for my new thread is aprapoe considering I feel like I'm starting over again after the original bomb of 10/1/01. Geez, do I have the strength?
For those who may visit this thread and not know my story and are interested, please see my most recent thread titled "Is it love or is it guilt?" I think that tells most of it. I really, really don't want to go into all the details again. Very bad for my PMA.
It's only been a month since H's latest bomb, and I've doing relatively well. Maybe that's because I've had so many months of DB'ing under my belt; maybe because I had time to work out some of the pain in between the two bombs; maybe I don't consider the latest bomb (EA) to be as painful as the PA; or maybe I simply am just going numb after the emotional onslaught.
I must say I find myself asking the question, "Do I really want to remain married to a man who has caused me so much pain?" The answer to that is not nearly as clear as it once was. Yes, I still love my H, but is that enough? I really don't think so. I can still love him and not be with him. I am afraid of him. I am afraid that he will once again abuse my love and my trust.
It is very hard to reconcile how a person who professes to love me so much could have done the things he's done. Okay, yes, he was in MLC or emotional crisis or whatever -- but so what? Did he lose all his knowledge of right and wrong? Where did his honor and integrity go? When did he decide it was okay to be so extraordinarily selfish?
So, that is where I am at the moment. What a horrible place to be -- to love somebody who you trusted wholeheartedly and to be betrayed by that person so despicably. It is hard to imagine a life with him. It is hard to imagine a life without him. There is so much damage. I just don't know if I want to deal with it anymore.
I need to talk to my H, and yet I'm afraid to. I'm told -- don't initiate OR talks; don't bring up the OW(s); give him space; give him time to heal, etc, etc. Him, him, him. Hasn't he had way too much time thinking of only himself? Am I really doing him/us any favors by keeping my mouth shut?
So, having said all that, let me update you a little. I haven't been able to get online and post since they changed the format -- had to get my password changed -- what a pain!!
H has a C appt this evening. They are to discuss depression a little more. One night H told me he really wants some medication (along with the therapy) because he's really feeling bad. He said he can look back now and see when the depression started (PA) and that it has gotten worse over time. The EA seemed to only deepen his depression. In his words he is "totally screwed up."
H says he has no passion for anything (including me). He gets no enjoyment out of any of the things he once loved to do. He said if I sat him down and said I wanted to sell the Harley and the motorhome, he's be okay with it. His libedo is very low -- although he initiates most nights and I pick up the slack the rest of the time. I know he wants to keep that area of intimacy open between us no matter what. I know he at least enjoys the closeness and comfort of our intimate times together. He is confident the passion will return as his depression lifts. I am pretty much without passion myself these days -- that old "numb " feeling I spoke about above. He can't sleep, either. He's just bone tired. And then add into the mix all the physical symptoms he's been having relating to stress and anxiety and, yes, you've got one really messed up person.
All in all, though, I can see a change in him since I discovered the EA. He is more loving with me. He notices when I seem down and askes me about it. He's being very considerate (most of the time). He's starting to talk more openly -- on his own.
The other night when we were talking about depression, I asked if he was depressed because he wasn't in contact with the EA and was missing that contact. He said he hadn't really thought about it (her?). He didn't like thinking about things that made him feel bad.
So, does it make him feel bad because of what he's lost or does it make him feel bad for what he might have lost (me/kids/home/family/friends, etc.)?
I told him I thought that was kind of odd that he didn't think about "it". He asked why. I said because it must have been a real shock to have it end the way it did after so long.
He said it was a shock -- a horrible shock -- the way it all happened with me and the kids, and then our friends and my family knowing all about it. The fact that I was asking him to leave and telling him it was over. That was the shock, he said, that shocked him back into reality.
Something very strange happened a little while ago. I have been wanting to ask my H if there has been any contact with the EA, but in my best DB fashion I haven't asked. The past couple of days, however, it was really driving me nuts. I guess I really expect her to let some time pass and then try to jump start things again.
Well, this morning my H called me from the car just 10 minutes after leaving. He asked me if I'd felt him touching my back about 6:00 a.m. this morning? I said, come to think of it I might have felt that, but I was so tired I just fell back asleep. He said he was awake and thinking about something he wanted to tell me, so he was just testing the waters to see if I was awake.
Folks, everytime my H says he has something to tell me I get this ache in my stomach. Hurts like hell.
What he wanted to tell me was that there has been no contact with the EA, either by phone or email. He realized I hadn't asked him about it, but he thought I'd like to know.
Wow, I was shocked. He actually volunteered information?! I thanked him for telling me; that it meant a great deal to me to not have to ask him. He said that was all he called to tell me, and we said our good-byes.
I am very proud of myself for not asking the question that was lurking on my tongue: "Why were you thinking about her and the fact that you haven't had any contact with her? Does that mean that you're missing her? Wondering how she's doing?" Nope. Didn't ask. Just thanked him for telling me.
So, it seems like he is really wanting to start over this time. Seems like he wants it to be just the two of us walking through life together. Keep praying for us, please. There is still so much hurt, anger, pain and sorrow to wade through.
