Flip quoted an interesting tidbit on another thread,
"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
This got me to thinking about how my W's A came to be. Much of what this quote describes is an accurate rendition of what went on, my W became overwhelmed by work, schoool and then the duties of a family, she needed a place/person that was just hers away from the day to day stuff. She found that in OW. On the otherhand, it made me think about some of the things she complained about in our M. One came to mind, "You aren't a romantic person". I tried to address that one but came up short. I began to send flowers, leave little notes, even write "I love you" on the banana I'd pack in her lunch. Nice little things BUT they were concrete actions which fell short of what she saw as true romantic gestures. She was looking for more than some nice flowers delivered to her workplace, she wanted more than "token" gestures (no matter how much love was behind them) She wanted romantic getaways, candlelit dinners, time alone, seduction and that's not what I provided. It's interesting to look back and suddenly recognize that something I thought I was doing well was really not what she desired. I was showing love in the way I thought it should be shown, not in the way she needed to recieve it. Live and learn, I guess. Sadly, she always felt that having to guide me in this area was just another proof that we shouldn't be together. "If it isn't natural and spontaneous then it's not you" So she did nothing to work with me to make this work, she just expected I would know how to do it and if I didn't then too bad for me. So, putting that aside, my insight for today is that we must provide love in the manner the receiver sees as valuable, not in the way that we might see it as valuable. Make sense?
