Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Last night, things took an interesting turn. I stayed in to do some work on the christmas presents we are making. I got our son to bed and went out to the garage to do some work. A little later I went to the gym. When I came out and got in the car there was a voicemail from W asking me to call her. She sounded distant, a little upset but more distant. I called her and she asked me to pick up some food for her - she had declined sharing some leftovers with me earlier and didn't eat. I was really ambivalent about it, but I felt bad - and she sounded like she was feeling really bad too, so I agreed. I told her she sounded down and asked her if she'd like to talk about it. She told me that she didn't, and that it wasn't me, that she wasn't talking to anyone about it, not even her therapist.

I am not really sure about how I feel about the fact that I did this because it does sort of protect W from the consequences of her decision to turn her nose up at the leftovers, and the fact that I felt the need to rescue her from her bad feelings, but I wanted to eat too. When I brought the food back she asked me to sit down on the bed with her and eat. She thanked me a couple of times, really sincerely, and even leaned on me a bit. This is the same person who has been really trying to put a huge amount of space between us and recoils at any physical contact. Once we finished eating, I told her that I had to go shopping, and she asked me if I would eat ice cream with her when I got back. Then she asked me to pass her her bag so she could take some more xanax.

I thought a bit about things in the store - about how I wasn't really maintaining my position of not being her crutch. I am really ambivalent about this because of course I can't help wondering about whether the cause of her stress and pain right now is the crumbling or end of her relationship with OM. Of course I don't know, and I shouldn't even give any weight to this thought, but it's natural to on some level. But she also talked a bit about her conversation with her therapist about how she can only focus on the negatives, she even finds negatives in all the positive changes in her life of late. So I decided that I would not sit close to her when I returned - that I would maintain some distance both to avoid doormat status and to avoid my feelings of attachment and subsequent pain that usually comes from it.

So I came back and we had our ice cream - I sat on the chair while she lay in bed. I think it made an impact on the both of us. I wasn't trying to take from her to satisfy my own desire for closeness, and I wasn't letting her do that either. But I was there for her, and she knew that. It's a really tough line.