Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for checking in on me guys. I find myself asking myself the same question you were, Whatis: What's next? Where do I go from here? It seems that this sort of thing can go on forever - the situation is sort of being enabled. W isn't going to change her ways when it's more comfortable not to now. I'm comfortable focusing on myself and improving and living a live (for the most part) that I'm happy with. The trouble is that I want a good relationship. I want to be close to someone - namely my W - and I don't see things moving in that direction quickly enough, if at all. I know part of this is my impatience, but I'm not sure that I can maintain my faith that my W and I will ever be able to be a part of a great marriage without a significant change in the dynamic. Oh, and the celibacy is difficult too. Oh well - if divorce does happen, I've vowed to wait before looking for or entering into a new relationship, so it's not like that would bring me any closer.

I have a lot to be thankful for, but I want more out of my life. I know it's a long haul process, and I married my W knowing that she and I both had a ways to go to become great people. But we were headed there. I know that I'm working towards that goal now, with an open mind as to who I'm going to be with. But, it's hard not to succumb to entitlement thinking. Well, that's enough on my inner state.

Things have been ok of late. No major conflict, but I'm not shying away from it either. My W seems to take conflict as a sign that things aren't working, but I always try and look for the opportunity to come to a workable solution. She seems to use conflict to punish me for not having done what she thinks I should have in the first place rather than moving forward and getting something good done right now.

We decided that this year we are going to make gifts for people rather than buy a lot because we don't have a lot of money to spend. We bought a bunch of supplies (spent a good deal of money on these too) and started just a little. I created something that I thought was nice for one of my brothers. She called me at work yesterday very discouraged. She voiced over and over again that she was unhappy with how my creation had turned out and she expressed that she would be embarrased to have to give this to someone. I tried to explain that even though it wasn't perfect, I thought it was nice enough to give and it would help us with the next several projects. She was still really discouraged and seemed to want to scrap the whole idea of making things, but buying things was out of the question too. She was really frustrated and even a bit angry - overwhelmed by her emotions and unwilling to put them in check and forge ahead with the plan. I found this to be symbolic of our relationship because at one point I said that we just had to accept where we were and move forward with the projects knowing that they won't be perfect, yet doing our best to make them great.

Well, that's my rambling for today.