I spent tonite at the bookstore looking at some of the books that have been suggested by others here and some that seemed to fit the same themes. "Co-dependent No More" has a great chapter on Detachment, worth looking at again. I bought a book called "The Five Things We Cannot Change...and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them" by David Richo. So for all you guys tired of reading my personal sh!t I'll share a little of what I've read so far. In the intro. he talks of the "givens" in life (which we try to ignore at our own peril) which are 1) Everything changes and ends 2)Things do not always go according to plan 3)Life is not always fair 4)Pain is a part of life 5)People are not loving and loyal all the time (I can think of one person off the top of my head )He writes " Each of the givens or conditions of existence evokes a question about our destiny. Are we here to get our way or to dance with the flow of life? Are we here to make sure everything goes according to our plans or to trust the surprises and synchronicities that lead us to new vistas? Are we here to make sure we get a fair deal or are we here to be upright and loving? Are we here to avoid pain or to deal with it, grow from it, and learn to be compassionate through it? Are we here to be loyally loved by everyone or to love with all our might?" Good questions to ponder. He further writes "When faced with one of life's givens, we might ask "Why did such a terrible thing happen to a good person like me? I deserve better." The mindful version of that question is: "Yes this happened, now what?" ...When we make an unreserved consent to the things we cannot change, we are saying yes to ourselves, as we are, in our ever unfolding autobiography." So good so far! I'm thinking it's time to take my focus directly off the sitch and put it more onto me. Who am I and what do I want to be? So if you want me to bore you with more of this stuff just let me know, if not...too bad, it's my thread, I'll write what I want to And Muddle, Ken Wilber's new book (not that you recommended it)is way over my head! I reserved a few others of his at the library. I'll give em a whirl cuz I'm open to "the surprises and synchronicities that lead us to new vistas". Thanks everybody for your thoughts and book suggestions.
P.S. Number lady, do I know SLOW! Thanks for checking in.
Read the chapter on Detachment from Co-dependent No More...last night. Definitely a good read and hit home in a lot of ways. 25% through the book. Don't know if I buy all of the things in co-dependency...I think a certain amount of co-dependency is normal when it comes to a spouse or significant other or the situations each of us face...but does help to reenforce that a certain amount of detachment is necessary and sometime you can do nothing to change a situation. Sometimes you have no other choice but to let go and stop protecting someone.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Quote: .but does help to reenforce that a certain amount of detachment is necessary and sometime you can do nothing to change a situation. Sometimes you have no other choice but to let go and stop protecting someone.
That's a great saying!!!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
I think in desperation we choose to either be hostile and walk away or go overboard in trying to do stuff to make it all turn around. We become kind of co-dependent. Look at other threads and you'll see a lot of us so wrapped up in our S's and their every word or lack of word. We look for every way we can win their "love" back and in the process forget about ourselves. Even when we GAL it's hard to know how much is for us and how much is to change the sitch. I know I sometimes don't know. Today my W was late picking up the kids to go to an appointment and I had this urge to call the doctor and let them know she would be late! What the hell was that about? I didn't do it, but it's an indication of how it can just creep up on you. Trying to be nice, caring, go that extra mile can become a pathetic knee jerk reaction to every little thing. Why did I want to fix this? It's her task, she didn't ask me for any help so why the urge to rush out and rescue her from her own lack of planning? Things for me to seriously look at. I think I've gotten so used to trying to keep things manageable for her (due to her excessive work load and schooling) that it's become second nature. She takes it for granted anyway. So the co-dependent stuff is really worth a look, for me . I'm also trying to get a better handle on this detachment stuff...maybe I'll even try it someday!
Here's tonite's wisdom from "The Five Things We Cannot Change..." so read on fellow DBers,
"I am now more careful...not to become the CIA: Critic, Interpreter, and Advisor. We can make it a spiritual practice not to criticize others' behavior, not to interpret what they do according to our worldview, and not to advise unless we are invited to do so. Eliminating these three behaviors from our repertory, especially with partners and family members, makes our communication much more loving and respectful. The five essential qualities of genuine love -- attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing (what I call the five A's) -- do not survive well with the CIA in pursuit"
I think this says a lot to all we LBS's trying to win back our M's. What do you think?
That was good Whatisis. I think I will try it out and see what happens. We all (especially MEN) are Critic's, Interpreter's, and Advisor's. We as men think we have to fix everything even if it is out of our control. I guess I just said it...CONTROL. As men we want total control over everything in our lives (or at this point not in our lives). Once we get to the point where we stop the above behaviors as well as trying to control our destiny then we will all live happier lives.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I heard somewhere (really not sure) 10% of our control is by events that happen to us, and 90% of our control is how we react to those events. Males want to control. We are fixers... Hang in there
M - 35
W - 37
kids- 2 D9 & S7
Married 11 years
BOMB 8/9/06
)He writes " Each of the givens or conditions of existence evokes a question about our destiny. Are we here to get our way or to dance with the flow of life? Are we here to make sure everything goes according to our plans or to trust the surprises and synchronicities that lead us to new vistas? Are we here to make sure we get a fair deal or are we here to be upright and loving? Are we here to avoid pain or to deal with it, grow from it, and learn to be compassionate through it? Are we here to be loyally loved by everyone or to love with all our might?" Good questions to ponder. He further writes "When faced with one of life's givens, we might ask "Why did such a terrible thing happen to a good person like me? I deserve better." The mindful version of that question is: "Yes this happened, now what?" ...When we make an unreserved consent to the things we cannot change, we are saying yes to ourselves, as we are, in our ever unfolding autobiography." So good so far! I'm thinking it's time to take my focus directly off the sitch and put it more onto me. Who am I and what do I want to be? So if you want me to bore you with more of this stuff just let me know, if not...too bad, it's my thread, I'll write what I want to 