Quick recap....when H and I were newly seperated and he kept telling me he hadn't loved me for a long time I recalled the locket I was wearing and had to ask if he loved me when he gave it to me....he said "I don't know"...
Well I removed the locket in tears and told him that I didn't want it back until he could tell me that he loved me....
Fastforward....when he moved back to the area (before moving back with me)he rented an apartment with a guy (lawyer) that I didn't like....he gave me the creeps... well they eventually had a falling out and my H did as he did with me....left everything he owned in the apartment, including my locket....now it has been almost a year....he hasn't paid rent since March because he really couldn't afford the place to begin with but his MLC fantasy wouldn't allow him to reason that far...
Now he won't go get my locket because he says the guy has guns and it mentally unstable....he won't go through the court because he did sign a lease and he is afraid the guy will come after him with all his "legal" guns to get that money...
I was upset....I understood why he couldn't get my locket...but I was very sad....the sentimental value is there for me....because I feel soon that I will hear ILY and that was going to be my token....the return of my cherished locket...now it is gone....and H thought I was trying to make him feel guilty (I wasn't)....I just wanted some sympathy....understanding about my sadness and my loss....all he could say is "I can get another locket."...of course any woman and probably some men (not meant to be sexist just what I have seen) can see that another locket is NOT THAT locket....it CAN'T be replaced
So I cried....he got mad and said I was using guilt to control him....that I wanted him to risk getting shot for my locket....all not true....I just wanted him to understand my loss....that locket meant so much to me.... He wouldn't even give me a hug because he was so angry...so he left me sobbing on my bed and went to work....when he came home I had dinner ready and he ate....we watched some TV and I went to bed....he came in later....
He is emotionally withholding from me....he does this....he just shuts down.....makes me feel worse....and so the cycle goes...
I don't want him to buy me another locket...to me that would be more painful...a reminder always of the one that I lost....I don't want that....but he would do that...I would react negatively....then he would say "You don't ever appreciate the gifts I get for you."....he said that about THAT locket because when he gave it to me we had agreed we couldn't afford to exchange gifts for our anniversary and he went and spent money we didn't have....I was upset about that....not the locket...but he puts things and money in one lump and says I didn't appreciate it....after the shock of the money side wore off I wore my locket often....had pics of him and S in it...I cherished it....and I always will (in my memories)...but I don't want another one
I invited him to breakfast....hoping that we can talk this out and clear the air instead of doing what he prefers and ignoring it....because then I keep inside my bitter feelings and he keeps inside his and that is basically what got us to where we were a few years ago when his MLC came to a peak!....I don't ever want to walk that road again...I WON'T!
Linda, I wish I could explain your husbands resistance on the locket issue. Did you not mention before that health was an issue with him? Is it possible that he truly is fearful for his physical well being in going to his former roommate to ask for the locket?
For a man, a sign of physical weakness is difficult, particularly with our spouse. I would never want to appear afraid to Annie. I've never faced a situation where I felt unable to step in because of physical fear, but if I did, I would feel quite a bit of shame. I can only suggest that it might do your husband well to hear you acknowledge his fear, if you're convinced that is the major issue in him not trying to retrieve the locket.
Would he be open to you accompanying him to go get the locket? Is that something you would be comfortable with?
I feel for both of you on this issue. For you because clearly there is great significance with both the locket and your husbands unwillingness to go after it. For him because I can only imagine how it would make me feel if I had to tell my wife I was physically afraid to go get something of such value to her.
Husband is still in a tender state, yes? But on the other hand, you allowed and supported his "passion" for the coffee machine. You're well within reason I think to ask for such support from him. And it would be good for him I think to take this step, particularly if it's a difficult one for him.
I'm reminded that so many of you speak to the gentleness with which returning spouses must be handled. It sounds like you're trying very hard, but this is emotional for you, and we all know how emotions can carry us to places we wish later we hadn't gone.
