Muddle, I thought I told you to stay away from my W It's so bizarre. Your W is very verbal with this kind of idiocy whereas mine tends to keep it to herself (I'm beginning to appreciate that trait!) but once in a while it comes pouring out. Same stuff: "I shouldn't have to tell you what I need, you should know" Did I ever tell you my all time favourite? We were going to buy a bed, it was expensive but a good deal for that model, but we weren't sure. We put down a deposit and then talked about it later. I asked "do you want the bed?" She said "it's too expensive", I said "you have a back problem, so if you would like that bed, we'll buy it, I'm OK with that" and she said "No, it's too expensive" so I said "if you change your mind just say so". Guess what, months later during an argument/ discussion about our R she says "I wanted that bed, you should have known that and ordered it anyway" I reminded her that I had asked her directly about the bed at the time and she said "you've known me long enough to know I really did want it despite what I said" Well, where do you go with that! We will overcome, Muddle (maybe, just not in this lifetime !!!! )
Last night, things took an interesting turn. I stayed in to do some work on the christmas presents we are making. I got our son to bed and went out to the garage to do some work. A little later I went to the gym. When I came out and got in the car there was a voicemail from W asking me to call her. She sounded distant, a little upset but more distant. I called her and she asked me to pick up some food for her - she had declined sharing some leftovers with me earlier and didn't eat. I was really ambivalent about it, but I felt bad - and she sounded like she was feeling really bad too, so I agreed. I told her she sounded down and asked her if she'd like to talk about it. She told me that she didn't, and that it wasn't me, that she wasn't talking to anyone about it, not even her therapist.
I am not really sure about how I feel about the fact that I did this because it does sort of protect W from the consequences of her decision to turn her nose up at the leftovers, and the fact that I felt the need to rescue her from her bad feelings, but I wanted to eat too. When I brought the food back she asked me to sit down on the bed with her and eat. She thanked me a couple of times, really sincerely, and even leaned on me a bit. This is the same person who has been really trying to put a huge amount of space between us and recoils at any physical contact. Once we finished eating, I told her that I had to go shopping, and she asked me if I would eat ice cream with her when I got back. Then she asked me to pass her her bag so she could take some more xanax.
I thought a bit about things in the store - about how I wasn't really maintaining my position of not being her crutch. I am really ambivalent about this because of course I can't help wondering about whether the cause of her stress and pain right now is the crumbling or end of her relationship with OM. Of course I don't know, and I shouldn't even give any weight to this thought, but it's natural to on some level. But she also talked a bit about her conversation with her therapist about how she can only focus on the negatives, she even finds negatives in all the positive changes in her life of late. So I decided that I would not sit close to her when I returned - that I would maintain some distance both to avoid doormat status and to avoid my feelings of attachment and subsequent pain that usually comes from it.
So I came back and we had our ice cream - I sat on the chair while she lay in bed. I think it made an impact on the both of us. I wasn't trying to take from her to satisfy my own desire for closeness, and I wasn't letting her do that either. But I was there for her, and she knew that. It's a really tough line.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, I just wanted to drop by and wish you all the best for this Christmas season. You've been with me right from the start on this BB and your support has meant alot. I hope I've been able to give something back to you in that same spirit. All the best!
Ditto to whatis. Muddle, you've been so insightful and incredibly supportive. I am constantly astounded at how great everyone on this board is. How could anyone possibly leave us, we're so fabulous!
Merry Christmas my friend.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I'm still around guys - thanks for your holiday wishes, and I hope your's are/were great too.
I've been trying to look at things a bit differently, trying to focus on connecting more than fixing issues. It's tough because I think that's a problem both my W and I share - difficulty connecting. I think it's one of the reasons we're attracted to each other. We share this and hide from the world - in a sense we connected over our lack of ability to connect. So now that things are turned on their head, our lack of true connecting prevents us from really communicating. Something that I hope I can turn around in myself. I'm still don't even have a direction to head in, just exploring the idea for now.
Things do seem to be improving as my W found the need to communicate with me last night and we got a lot out - I felt we connected again. Non-judgemental honesty.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, I know what you mean (imagine that ), I often wonder whether I married my W so that I wouldn't have to communicate but could be a caretaker. The sad thing about these kind of thoughts is that it was all so long ago! After 17 years, it's hard for me to accurately guage anything from back then, so what's the point. I'm still trying to remember when times were good what made them good, that's been a while too! It feels like I've been living this dysfunctional mess forever! Anyway, I'm so glad things are going well for you right now. Take care.
Hey - thanks for checking in. I'm here, lurking. I've got nothing really to report except that I'm doing ok. Can't say where things are in the marriage - nothing really doing there. W has made some steps towards me, only to have things fall apart quickly. I guess that's par for the course.
We're all perfect, whole people. We're all worthy. Yet my W doesn't feel like this will be true of her if she chooses to be with someone as flawed as me. Go figure.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, if you are flawed, I dont' even want to know what I'd be , I dont' think I've read of anyone on this board being so good, kind and forgiving as you, giving kindness in the most terrible situations, keeping your cool as you've been doing. Hope one day your W sees the good H she has.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
!!!! ) 
, I dont' think I've read of anyone on this board being so good, kind and forgiving as you, giving kindness in the most terrible situations, keeping your cool as you've been doing. Hope one day your W sees the good H she has.