Thank you for linking me to your threads, I have read through the 4th thread and it appears that my sitch is following somewhat closely to yours. I am in a very confusing place today and will attempt to provide details on what is going on.
My Wife dropped the bomb that she wanted a D in July. We have two sons age 4.5 and 14 months. I panicked and did all the wrong things. Late July I found out about OM and the fact that she has been talking with him since Nov 04 and pursuing him since Nov 05. He is married with a 4 month old son. His wife does not know about the affair, and they live in another State about 10 hours away. If my wife will leave me he will leave his wife. His wife is the primary provider in their family and he works out of the house. My wife stays home with children while I work. I am still living in the house as of today.
Unfourtuntly like everyone else we have complications if we get S andd or D. The one major difference is the fact that we stand lose partnership interests that equal more than seven figures. My main focus is on the children and being able to provide for them in the future.
I realize that I have chosen to stay in my marriage and fight and therefore I have chosen to experience alot of pain from my decision. I have read some great things posted by Muddlethrough, Whatis and NYsurvivor to name a few that have really hit home.
I am doing the following: counseling every week, coming home early from work, giving my wife a break by watching the kids, detaching from my old controling behaiver, working on the house weekly, and spending time trying to listen, touch and validate her feelings.
I will walk you through our past weekend. On Friday I made the mistake of snooping and looked at her e-mail where I saw that she was still communicating with OM. She had told me that she had broken off contact; however, she had started being secreative with her cell phone which made me curious. I knew I should not look; however, I did it anyway. We had a function to go to in the community that night and I found the e-mail right before leaving work. I pulled myself together on the way home. She was getting ready when I got home and as we were talking she asked if I would mind if she went out of town to visit one of her girlfriends for a girls weekend. I asked if it was see OM and she said no and further said she was not communicating with him. I said I did not have a problem with it, and please bear in mind that she has never gone a girls weekend.
We went to the function with another couple and finished the evening up at their house pretty late. Everything went well besides the fact that she utilized the restroom to check her cell phone all night. Saturday morning I got up with the kids and took them out of the house to clean her car, run errands, and give her a chance to relax. She called to check on us and I asked if she wanted us to bring her lunch, which she did. We ate lunch together and after lunch I worked on the house for about 3 hours, this was one of my wife's complaints in the past that I did not do enough handy man things with the house. The unfortunate truth is that I am not very good at it.
I lined up a babysitter for Saturday night for us to go shopping and out to dinner. We were pretty tired and this went OK. I stayed away from all R talk we mostly just had small talk. We were unable to find cloths for her and instead found cloths for me that I could order online later. Even though this was supposed to be shopping for both of us, it was not good when we did not find that much for her.
Sunday mornings we usually go church; however, the kids have colds and we would be unable to drop them off in the kids center, and my wife really did not want to go church anyway. I therefore asked her if she would like to go out shopping for herself since she did not have much luck the night before. We had planned to take our 4 year old to the mall and I asked if she could come back early afternoon for us do that together and this did not go over as well as I would have liked and made her feel that I was not happy staying home with the kids while she left. The 14 month old was sleeping at the time. I reverted back to old habits and followed her out to the car to talk it to death before she left and even followed up by talking with her on the phone while she drove to the mall (OUCH). I finally realized I needed to shut up and get off the phone.
I once again made the mistake of checking her e-mail to discover that she is planning on meeting OM on her weekend away. Up until this point I have been told that this has been a EA. I am shocked and devestated. I call her to let her know that the baby is up and find out if she would still like to go to the mall together for our 4 year old. She said yes and came on home. On the way to mall we talked about the R: W you are selfish and not thoughtfull M what am I still doing presently to make you feel this way W I do not want to be with a man that I have to tell how to act with me. You should know. M If I knew we would not be at this point in the R and I believe that it would be less frustrating for both of us if you could communicate your desires to me.
At the mall she asked why I was not more excited over the cloths that she was buying and I said I am excited just sad and depressed over what we are going through and I was not sure if we buying cloths for our future or her future and at one moment I turned and looked at her and said I need to know the truth even if we are not going to be together in the future I need you to be honest with. Are you talking or seeing OM, and she looked me dead in the eye and said no. This broke my heart because I know the truth.
Last night before bed we had the following convo. M How do you view me W What do you mean M As your husband, your my wife? W I view myself as your wife, why do you ask? M It just popped into my head and I was curious M When you say I am not thoughtfull how does that make you feel W I don't know M Does it make you feel hurt and frustrated W Yes M I am trying to process what you say and not start a fight but I am coufused based on a list of things I have been doing that you said were thoughtfull. W She gets mad and says she needs to be loved and feels like she is wasting her life right now and is just not happy. M I ask her if she feels I should be dating someone else. W She says that may be a good way to discover if our relationship is the right one or not. M I tell her that I believe for me it would only confuse the issues (like taking a bite of the apple) W She opens up that part of her is scared that I am pursuing goal of her and that if she showes affection back to me that I may take advantage of her. M I ask her to help me understand what she means by being taken advantage of and also tell her that she may be suprised at how I would react if she did show me some affection.
This morning I woke up early and gave her a massage with the intentions of not letting it lead into anything else. Which is not that hard to do these days given we ML week ago Sat. and before that it has been at least 2 months. She intiated it this mornging and we ML. She stated after that this is the first time she felt like we actully ML in our marriage. I stated she needed to be careful because she was saying that I might be changing and added through a fruedion slip where was that in our past marriage. She quickly stated that we are married and I was quick to add that I meant in the past.
Thank you if you have read this far. I am confused and not sure how to proceed forward. I love this women and she blames me for all of her unhappiness, she was depressed before but she did not realize that it is all resulf of me. I am not sure how to respond with the knowledge I have about the upcomming trip. Why does she continue to lie? If she told me the truth what can I do, besides potential allimony payments.
