Wow, I got locked out by Divorce Busting! Talk about feeling rejected Anyway, the hopeless feelings I have right now are based on seeing nothing more I can do in my sitch. I have always looked for the silver lining, for the next thing I can do...it keeps my PMA up. But lately I've looked at all the things I hoped would make a difference and nothing has. I had hoped that not going on the trip with her would help, I'd hoped that when her schooling ended (and it has) her stress would be reduced, I had hoped that when she asked for a work reduction at her job that would make a difference, I'd hoped that doing an activity together (dance lessons) would help. I thought when we ML that would have an impact. NOTHING has! In fact, she's gloomier and less interested in me than ever. So what's left? I feel defeated and begin to believe that maybe separation is the only way left to go. Am I supposed to just go on being the houseboy forever and blow her kisses each time she goes out with OP? The kids keep me from doing it right now. It tears me apart to think of the pain they will suffer. Can I justify it in my mind? What have they done to deserve this? Nothing. Do I leave them, even half the time, with a depressed person who will be dealing with more stress due to me leaving. It's just seems so damn immoral to do that to my children just because I'm not a happy camper! Yet, it also just feels so wrong to live like this. I also know that it's not just ending a M, it's ending a family. I'm in this deep hole right now and it seems there is nothing left to do but keep digging yet digging seems so pointless. Well, that's it from Mr. Happy for today. Sorry you had to read this! Thoughts are appreciated.
Hey Mr. Happy: you sound resentful. You sound like everything you are doing is an attempt to bring your W and M around, and it's not working even though it's supposed to. You sound like you are acting on something to bring about change in that something - but you are looking upon it as something that is separate from you. It's not. I suggest you drop all attempts to change your situation and look only to yourself. See what you can do for yourself that you have put off or that you think would make you a more marketable single. Work at it. Ignore the effect on your W. Move on. Once you stop trying to change the situation by viewing it as separate from you (which to me means viewing yourself in the light of right and the relationship or your W the wrong), you will really make serious progress. If you start looking to the you a new person will see and think about what they will see and start changing to make yourself more attractive by taking into account your part in all the relationship problems you currently are experiencing, you may start to see things turn around. You must be the change you want to see in the relationship.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I've always tried to live this sitch by remaining positive. Always believing that you can never really know what's around the next corner. Even when things looked bad maybe... But there comes a time when one has to wonder about the sanity of continuing to do that. I've done a ton of stuff for myself and truly am a fuller, better person and that is good. It is very difficult to live with someone who seems to view me as furniture much of the time. Where's the line? When do you say "I've had enough"? I can live for myself forever but will another R ever come from the place I'm in now? I have opportunities I could pursue but feel it is wrong to even contmplate such things. I'm married to my W and love her dearly and as long as I am there, my mindset stays that way. Is it healthy? Part of me just wants to give up, to hell with DBing. She wins!!!You may be right, Muddle, it's time to go inside and see what I need versus what might be right for the sitch. Sometimes it is hard to separate the two! Thanks.
You know I'm there with you. I've been fighting this internal fight over whether it's prudent to stay committed to something that just isn't right now, not to mention something that in the present is really not good. So, where do you draw the line? What do you do once you are beyond it? How do you proceed once you've made the decision that it's not worth living in this sitch? If you're thinking that you are close to if not actually beyond that point, start thinking along these lines. Start walking away yourself in a way you can live with. In a responsible, loving way. This might be what actually turns your sitch around. Then again, it WILL be the thing that leads you into a new and fulfilling life. I'm not saying you should run out and file for divorce - I'm saying that you should think of the steps you see taking to dissolve your marriage and move on. Make an action plan and take it one step at a time. Almost everything is reversible should you choose to do so (except the legal divorce).
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: Always believing that you can never really know what's around the next corner. Even when things looked bad maybe... But there comes a time when one has to wonder about the sanity of continuing to do that.
[2x4]That's cause you're not detached, you're doing it from a manipulative standpoint where you do X so you can get Y and Z. The PMA isn't supposed to be you keep hoping that something better is just around the corner for your M...it's being able to have a positive attitude whether the M lives or dies. As you're doing it, though, it seems it's all based on seeing a return on your investment, but you're/we're in a sitch where we've got to invest a while before we see a return, if ever. That's the risk, but there's no other real choice. It's OK sometimes to do X, but do it as a gift you don't expect returned, not for any other reason.
I have felt exactly like you...seems insane...because I wasn't detached. Once I truly let go, I was able to focus on me and make progress on myself, strengthen my relationship with my kids. My W sees that and that has made a difference for us so far, though it's too soon to tell if it's permanent or not.
Patience. Detachment. Focus on yourself. [/2x4]
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
excellent read on the stich. You have to be able to say this is who I am and I am happy with that. If you are happy, she will see that. Be the fun person you were when you met. DOn't expect a sudden ROI. What I think you want (we all do) is the long term retun. you might have to do X-Y and Z, and still get nothing in return... but if it makes you feel good about yourself, thats what counts. I know I'v ebeen doing that... I could probally do 100 things to her 1... but I feel good about those things.. and have no expectation for retun. (ok a little, but I keep it inside right now). Its going from this to the postive. After all, if you do good, feel good... good things will happen.
