Unsure If I Belong Here

[kaydeekay]

Quick background:

M:42
H:36
Married 12 years and 9 months
Together: 15 years
D13, D17 (mine), S17 (his), S21(mine)
S: 10/22/2004
Dropped bomb of OW: 2/15/05
Filed D: 7/18/2005

Okay, to start off with, I've been here and there on the boards, no really sure if I belong on this board or not. I have been DBing since March 2005. If anything good comes out of this mess is that DB has taught me patience, finding myself, GAL, and a lot more.

H was back and forth between me and OW in the beginning. They lived together off and on for about six months until their relationship blew up on 9/11/05. And let me tell you that the big advantage of LBS living with OP is the "dream" life is not it's all cracked up to be.

After their blow up he did go into the depressed mode but it didn't last long. We attempted reconciling but H had issues with trusting me. I admitted I wasn't the best wife before his A, but I've changed my ways for the better through DB. However, H would never stay long enough to see those changes.

Around 1/2006 I believe this is when H met OW2. I have the gut feeling this A was not as intense as was the first. I think OW2 was just available for H who needed someone.

During 3/2006 through 5/2006 H lived with me. Things were not all good...kinda tense. H left to live with sister. During the summer he met OW3, a 21 year old. That last about two months from what H has told me. Yeah, H has told me some off the wall sh*t that he has done while we were separated.

From 5/2006 to present time, H would call me two to three times a day. Some days we would have good convos and others days not so good. Some days he wanted to work on things, and other days he said it just wouldn't work.

About a month ago I called H phone (which I rarely made contact with him). A woman answered. I asked who in the h*ll is this? This is OW2. She sounded frightened when she found out who I was. I talked with H and asked him what was going on. We got into a huge argument with each of us saying horrible things. A few days later, H calls me and we have a calm convo and we apologize to each other.

In my state we have to take a class for married couples with children to attend prior to the judge signing the decree. Mind you, the D was filed in 7/2005 and is still pending. After the heated phone call with H, I guess I had my fill of the lies, cheating, and everything else and attended my class without telling H. H called D13 the night of the class and asked where I was. She told H that I was at a class for work (which is what I told her). Late that night (around 11:30 pm) H calls me with private number, which I don't answer. H calls D13 and asks to talk to me. H wanted to know what class I took. I wouldn't give him an answer, but he kept on and on, so I told him. H was surprised that I followed through with this part. H asked if I still loved him and I told him very much. H wanted to know if things could work out between us, I told him that I didn't know.

So for the past 3 1/2 weeks H and I talk daily. Talked about dating again. H would come around to see me and we would ML Sunday, H comes over to my house. H has all his belongings. We never discussed him moving back in, we did discuss him moving in with a mutual (male) friend of ours.

The only thing H brings into the house was his toiletries and a few dirty clothes to wash. He leaves everything else in his truck. We spend the whole day watching football (which I love) in bed. We did ML twice that day I enjoyed the time with him but I felt I was emotionally detached, had my guard up I guess.

Monday we both go to work and H takes the belongings he brought in back to his truck. H comes back to the house after work. We don't talk much, he's in the bedroom watching football, while I'm in the living room channel surfing. Still feeling detached.

As we lay in bed, H asks me "Have you felt anything these past two days?" I replied, "Honestly, no." He said the same. Then he starts rubbing my head, putting his head on my chest and holding me. H wanted to know if things would work out between us, I told him I didn't know. We ended up ML and I held him during the night.

H calls me today to inform me that he was going to get a room to think about things. H asked me if I could be the woman he wanted I asked him what that was, he said someone that will hold me, someone that will caress me, and gently scratch my back. Someone who will spoil me (with love). I told him I was those things but just never showed it. H wanted to know if I had screwed around on him, I told him no, which I haven't. H asked if I had with one of his friends . I told him no. I have no idea where that came from. H says that he is afraid of starting over with me only to have me going back to my old ways. I told him that if he were to give me the chance he could see the changes (I know it kinda sounds like I was asking for a second chance but I really wasn't). I wanted him to know that he could trust me but that's something he has to decide.

So this is where I'm at right now. I've got this nagging feeling that he is testing the waters with me right now to see how I am, and maybe seeing OW2 too? To see who's better? I really don't know if that's the case, it could me just being suspicious - My woman's intuition radar has not gone off yet.

How can I show my H that I can be the loving wife he is wanting. He has repeatedly told me that he has tried to get over me, he compares other womem to me, that there is something that draws him to me.