Unsure If I Belong Here

[kaydeekay]

Thanks WAWfighter,

After my last post, I phone H at work. I asked H how he was feeling (he had broke out in a rash on his chest and had an upset stomach, maybe stress about me?) He said he felt okay. I suggested that it would be a good idea if we didn't speak with one another for the next two days while he is gathering his thoughts. At first he was unsure about this but agreed to it. I asked H if he was afraid of me. He said he was. I told him there was no need to be afraid of me, but that he was one that had to make the decision not to be. I asked H by Thursday we should know what to do. H said Yes, definitely. Before we said our goodbyes, H said "I love you" and I said "I love you too." H has not said ILY in months. So I really don't what to take of this. In my pessimistic mind (I know I need to be really positive) I'm thinking "Okay, he wants to finally let me go on a good note and let me know that he does love me but not like he used to."

The times I've been around H he's kinda nervous (trembling hands). I truly believe H wants to be with me, but he has a fear of letting down his wall that is built around his emotions for me. He's afraid of me hurting him again and not truly love him for who he is. I remember times, before all of this chaos happened, when I did tell H that I loved him, he would say "No you don't."

I've learned from my mistakes, and I know I can express my love for him in ways that I never did before. But I don't think I will get that chance unless he lets his guard down.