M - 35
W - 37
kids- 2 D9 & S7
Married 11 years
BOMB 8/9/06
excellent read on the stich. You have to be able to say this is who I am and I am happy with that. If you are happy, she will see that. Be the fun person you were when you met. DOn't expect a sudden ROI. What I think you want (we all do) is the long term retun. you might have to do X-Y and Z, and still get nothing in return... but if it makes you feel good about yourself, thats what counts. I know I'v ebeen doing that... I could probally do 100 things to her 1... but I feel good about those things.. and have no expectation for retun. (ok a little, but I keep it inside right now). Its going from this to the postive. After all, if you do good, feel good... good things will happen.
M - 35
W - 37
kids- 2 D9 & S7
Married 11 years
BOMB 8/9/06
excellent read on the stich. You have to be able to say this is who I am and I am happy with that. If you are happy, she will see that. Be the fun person you were when you met. DOn't expect a sudden ROI. What I think you want (we all do) is the long term retun. you might have to do X-Y and Z, and still get nothing in return... but if it makes you feel good about yourself, thats what counts. I know I'v ebeen doing that... I could probally do 100 things to her 1... but I feel good about those things.. and have no expectation for retun. (ok a little, but I keep it inside right now). Its going from this to the postive. After all, if you do good, feel good... good things will happen.
M - 35
W - 37
kids- 2 D9 & S7
Married 11 years
BOMB 8/9/06
MY therapist recommended I read a book: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie...I am about a quarter of the way through and can see myself in a lot of the book. I can see a lot of us who are struggling with significant others who are off in their own little world. It is just basically more affirmation that we can't control our significant others destructive behaviors...a lot of stuff about letting go and worrying about your own behaviors and how our controlling behaviors may just add to the problem...I have a lot more to read but so far I think it has been a good read.
Might be worth a read...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Thanks for all the input, guys. As some of you may know, I've been in this sitch for at least 3.5 years now. 8 months ago was "I'm having an A", the year previous was "I don't love you anymore" , the year before that was "I'm not sure how I feel about you (or the kids!)anymore, and six months before that was "I love you as a friend, father but can't say I do as a H" (that time I packed a toothbrush and left...for a few hours). It has been a long, long road and I have hung in there for every step of it. I believed there were reasons to hang in and the ones I outlined in first post where ones I felt encouraged about and "hoped" (bad thing apparently!) would push us into a better place. I have GAL'd and not to win my W but to make myself a better person. I take Yoga, aerobics, dance (with wife, should have done it alone, as I'd originally planned), have earned a green belt in TKdo, joined a wonderful church and go to meetings, learned to cook different ethnic foods (pretty well, if I do say), I can run 5 miles non-stop (couldn't run a block before!), I read and write poetry... and those are off the top of my head. But to sometimes sit back and, yes, grieve your loss is not a terrible thing. To wonder where it's all going is not a terrible thing. To feel anger, resentment and sadness is not a terrible thing. Now, that said, to let all that control your life IS a bad thing. Detachment is certainly a blessing, it can keep us going when all seems bleak. It's funny though because my W has practised detachment for a long time and I don't see it as particularly healthy for her, that's how she keeps her destructive lifestyle in place. I don't want to keep something destructive alive in my life endlessly if it's purpose is just to remain above the waves. SRT I'll check out the book, thanks! I know my W's moods tend to have an impact on my moods, as well. I have to learn to be happy despite her unhappiness. Maybe I can work it that the more unhappy she is the happier that makes me ! Maybe not. Thanks again for listening to my babble, guys.
Anyway, the hopeless feelings I have right now are based on seeing nothing more I can do in my sitch. I have always looked for the silver lining, for the next thing I can do...it keeps my PMA up. But lately I've looked at all the things I hoped would make a difference and nothing has. I had hoped that not going on the trip with her would help, I'd hoped that when her schooling ended (and it has) her stress would be reduced, I had hoped that when she asked for a work reduction at her job that would make a difference, I'd hoped that doing an activity together (dance lessons) would help. I thought when we ML that would have an impact. NOTHING has! In fact, she's gloomier and less interested in me than ever. So what's left? I feel defeated and begin to believe that maybe separation is the only way left to go. Am I supposed to just go on being the houseboy forever and blow her kisses each time she goes out with OP? The kids keep me from doing it right now. It tears me apart to think of the pain they will suffer. Can I justify it in my mind? What have they done to deserve this? Nothing. Do I leave them, even half the time, with a depressed person who will be dealing with more stress due to me leaving. It's just seems so damn immoral to do that to my children just because I'm not a happy camper! Yet, it also just feels so wrong to live like this. I also know that it's not just ending a M, it's ending a family. I'm in this deep hole right now and it seems there is nothing left to do but keep digging yet digging seems so pointless.