perfection 2

[MuddleThrough]

Agreed - it is DB, and consistant with just about all other reliable relationship advice I have ever read. I remember reading once a story where a man was complaining to a psychologist that his wife nagged him all the time. He said "she really has a problem." The response was that HE was the one with the problem because he was unable to cope with (or resolve through agreement) the nagging in a positive way. He simply kept up the logic "if only she would change we'd both be happier" - thereby building a nice stockpile of resentment to continue poisoning the marriage. I think we all are in the most extreme example of this position - where our spouses technically are emotionally abusing us, yet many of us recognize that this is a great opportunity to learn how to adapt to things the way they are now and be happy despite the bad that is happening. Furthermore, we recognize that we can proactively try and influence the future by changing ourselves now.

I think each of us projects a desired potential (packed with all sorts of personal desires for shaping ourselves or our life experience) onto the other person in the beginning of a relationship. We have to remember that this potential that we see is both an attempt to control and change the person we're with (trying to fix or refine, etc - but all relative to our perspective and worldview) and an attempt to work out our own issues from our past. It has little to nothing to do with them as a person. What we see NOW is what we get. We can agree on goals and dreams and refine our expectations and the potential we see for them, but trying to get them to meet what we perceive as the right way to acheive their potential is clearly wrong. This knowledge is very useful when you turn inward everytime you find yourself critical of your spouse to try and find the reason that this conflict between their actions and your expectations affects you. It's likely that you are projecting an issue you need to resolve from your past onto them and leaving it locked in blame does nothing for either of you but poison your relationship. It's an opportunity that should not be passed on, regardless of where your relationship seems to be going.

Now, this perspective is somewhat at odds with our western, materialistic perspective on life. We tend to believe emotionally that getting something will make us happy. But it's not just anything - there's a quality value judgement, where the better an object, the more happiness we will feel. If this weren't true, advertising wouldn't work on our emotional desire for this happiness in the way it does. The trouble is, we are imperfect beings, and if this logic were true in relationships, we would never get into a relationship with someone we cared about because we recognize our imperfections and wouldn't want to limit the happiness we can bring them because of our deficiencies - and vice-versa, we would be constantly looking for the most perfect person (an impossibility) to bring us happiness. Relationships can't be viewed from this materialistic, transactional perspective if they are to work out.