Tread lightly Linda. Be sure that you're not asking him to show painful weakness in front of you. If there's a way to ease him into this, or help him by standing beside him, that may bear great fruit for both of you.
Hope this is helpful. I'm sorry for the bump in the road, but I know if anyone is capable of navigating through it, you are.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks for the reply Bill....my husband doesn't have a problem with admitting he is affraid of this guy...that I understand....and this guy absolutely wants no part of me being around "his" place....he really is an unstable person...and he is a criminal defense attorney so I am sure he has some internal issues as well....along with paranoia
H and I went to breakfast yesterday and then after we got back and we were still in the car I asked if we could talk about it....he agreed...I acknowledged his reasons for not wanting to go into the apartment....I also asked him if it was possible he was confusing guilt with feeling bad...because I was not trying to make him feel guilty...I was just trying to get some sympathy....I know I emotionally melted down on him and it happened quickly between my request for him to get the locket and my acknowledgment of why he couldn't....he missed that transition and thought I was mad at HIM...when really I was deeply sad because for the first time since he returned I realized that I may not get the locket back...even if he can say ILY again....that is where my emotional shake up came in....
He asked me point blank why the locket was so important...why another wouldn't suffice...so I explained that it was our last anniversary together that he gave it to me.....and it was when we broke up and he couldn't tell me if he loved me or not when he gave it to me that I gave it back....I said I only wanted it if he could tell me that he loved me....at that point I wasn't sure I would ever see that locket again...but when he returned it became a prize to me....something for making it to the end of journey....a token of love....REAL LOVE...what I have fought so hard to get back....that is where the sentimental value of THAT locket came in....I told him another locket would only create stress for me....spending money we couldn't really afford to spend....and a constant reminder of the locket that was lost...the one I valued most...
So in the end....he said, "Maybe I can write a letter to "_" and ask him to leave it at the receptionist desk. I can't really see any value to him for that locket and perhaps he would understand your intense desire to have it returned."....I should say that H has left a complete Bose home theater, a deluxe new king sized bed, and very expensive corner group sofa, and misc. musical and recording equipment....I guess he is going to write it off as a loss and hope this guy doesn't come after him for the rent he never paid....
So anyway....I am trying not to get my hopes up....this guy has an unfounded dislike for me and my gut feeling about him is that he is not to be trusted....when I found out that H had moved in with him I was not comfortable with that...H kept telling me what a great guy he was...what a brilliant lawyer he was....but I was not impressed.....and in a few months he started not talking so much about him and finally admitted he was a real jerk....like that was news to me....although I bit my tongue because this guy helped show H that I wasn't as back as he thought, lol....funny it was an OM (not in the sexual sense at all) that helped him find his way back to me, lol....sort of funny now that I think about it...
Well, thanks for checking on this for me....I hope that someday that locket you gave Annie will be as important to you when you see her wear it as my locket is to me....
Linda, I'm crying as I write this post and I can't exactly say why. I wish I could take your husbands shoes for just one afternoon, walk into that apartment and take back that locket for you. Why does it hold such meaning to me as well as you, I don't know for sure. Things are in such turmoil in my heart and mind right now, but I feel for where you are. Why is it that those of us on here know just what needs to be done, but our spouses are so clueless? Linda, you know your husband loves you, you know he has finally decided that he was wrong and wants to be with you forever again. Please, please rest in that and trust him just a little. If I could do it for him I would. But this is his job. I understand completely the meaning of the locket. The locket I gave to Annie carries much the same significance for me.
I'm in a bad place Linda. Can't seem to get out of it today for some reason. All that comes is tears and wondering why. I want yours to work, yours to be right, because maybe that means mine can be right some day. Happiness all around me, but I'm not happy. I'm empty and defeated. Sorry Linda. You're such a friend to me.
I pray it goes well. I pray he realizes what he needs to do for you. It's in there somewhere. Give him time. He WILL figure it out.
