Update on H and his MLC

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Imlin,

As a 12 stepper,I am moved and saddened to read your words. I THINK some random journalling may give you a little info or insight but if it's a waste or inapplicable to your sitch, I do apologize. Your H is not well in so many ways. How would you feel if he ran over a child, or a pregnant woman or a man who is providing for a family? Really think about that. Losing your house maybe, and what your kids would feel. You are modelling so many things now, and they must see someone who is healthy in life, and happy and making consciously good choices. Like your H, My dad was an alcoholic and a diabetic, which sucked as a combination. When he got liver cancer, he was not eligible for a transplant due to the diabetes, which got worse b/c of alchohol, a lot worse. And liver cancer mainly strikes drinkers in our country. He died b/c of his drinking. But that doesn't sum him up and neither does this medical problem say it all about your H.

But it is controlling everyone's lives, and he is making a choice. And so are you.

FWIW, I can tell you that once 90 days are reached, a lot of immediate physical fog is lifted, so thinking is clearer, but emotions may not be. I noticed that in my group, the men were far behind most of the women in identifying issues or confronting them b/c they never had. So if he has never addressed psych issues from childhood, they'll flood in now. And you will be targeted for much of the present day problems. Recovering drinkers don't have the best (or worst) record for making their marriages work. I remember many of them divorcing AFTER getting sober, and it seemed weird to me. But common. My personal problem arose after surgery and with pain pills. So I didn't have a life time of an addiction to deal with and I knew life could be fine without being buzzed. That was huge, huge huge. MANY addicts/alcoholics cannot imagine a sober life being fun or without lots of pain. I do suggest renting comedies and getting as much laughter in your life as possible. The more he laught without a buzz, the better. Same with intimacy activities. The more intimacy without booze, the better. Laughing and ml and playing with the kids are all "proof" that life without booze does not have to suck. And life WITH booze, for your H, DOES SUCK, and worse.

Sobriety changes those who achieve it, and usually does accompany a spiritual awakening which is hopefully accompanied by a renewal of existing commitments and a concomittant spiritual awakening in you and your family. Sounds like you have that covered.

My H didn't leave me when I went to rehab but when I look back at it, I see that I did it on my own, with God's help and the help of strangers I was lucky enought to have as my help. My H didn't know what to do about it and was terrified it'd hurt his career if it got out, which was not paranoid, but a bit selfish. I also was shame filled so I probably shut him out of the wrost parts. No dramatic crying jags in the ER for me, thank God. Did I feel that H was not really there for me then? In some ways, and Yes, I forgive him. And I asked for his forgiveness and eventually he gave it to me. I now have 10 years and it was my H who had the MLC. Guess we're even now...????

I'm rambling. Sorry to hijack and good luck.
j-