Whatis, you've discussed some Buddhist ideas before, and your post made me think of something Ken Wilber has written about. Specifically, he discusses the parts of the self, and the idea of the real self as the observer (or Witness). I think the idea of detachment is very different than someone in denial. Your wife seems to be in denial, and the detachment she seems to practice is what enables her to continue on the path she is on totally disregarding the impact she is having on the health and happiness of those to whom she is most important, and who she likely regards as important as well.
I think the Witness is the part of your self you need to be most in touch with in this sort of sitch. In experiencing your life from this perspective (and this is Wilber's idea, not mine) you watch your emotions play out in front of you, but they are not you, because you are able to experience this as separate from yourself. When you can recognize that you are separate from your feelings, your thoughts, events in your life, you cease to be so attached to ANY outcome, and can really enjoy marveling at your own ability to feel so much pain! I think the hope you are holding out is only a bad thing in that it keeps you attached to an outcome, causing you pain when the situation does not change to meet your expectations. The change in your sitch will never meet your expectations - the only way to be happy is to have no expectations and appreciate the positive change for what it is. That being said, you need to decide what you are willing to live with regarding your relationship. It's perfectly alright to say that you are not willing to live in a loveless marriage. I think you might need to show yourself the respect that having this sort of boundary will convey.
Your emotions are normal - and we're all just trying to see you strong. Sometimes it's a real sign of strength to accept that you're emotional, or that you need help, or that you're at the end of your rope. Decide what you need to do for you, then figure out a way to get it done that will have the least negative impact on your family.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