My best to both of you. God's blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi ImLIN, I am just checking in on you and wish you a happy New Year. I hope the problem with the locket got solved in the meantime. I am reading a book called "the Dance of Anger" and I will let you know who wrote it. That might help you getting out of the vicious circle. Take care.
Quote: not trying to make him feel guilty...I was just trying to get some sympathy...
It's the story of my life, each time. Whenever I cry out of frustration H thinks I'm trying to manipulate him and he hates it, thus, doesnt give me confort I seek.
I see that you got attached to the locket, that it means lots to you, but you must let it go now, the locket is a means to an end, it is just a symbol, and if the retrieval of it and talks about it will bring grief and have your H feel cornered and insufficient, drop it hon, it isnt' worth it.
I can totally see that happening in my sitch, we women place so much sentimental value on things. I posted months ago how H had saved a frame where he'd had a pict of him and OW, not because he wanted to hold to it, but because, my practical H thought it was a perfectly usable frame. I felt the frame was disease ridden, and was glad when it inadvertly broke as I was trying to put a pict on it. Your H just didnt' understand how much you valued that locket, to him, what counts is that he is there, more than any lockets.
It's down to the wiring of men an women, how we each perceive things, you must remember that imLIN.
Quote: I just wanted him to understand my loss....that locket meant so much to me.... He wouldn't even give me a hug because he was so angry...so he left me sobbing on my bed and went to work....
It reminds me of that section on 'men r from mars women r from venus' where it says that when a man feels bad, he isnt' going to want a hug an company, he wants to be left alone, and maybe that's what he thougth he was doing, giving you space. Then again, like my H, he is emotionally unable, at this point- to offer consolation. Give him time.
Bill is right on the money, your H might feel like he's failed you, and seeing you miserable reminds him of what he can't give you. Search your heart again, the locket was a nice tocken, but all in all we wear love in our hearts.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well we had another bump...big bump in the road...
H is a recovering alcholic...severe child abuse issues....and even PTSD has been suggested and I believe it to be there too...
Well he had been doing good....coming up on 3 months the 13th of this month....this week was a tough one for him emotionally....if he sees an injustice at work or where ever he feels the need to correct it...i.e...at work they have an unwritten policy that says if you call in sick you must find your own replacement and bring a doctors note or you will be written up....they don't pay for sick days and my H says asking people who are not even being payed a living wage to go to a doctor to get a note is wrong...especially if they are obviously sick....he also feels a list of employees who would like to be called for extra work should be made available instead of the entire list to save time by calling only those that would be interested in extra time....I agree...but it isn't up to him to change the world right now...H needs to take care of himself...
Well he has been stressed...had a few things like mentioned above happen at work....and was just feeling down...then I come home from work and S11 tells me dad went to the office (different then work)....I call and he sounds ok...says he is getting things ready to be turned over so he can be out of there....I think things are ok...
An hour later he calls and says, "I am in trouble."...he discloses that he is drinking....just one beer...but not sounding so good...admits it is a large beer...highter alcholol too...I tell him that I am going to call a friend and we will come get him....that way both cars will be home...nope...he just wants to stay there...says he won't drink anymore....this isn't always the truth when he says that and I know he needs to be home....so I tell him that "I" will come get him....ask for door and lobby codes to get in and upstairs....he gives them to me...twice....
I call a friend anyway...spiritual adviser for us both and great friend of H's....he comes and gets me....I knew the possibility could be that H would not be so cooperative when I got there so I wanted friend there....
I get to the front door...door code H gave isn't working...then I recall that I got door code a long time ago and logged it in my phone....that one worked...get upstairs and the lobby code wasn't working....check phone and use that code....it works....now I remember that I have a key to the office....didn't have one before....so I just open the door...I find him flat on his back passed out cold....looks like he fell...things are knocked over...etc....I get him awake...he obviously toast....it takes a while to get him on his feet...sandals keep falling off and he won't walk without them....I get the remaining large beer put up....lock office and start out with him...he says he has to go to the restroom...I take him but he just sits....finally after 15 minutes I convince him that we need to go....it is hard keeping him on his feet and walking....pretty soon he decides to let me carry his sandals...I get him the car and put him in...then run to his friends car and let him know what is going on...asking him to go talk to him because I am calling 9-1-1....he is in bad shape and after having mini-strokes a few months prior and having diabetes I have reason for concern...
