Unsure If I Belong Here

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

10/19/06:
H comes home after work asking if he could bring all of his clothes in becaue he's "tired of carrying them around" with him. I told him he could and he enlisted the help of D13. There was never any talk about us working things out, he just took it upon himself to move in. Both D's spent the night with friends, had a nice evening to ourselves.

10/20/06:
Came home from work. We went to a local bar for a couple fo drinks and came home. We watched TV and went to sleep. Both nights, H held me close as we slept.

10/21/06:
H had to help a friend move, then H has lunch with another buddy, then H attends a football watching party with co-worker. So he's gone all day Saturday and even Saturday night Not so much as a phone call. After a few drinks at home, I called his cell..no answer, so I made the mistake of checking his VM. No incriminating messages.

10/22/06:
Two year anniversary of separation. H comes home around 12:30 p.m. with pizza. I asked H if he had a good time and he said he did. Asked if I left him a bunch of mean messages and I told him No, just one this morning asking you to call. I asked him if this would be becoming a habit of staying out all night and he said "No, I promise you that."

The whole day we watched sports. Nothing much. Had dinner. Not much of interacting with each other. He seemed more standoffish than anything. H had his cell charging and that evening checked his phone for any messages. H asked if I had checked his messages, and I said "No, why?" H said his cell phone was not indicating any messages when there should be and that he would check (somehow) if someone tried a passcode and it didn't work. I've been guilty of trying to break his code. It happened about a year ago. OW had his old code and I knew that code because he gave it to me. OW changed H's outgoing message saying: "You have reached OW and H...blah, blah, blah." When I heard that I told H and he changed his message and code. So, later on down the road, H washed his phone and had to get it replaced. Since his phone was down I thought I would snoop (I know...not good). I had 3 chances to get the code right and didn't. So, I tried it again and a message came on saying that phone number xxx-xxx-xxxxx has been trying to access your VM without success. I tried another code and got it correct...whew!

Okay, back to Sunday...later in the evening H announced that he would be sleeping on the couch becuase the mattress seemed to slope towards the middle. This is a brand new mattress and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. So at bedtime I tell H good night and I would see him in the morning. H said he would just lay on the couch for a bit and will be in the bedroom, which he was after 10 minutes. Not much holding last night, in fact there was none from him, just me holding him.

10/23/06:
We get up and go to work. I'm trying to contact H more often than I used to. It seems that since I've started DB'ing I have really took the no contact with H to the extreme. Sometimes, I'm afraid to call him because I don't to come across as pursuing, silly I know. I tried a couple of times but he was busy. H ended up calling me and I asked about his day and told him what I plan on making for dinner. He seemed pleased with dinner plans. H then asks me for the phone number of the counselor we both saw a few times during the beginning of our separation. I gave him the number and asked him if this was for himself, he said it was. I don't know why he wants to talk with the counselor...I didn't push it.

Like I've said before, I think H is afraid to get close to me again. I've noticed he tends to say "Oh, I'm sorry" over little things (ex: his clean laundry was sitting on the couch so I moved over to sit down). It's like he's apologizing over the things that used to set me off, when in fact they no longer do...but the big things like not calling me when he's out all night, I get no apology?!

Could someone help me understand why H can have all his clothes hanging in the closet again, but yet he keeps his toiletries in his bag? Everyday he gets his toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant, shaving cream and razor out...will use them and then puts them back in his bag. I don't understand and I don't even know how to ask why he does that.