Whatis, you've discussed some Buddhist ideas before, and your post made me think of something Ken Wilber has written about. Specifically, he discusses the parts of the self, and the idea of the real self as the observer (or Witness). I think the idea of detachment is very different than someone in denial. Your wife seems to be in denial, and the detachment she seems to practice is what enables her to continue on the path she is on totally disregarding the impact she is having on the health and happiness of those to whom she is most important, and who she likely regards as important as well.
I think the Witness is the part of your self you need to be most in touch with in this sort of sitch. In experiencing your life from this perspective (and this is Wilber's idea, not mine) you watch your emotions play out in front of you, but they are not you, because you are able to experience this as separate from yourself. When you can recognize that you are separate from your feelings, your thoughts, events in your life, you cease to be so attached to ANY outcome, and can really enjoy marveling at your own ability to feel so much pain! I think the hope you are holding out is only a bad thing in that it keeps you attached to an outcome, causing you pain when the situation does not change to meet your expectations. The change in your sitch will never meet your expectations - the only way to be happy is to have no expectations and appreciate the positive change for what it is. That being said, you need to decide what you are willing to live with regarding your relationship. It's perfectly alright to say that you are not willing to live in a loveless marriage. I think you might need to show yourself the respect that having this sort of boundary will convey.
Your emotions are normal - and we're all just trying to see you strong. Sometimes it's a real sign of strength to accept that you're emotional, or that you need help, or that you're at the end of your rope. Decide what you need to do for you, then figure out a way to get it done that will have the least negative impact on your family.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks Muddle. I think maybe what I am going through is the realization that what I had hoped for really is dead. I am entering a new place in this sitch. Previously there was always something that I felt I could do...now there isn't (that may not be even true, but it is how I feel). That is very new and raw for me! It brings up all the thoughts about where I and my family are going. It is a frightening place and I can choose the detachment route (the healthy one you outlined) or leave in the best way possible. I believe this is a key time in my sitch. Thanks to you for hanging in there with me.
Tonite was Ballroom dance lesson 3 and, finally, we had a really good time! Yes, she critisized but it was in the teasing, good natured way other S's did. We talked in the car to and from the class. We even discussed dance during the break. I will accept it as a gift and enjoy it for what it was. What tomorrow brings, who knows. Whether it was her change of mood tonite or the exercise aspect (or both) but I feel so much calmer and happier tonite. The cloud lifted. It really doesn't change much though. I will be dealing with the same sh!t again and again. It's hard enough to deal with an unfaithful S but when she also becomes so angry and bitchy it just feels impossible. So we had some laughs, conversation and I did better than Jerry Springer tonite, except I would have loved to break a guitar too! Thanks for checking in folks, it helps to know people are out there and popping in their thoughts. I'm sure el depresso will return soon, so keep those 2x4's handy!
Have you just tried to look at her as a roomate? Maybe that is what you should try to do. Consider her a roomate instread of a cheating W? What would you do if she was your roommate. Would you even care what she is doing all of the time? Maybe that will help you stay in your happy place. Just my 2 cents. Of course I am not the wisest apple on the tree.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
You are as wise as any of the rest of us, OSU. It's much easier to look at others sitch's and show wisdom then it is to deal with our own. Thanks for your wise thoughts, they are always welcome.
That is definitly the truth. I have no emotional attachment to your sitch. Other than I consider you a friend and want to help out in any way possible.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Muddle, what you wrote about detachment is easier to read than to do I believe. But, it is something that is worth trying and experiencing. Living in the moment.
I think maybe what I am going through is the realization that what I had hoped for really is dead. I am entering a new place in this sitch. Previously there was always something that I felt I could do...now there isn't ~~Whatisis
I'm starting to feel like I'm right there with you. Letting go and moving on. Not b/c I don't want my sitch to work, but more out of being prepared for me and my kids.
Thank you both.
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Yes, Sean669, the one thing you will get on this site is people who will encourage you to keep on working at your sitch. Everywhere else people tell you to bail out, "you've done enough", "how long are you going to put up with this"...you know the rest. They mean well but just can't get by your pain and want it to end for you. Leaving is often seen as the best alternative by others. Here we understand why the other has chosen to stay, it's mutual. It amazes me that to try and do the right thing and keep your M and family together is seen as so crazy elsewhere! I guess pain speaks loudly. So thanks for choosing to check in on me, your thoughts are appreciated (and everyone else's too). I'm learning again and again and again...to be the best person I can be for me, because if I don't stand with myself, how can I expect anyone else stand with me (my W included)? Thanks again.
