To delve a bit further into what I was talking about last night and to answer your question. Getting to know yourself.
Well there was a time and a place in time in life where we were self loving, reliant, healthy with who we were. It is that (or was) that person we most likely presented to our spouse.
Time and events in our relationship changed us. We became dependant on our S.. even our children.. on the gradual changes in life that our relationship caused and these small changes changed us as well. We became reliant on something.. someone else.. .. on certain things that are beyond are control. Most importantly, however, we became less reliant on ourselves.
It is natural that this happened. Whether it be to adapt to the M.. the kids and parenting .. scheduling whatever it might be. In the process however we tend to lose ourselves. For me , atleast, it is about rediscovering and finding that person you started our with in the beginning. YOU.
Thanks Tom. It makes perfect sense. I became the "family man" and then the "houseboy" in supporting my W's goals in life. Where did I get to in all this? I won't list my accomplishments since the "bomb" but I've become more me than I have been for a long time. This sad time in my life has brought out some really good stuff. GAL saved me big time. My W can choose to embrace this person or not, the choice is hers. But for now, what is is!
I have a couple of thoughts from "The Five Things We Cannot Change..." 1-"Some people draw pain and crisis to themselves; some have it thrust upon them and make themselves feel more pain by how they react to it. We all have to face pain, and when we experience it mindfully, we simply feel it as it is. When we add the ego layers, the mindsets of fear, blame, shame, attachment to an outcome, complaint, or obsession, we make things worse" I think most of us can relate to that one! 2-"Our purpose in life is not to remain upright at all times but to collapse with grace when that is what has to happen. The fact of impermanence gives us the hope that we will rise again" There will always be a tomorrow! And finally my favourite tonite, 3-"If everything collapses, I will deal with it by staying with the pieces and then picking up the pieces." Hope these thoughts are a help to someone else out there. Hang in there fellow DBers!
#3..... I can relate... thanks for the short version.... I'm not sure I am in the right mind right now to do a heavy read like that. So it is appreciated.
M - 35
W - 37
kids- 2 D9 & S7
Married 11 years
BOMB 8/9/06
Yes, this book is not one I would recommend to those who don't have the time or energy to put up with his Jungian, Buddhist etc. lingo. It's not an easy read despite the impression the title leaves BUT I do find some gems in my reading of it and I'll continue to share them. I hope you feel a little better soon,Sean.
Quote: When we add the ego layers,... we make things worse
needed to read that, I feel like a total idiot now, I wanted my ego stroked and that's why I insisted H "validate" me about our and his ex SL, we were actually doing much better in that dept and here I am acting my shoe size.
I collapse like a drama queen, not w/grace, I still dont' know how to behave, it's pathetic. I still expect him to "earn" his way back. I was reading a book this am which said that the grace of forgiveness is a gift, which must be freely given and no amount of "hoop jumping" will make someone earn such a gift.
I do want my H to jump hoops at some degree, he doesnt' give me much but I don't appreciate what he has give me already.
<sigh> I'm calling him right now to tell him not to read the stupid TM I sent and to forgive me if he has already read it.
thanks so much whatisis)))
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
We've all done and said stupid things. I think our S's actually expect it from us! But, we try to make it right and not repeat the same screw ups. I hope you H is understanding and respects your courage in owning up to your mistake. Let us know how it goes.
He was amazingly understanding and I actually sensed a bit of concern, I acted out of character, I had kept the drama off our lives for a good while. We had a long talk and I'm back in planet earth
Will behave now, I promise
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
whatisis I have been following your post and have alot of respect for what you have done and continue to do. I am hoping I can continue down the same path and create a life. I have never thought of myself of being addicted to anything; however, I do feel now that I am addicted to a way of thinking and problem solving. Each day I have to tell myself to not go to my wife and try to fix what I believe are very bad decisions for her, the two kids and myself. I hope one day these feelings will stop, right now I am forced to push them down deep inside.