Ambulance shows up....H is confused about why the "red lights" are there....but agrees to go....but wants to make sure friend goes to hospital also...
Get to hospital...he gets combative some because he wants friend to stay in room....won't do anything that is asked unless his friend tells him...not a pretty sight....he is crying and starts telling any who will listen about the horrible sexual abuse that he and his siblings endured...H starts talking about how worthless he is....how unloved... it is so sad....
His BAC was .25%....3 times the legal limit....he was smashed....I confirmed by receipts and what was in the office that he only had what amounted to 4 beers...he didn't eat and may have been dehydrated....but he was really drunk....
I was at the hospital till 1:30 am....I had to call off my morning shift....causing me more stress but I am sure no one wants a school bus driver driving their precious children with less then 3 hours of sleep!!!
I also get a note and make H agree to let me take it to his work so he won't have to show up either...I tell them he is too sick to call for back up and hand them the note from the hospital showing his discharge at 1:30 am...no argument...
Now H has to talk with elders of church concerning this...they will try and work with him to help but if he can't get it under control he risks being removed from the congregation again...this would kill us as a family...
Anyway...lets add to this my stress....I had been approved for training to be a bus driver by EDD....no need to look for a job....but I found a one day a month job at a pet store...it would be 4.25 hours....I did this until training for bus driving was conflicting...so I quit...didn't think to notify EDD....now they are asking back almost $4000 in "overpayment" because I quit a "JOB" and was not eligible for benefits....yes, if you have a job that is 1 hour per month you can't quit or you will loose it ALL....I didn't have a choice if I wanted this other job...at the time H had just left me, we had a house fall out of escrow because looser tenants refused to move, I was basically homeless living with my parents....trying to get a place for my kids and I...it was an aweful time...
So now...several years later I am having to prepare to appear before an appealate judicial hearing on my EDD claim....I am fighting it....it is just wrong!!!...I didn't even have to take that job...I did it just to do something besides sit around!!!....penalize me the $40 dollars a week I gave up with the job...not the $212 I was getting a week in total from EDD!!!
Okay...thank you for the vent if you have stayed this long in my saga....thank you very much!
Such is life....and sometimes it just plain sucks!!!!
imLin, so sorry your H got so sick, so glad you followed your 6th sense and go him,thank God for that)))))) I firmly believe on listening to that "little" voice. I hope yoru H find teh strenght to keep away from alcohon and that your church doesnt' let you guys go.
I pray they understand, about the job, it is very absurd they want so much back, it just can't be right, I hope the hearing goes well for you, when it rains it pours.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm so sorry about the bump(s) in the road. And for the other aggravations that make the important things in your life even more difficult to deal with.
I truly hope your congregation would not take the harsh step of removing your husband from the church. Maybe I just don't understand the church environment you're dealing with, but I thought that church was for welcoming and helping to heal hurt people.
Sounds like H really has a lot of things on his plate emotionally. He is in therapy of some kind, right? I mean, if he is going on about childhood abuse in a drunken state, seems to me it's still pretty raw for him and something that should be being addressed strongly.
Not surprised by your loving response to his setback. You're an amazing woman and he is ever so lucky to have you by his side. Are the kids ok? Sounds like a great opportunity for the family to come together in caring for each other.
Sorry Lin, wish I could think of something profound and helpful to say that would make this easier for you. Maybe it will be enough to know that we are out here and we care. I always have included you and your family on my prayer list, but I'll be sure to spend a little time on all of you the next couple of nights.
Let me know if there is anything I can do, because you know I will.
Much love and caring,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
