perfection 2

[MuddleThrough]

Our S's are looking to the OP to make them happy and it just cannot be. Simple.

Yeah - but how many of US still do the same thing? How many of us hold out hope thinking that if our spouse were to turn around and desire to be with us that we would truly be happy? Can that ever be true? With every situation and experience there are always positive and negative consequences - so while we focus on one or the other in anticipation and ignore the other, when what we anticipate comes about, it never meets the expectations we set ourselves up for.

We are in a position, as you say, to adjust to a new reality and make ourselves happy by NOT relying on the spouses actions to do that for us.

I don't really like the use of the word "make" when you say make ourselves happy. I know that many of us are so caught up in our pain that we do have to make a big transition to happiness, but I generally think it's more about awareness of our happiness and appreciating things that do exist in life, or life itself, that change our state of being towards a positive and happy one. I do have a bit of a hard time viewing this state as obtainable - because it then takes on a material quality - but rather I think this is a state that exists in everyone (if you can perceive it it is a part of you) that becomes stronger with more attention and focus.

I've always wondered why we spend so much time on drilling the "fairness" concept into our children and our society when in reality it is really just a fantasy anyway!

I think it's because we need to have a reliable and ordered way of looking at the world. That's why we have all of the societal constructs that we do. We don't view our societal institutions as fantasy, yet that's what they are - it's just that it's institutionalized (agreed upon and conventionalized) and well defined so we all agree on its existance and its function. I think that this sense of justice and fairness is a moral ideal that exists both in religious paradigms and humanist ones. It's clearly the most socially beneficial way to live (do unto others as you would have done to you). The trouble is that people often choose to put their personal needs or desires in a position of higher priority than the social ones.

I think the devestation you talk about comes from the idea that in a social situation we are entitled to a systematic ordered distribution of stuff (be it material things or attention or time, etc) and if you do X then you can expect Y. But it's not a given, and it takes work and will from others to yield that Y. Also, you are relying on the benevolence of others. Beyond this is the materialistic perspective that is problematic to begin with "if I get that it will make me happy." No, your lust will be satisfied, but you will not be happy.

Good to hear from you again, Muddle. I hope everything is going as well as can be expected for you (even if it isn't fair! )

Thanks for you kind wishes. I'm doing well - my sitch, however is a judgement call I continue to try not to make. Parts of it are clear, others not. It's changing, and so am I. After all, that's the only constant, isn't it?